Hi all! Thank you so much for your encouragement and words of wisdom!
It is great to hear from you cq1! How are you doing?
Thank you to vossy and claire for that insight about the cell phone usage. He is an introvert, so that does make sense. It is just super irritating to be talking to someone who is always checking their phone and texting. Maybe that is his way of saying "you are not important" or maybe it is that he feels uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say so he looks at his phone.
Pilot, I completely agree with you. I didn't mean to sound like we would be reuniting tomorrow. I more meant that I feel he is having second thoughts or feelings for me which could lead to him trying to reunite. But we are nowhere near that point. Indeed he has done 0 work on himself, in fact has become worse than he was to begin with. And it would be very difficult for me to trust and love him again. Thank you for the insight and tips! Always the best!
Indeed the game has already changed yet again. We met for a coffee today and it turns out WAH is now angry with me. One of the guys I met at the party was drunkenly dancing with me later in the evening. And of course then he tried to kiss me, several times. I didn't resist very much but I walked away afterward. I did not think anyone saw it since it was in a dark crowded room but apparently WAH did. He told me it wasn't nice of me to kiss someone in front of him, and that we need to set rules for when we are around each other. I could have defended myself, explained, told him it's the pot calling the kettle black... but I didn't. I simply said I understand and am sorry he was upset.
In a way I do feel badly about it. Of course I would not like it at all if he did it. But if he wondered if I was moving on, now he knows. That could be good news.
On the other hand he is very aggressively dating. I think he has 2 or 3 dates per week, including the OW. How stupid is that for a guy who said he wanted to break up because he wanted to be alone and find his independence. He is sickeningly lonely and looking for comfort. I don't get this whole adventure. Why dump me only to look for a crappier replacement me?
In addition to all the above, WAH is now posting photos on facebook of the party and tagging me as a fellow guest. I guess he wants to show the world that he is popular, but why include me? Maybe to throw it in the face of OW. Who knows.
Well, the adventure continues! Never a dull moment around here. Hugs to all, LisaB
It could very well be to throw it in the face of OW, especially since things are not going well. Perhaps he is trying to make her jealous. But that is all mind reading, so no point in dwelling. Of course your H is angry with you. But I bet he is more angry with himself. His anger comes from the realization that you are no longer 'his'. He has wanted to have his cake (ok, lets call it cupcakes since there are many) and icing as well. But make no mistake, at that party he was definitely second guessing himself. Your job is to continue to make him second guess now that the party is over. You did well by validating his statement about you kissing someone in front of him. You definitely could have taken that in the pot calling the kettle direction, and I think you showed tremendous maturity and restraint by validating and understanding. So kuddos.
I know it goes back into mindreading, but remember, a guy dating 2 or 3 times a week with multiple partners is extremely selfish. In other words, these are not going to be lasting relationships, as he is not offering anything by doing this that another woman is going to jump at long term. Perhaps OW has already seen this. He is looking to have his own needs met, pure and simple. I would not even suggest he is looking for your replacement so to speak but a bandaid for his journey. You definitely seem awesome to us here, your personality comes through in spades in your postings, so yea, it seems replacing you would be an uphill climb for him. But there is a flip side you may want to consider if you are really wanting to dive into what 'may' be going on in his mind.
*adult theme disclaimer* What your H is doing is something quite honestly I used to do to some degree, and have had thoughts of doing many times these past few months. Getting 'laid' is easy. Finding someone to 'make love to' is much much harder. Let me explain the hows and whys. Any decent looking guy or girl can find someone to have sex with fairly easy. Especially if you seek out people who are less attractive. In fact these are usually the ones I would seek out for flings because they were the ones I would easily be able to move on from and as cold as it sounds, it was much less effort. So the upside is ease of getting in and out. The HUGE HUGE downside is, and most guys will never talk about this, is that it leaves you with a huge void, often bigger than the one you are trying to fill. By that I mean not only is it an empty meaningless relationships, but if FEELS empty and meaningless relationship. Once the sex is over, you cannot wait to get away. Where as when you are with someone with an emotional connection, you want nothing more than to keep being with them. Your OW was probably the one he had that emotional connection with, at least at first. The other ones are the empty ones. By virtue of his actions with the empty ones, and assuming OW knows, his R with her is all but doomed. Unless she just has zero self esteem in which case it will be doomed later.
I am telling you this because my guess is that your H is not trying to replace you right now. He IS probably taking advantage of the fact he has the time (not the moral authority) to sow his oats with other women. I have thought about it all summer how nice it would be just to go out with one or more and get the physical affection and even temporary emotional fulfillment. However, what stops me is I know once the deed is over, I will be left filling as empty, if not more, than before.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot as usual I agree with you. And hey I even understand it! That is why I let the guy kiss me yesterday, we all need a little affection.
The point you make here is key though: "The HUGE HUGE downside is, and most guys will never talk about this, is that it leaves you with a huge void, often bigger than the one you are trying to fill. By that I mean not only is it an empty meaningless relationships, but if FEELS empty and meaningless relationship. Once the sex is over, you cannot wait to get away."
I totally understand that too. It feels right in the moment but later you feel worse. Same as eating too many cookies. haha.
Thank you as always for your insight into the male mind/body
As far as his relationship with OW, from what I know she does not want a committed relationship with him but is willing to have sex and spend time with him as a friend. He is also helping her with her business. In my opinion, because she and I were friends and I knew about her dating past, she likes him as a friend, is using him for help and having sex with him for fun until she meets someone she likes better. I think he is somewhat aware of all this, or he is choosing to believe what she told him: that she doesn't believe in commitment and wants an open relationship. ha. Too funny since she was recently in a longterm relationship and got dumped and was heartbroken. He is quite innocent when it comes to women and their manipulative games. Other girlfriends have done the same to him in the past.
Oh and thanks for giving me props for the way I handled his anger. Of course that was 100% DB training. Validate, do not argue. Thank heaven for this forum.
The game continues. But I do feel pretty good about it at this point. The last few days I have felt more and more like the winner in this scenario than the loser. As miserable as I have been, it is clear that he is miserable as well. Maybe not because of me, maybe because of OW, who knows. But through my misery I have looked inside myself and found strength, joy and motivation. He has not.
And perhaps I am better off without him anyway I am starting to see. There are more fish in the sea. It is hard to catch a terrific one, but I can always try.
Thanks pilot! Hope your weekend was good, I'm going to hop over and check your thread.
Oh and I forgot to add something about his annoyance at the kissing incident. He said "I don't want an apology. I want to know how you'd feel if I did the same thing."
I did not answer this. My answer would have been "well you did a lot worse than kiss someone in front of me, right?"
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Lisa I think your H is even more of a dingbat than mine is. Omg.
OMG, right?
Your restraint is admirable. I wouldn't have been able to resist the "how would you feel if I did the same thing" question. Oh, I'd be in so much trouble.
The WAH is in a deep fog. Who knows what the dingbat (his new name) is thinking. He has been texting me a bit, sending me pictures of things he is buying for his new house and offering to help me move this month. I'm just keeping up my mellow replying, not very excited or interested in him.
Going away again this weekend and I'm thinking that might make him react again. I think it bothered him last time I went out of town. Will also give me a chance to NC a little.
I believe he will stay in the fog until OW really dumps his ass. Probably he still hopes she will eventually decide that indeed she does want a relationship with him and not just f buddies. Doubt that will happen. Sorry dingbat. Was thinking back on some things that he did and said in the past few months and now I see that a lot of it reflected what was going on with them. Likely when she told him she wasn't interested in a relationship was when he started contacting me again, some of the things he said and did are now clearly about her rejection. I wonder if he had been considering reuniting with me at that time, when he realized she wasn't going to be his new GF. But I was afraid and didn't want to see him, and put him off for 2 weeks. Probably a good thing as if we did reunite it wouldn't have lasted. He is still in the fog.
He wanted to come by the house again today to pick up something else he forgot. Dingbat! But I wasn't home so he didn't come by. Says he will come tomorrow. I will strive to be out again. He has the keys but seems to prefer to use his visits as an excuse to see me. Or something... who knows.
Today, detached. There are other fish in the sea. However, tomorrow is a new day on the rollercoaster!
