I'm planning on letting H take the floor and lead. My personality will most certainly not allow me to be quiet but I wonder what do we tackle tonight. We are using my C so he knows SOME of the situation. He does not know about OW because I haven't seen him since May and hadn't brought up the thought of it.
A big issue H and I have is the financial aspect. He has blown over 20k since leaving. I just don't know how to deal wth this. It's money we definitely didn't have to waste. Between lawyers and apartment, etc. I'm pretty upset about it. Especially since I accrued NO debt or spent any extra money other than what I made with running this household without him and with not much financial support from him. So many things run through my mind -- that was our savings! He says he will rebuild it and replace it. I know this is not a major breaker but it is just another thing thrown in on top of dealing with the A that I struggle with.
I'm planning on letting H take the floor and lead. My personality will most certainly not allow me to be quiet but I wonder what do we tackle tonight. We are using my C so he knows SOME of the situation. He does not know about OW because I haven't seen him since May and hadn't brought up the thought of it.
A big issue H and I have is the financial aspect. He has blown over 20k since leaving. I just don't know how to deal wth this. It's money we definitely didn't have to waste. Between lawyers and apartment, etc. I'm pretty upset about it. Especially since I accrued NO debt or spent any extra money other than what I made with running this household without him and with not much financial support from him. So many things run through my mind -- that was our savings! He says he will rebuild it and replace it. I know this is not a major breaker but it is just another thing thrown in on top of dealing with the A that I struggle with.
Of the things people cite as reasons for divorce, financial pressures are right up there.
I think it is a reasonable concern of how to move forward financially. I think one thing that may help is to do some reading on financial planning. As well as the old classics like budgeting, etc.
Whatever path you come up with there, stick to it and hold each other accountable.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
I think you should make him do what he said. Build AND replace. Have him agree to put it in an account with ONLY your name and only you have access to. Maybe even give to your parents to hold for you. Don't let him off the hook on this. Down the road if he has proven himself to you, then you can decide if you want to combine all money together.
Is it fair to be separate even if living under the same roof? H and I have always had joint everything. I am contemplating on whether this would be something I would ever do again in the future. Based on how I feel about the debt that has been accrued as much as I don't want to work the second job anymore I think it is for the best so that I can steam roll some of my debt (student loans, small amounts on credit cards) and pay all of that off so that I'm bringing less to the table and less for me to worry about when I start school.
I still have every intention of forging on with the plans I made without H in my life. Grad school will better my career and will protect me even more so as far as my earning capacity should I ever (praying not) be found in this situation again.
Right now we split everything. We have separate bank accounts obviously and our joint accounts were closed during the S. He has asked if we can get joint accounts again once we have worked through everything so that everything is open and there are no secrets (I felt during the S he was hiding money - I'm sure he was so this is what he means by that. He doesn't want me to think he is working extra and keeping cash jobs).
I told him I would have to think about it. I also still intend of having my L draw up the agreement should we divorce in the future. A post nuptial? To me that is a boundary for my financial/legal/custody and if H is genuine about him being all in and has no intentions of getting D then he will sign it. And he has agreed -we both came up with what we thought was fair. I hate that we have to talk about things like that but again. Guard is up and I have to be careful.
JCRed I feel like I always miss your posts - they don't show up until later?
And yes I'm going to make him keep his word! I continue to tell him actions speak louder than words and I am not going to be holding his hand on everything. He wants me to tell him what I want, tell him what he needs to do etc. I flat out told him last night H I love you and I want this to work but I need you to figure out some stuff on your own. I don't want to always tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I am always here for you and want to help you by all means but something's you need to do on your own
Is it fair to be separate even if living under the same roof?
Absolutely fair.
However, I do not suggest hiding anything. The "books" should be transparent and open, and he should be able to "see everything".... just he would have ZERO access to it.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Once again, you seem to be handling things wonderfully. You really do have a good head on your shoulders. You are on the right track.
It's OKAY to feel and be JUST the way you are. Keep up the good work. Others on here are watching and observing you because you are having great success. Show them the blueprint.
Counseling went surprisingly well. H really like the MC and the MC really liked H lol.
He said some pretty interesting things to me regarding A. He told H that he needs to be a broken record to me about reassuring me. He gave me some 'scientific' explanation on why cheating shouldn't happen again. Basically H is not a serial cheater, this is the first time he's ever done this. He believes H was very depressed and was in a bad place before this happened which helped him make bad decisions. He also feels that all the things he said, did, posted on fb, his behavior etc, I mind as well considered him to be on drugs. He said he believes H when he says he was questioning what he was doing even though he was doing it. Because the shiny red Campari feels way better than the old sock you wear everyday. I thought of it as an odd analogy but appreciated him giving the other side of the story BUT he definitely did not come off as he was on H side. He really feels we are doing eveything right.
Most of our session was about the A and what happened in the last 6 months. Next week he wants to focus on what we really butt heads about and get more in depth on the conflicts that got us to that point. We did touch on it some.
He wants H to date me, to pursue me. C said he can tell I was pretty much to my done point when H came back so right now H needs to date me all over again and get me to fall in love with him. He said eventually he's going to want me to 'date' him but right now H is the one that needs to do that.
He thinks H should move back in. He said we are doing everything right and getting along. His stance is if you aren't fighting then what will a few months change. So I'm not sure how long I will wait for him to move back in. I want to see how the next few weeks go.
To take as much time making your mind up and your decision, it's supposed to be for life. So what does a few weeks matter or even 6motnhs to be very sure. Db is about moving slowly and making it right building slowly is very much ok.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
