Wife Still in MLC but has now left #3

[Matt165]

Thanks AJ and Ss,
I think you may be right Ss. I also think that her father is one of those people who have always been very selfish (his history shows it in spades) and he encourages her to be much more selfish and even tells her that it gives her "power", something that he has been doing all his life. He enjoys controlling people (a C that he and my MIL saw when they D'd said that he was the best example of a sociopath that he had seen in his 30 years in the field) and has total control over my W right now. Even my kids have noticed this and are upset by it. When my W went too far in her "self-care" in the past her mother or friends would help her see what she was doing. With her father, he does the opposite, giving her permission to go too far with others but at the same time keeping control over her. It's a dance I have seen between them in the past but now that she spends more time with him than anyone else, it's out of control. When my W first started to reconnect with her father, she went out of state with the girls to help with her grandfathers memorial service. She had been there for almost a month when I flew in for the service and visit. When I got there I found my W acting awful. She was ignoring her kids 11 years and 7 years old at the time, leaving them alone all day to do things with her father acting like a little girl visiting her dad. She was mean to them and insulting to me. It got to the point when her father excluded her daughters and me from a dinner party he had for my W (there was room for over a dozen people, just not me and his grandkids! He asked us to just stay away and we all could eat when "they" were finished!) and my W just let it happen, the next day I told my W I had had enough and was going to leave with the kids and she could stay as long as she wanted, I had enough. Of course she talked me out of it. It was a few months after that trip that my W became depressed.

My girls have said many times over the years and even more so lately that they hate the way their mother acts when she is around her father. She gets mean and uncaring. She is selfish as well. I think my W is in pain and wants it to stop badly. She feels like this is more important than taking care of her kids but also knows when she goes too far. When her father is around, he gives her "permission" to be as selfish as she wants by telling her that it's OK to act that way. It's a very sad situation but in the state my W is in, one that no one, not even even those closest to my W like her mom and relatives can get her to see. The fact that her father is very sick and she is worried that he will die soon isn't helping either. It gives him even more control over her and boy, he does use it! When my D19 saw him for the first time in a while, the first thing he said to her was "This is how death looks" (referring to the fact that he is very thin and pale from chemo).

I know that until he is out of the picture, either going back to the state he lives in or he actually does die, he will continue to influence my W to continue to go too far. Until one of these things happen ( i have a feeling he is setting her up to go back to where he lives when his treatments here in TX are over which is why he has been encouraging her to D, that way there won't be anything in the way stopping her) I really don't think she will stop acting the way she has.

Of course all this is meaningless as there is nothing I can do. At this point all I can do is try my best to deal with the consequences of my W's action, try and keep my D's from as much harm as I can and hope that someday my w will be able to stop and realize that she took it all too far.

[Wonka]

Matt,

IF...that's a big IF...your W decides to move to Florida with her father any time soon/down the road, you're gonna need to step up for D14 to fight for her right to stay with you in Texas.

[Matt165]

Oh, yes, I've already thought about that one Wonka. One of the reasons that I've been hesitant to take action unless I'm sure that my D14 will agree to wanting to live with me before pushing. Right now, my W will agree to at the very least 50/50 split meaning she won't be able to take her out of state. (not Fla, that was just where FIL had his boat, it's even farther away than Fla!). If I push and lose, she may just go for full custody and would be able to take her out of state. Good thought and one that has my somewhat worried. I do know my D14 would not want to go out of state as she really doesn't like her grandfather but her mother could easily manipulate her.

[Atsbaby]

Hugs!!!

Matt, I feel like you are like me. For whatever reason, we just cannot detach from all of our WAS drama going on in their lives. We can't control all the stupid decisions they keep making and we get so frustrated because we see these as stupid decisions where they can't.

I don't have advice...you see where I'm at. I am here for support and listening.

What are you doing for YOU this weekend? I'm learning to ride a dirt bike

[Nitty]

Matt & Atsbaby: I agree, detaching is so damn hard.

There is a post mentioned on this board by Zebra, but the link is dead. It's supposed to be a really good discussion on detachment and I've been searching for a summary of it that somebody might have posted, but no luck so far.

[Matt165]

Thanks for stopping by Ats and Nitty,
Well, seems like I'm back to taking care of things that my W just doesn't want to or thinks is "important". My D14 called again last night and asked me to take her to school...again! 5 days of school so far and that makes 3 where I have to take her so she doesn't have to have a 20 min. walk! What is wrong with my W that she can't even for the first week, take her D who is so very upset, to school in the morning? How did someone who spent 15 years as a stay at home mother become so uncaring about her D?

I really want to be there for my D but my W is taking advantage of me! I've decided to record every time this kind of thing comes up. It may be useful in court some day!

[Wonka]

You don't need to wait for Court, Matt. Have you gotten around to having the separation agreement settled? This way, it can be enforced by the Courts if W deviates from it.

[Matt165]

Hi Wonka,
In my state there is no such thing as separation, much less a separation agreement. You are either M or not. One of the things that my FIL told my W was as long as she didn't D me, she would still be libel for my debts, taxes on the house, etc. TX is a very odd state when it comes to D, I'm finding out. It's fairly easy to get a D and all it really takes is 60 day waiting period if the parties agree to everything. With kids involved it does take some extra paperwork but there are zero buffers or rules about cool down periods or counselling for kids, etc. Of course, since my W filed BEFORE she left, she had her lawyer LIE on her initial decree and say we had been separated for more than a month before she filed. When she actually didn't leave until 6 weeks AFTER she filed. It very rare for someone to file before they bother even leaving the family home.

So, basically, until the D is final, how we split custody is up to us. Since I am fighting to keep my home my lawyer has had to try and contact her lawyer to try and see if he is willing. So, until our M is officially over and done, there aren't any "enforceable" custody agreements.

[Matt165]

Well Folks,
I am just not dealing well lately. I have zero drive, can't sleep at night (when I do fall asleep I have very vivid, not so good, dreams) and feel like sleeping during the day. I have no GAL activities planned and as it's a holiday weekend and I have no family of my own but my kids (other than my W of course but that doesn't count) not much for me to do as most people are out doing things with their family. My funds are low (not dangerously so but getting there, I really need to get some sales at work!) so I can't do anything that costs too much. The few friends I have are either fairly far or couples and I feel odd with them now. I just can't seem to get a break from the stress. Every time something good happens, my W ruins it by pulling some new, stupid stunt. I find out some new thing about the school my D14 is going to that isn't at all what my W said it would be that I can't do anything about it. Then I blame myself for believing anything she said in the first place.

I know I need to get myself in gear and together. To work on all the things that I need to work on. To stop letting myself get caught up in the craziness that my W is causing, the damage she is leaving in her wake. It's been too long that I've let myself wallow and be a victim. I need to be like Heather and keep moving while at the same time allow myself to feel the emotions, just not let them slow me down. I think it would be easier if I had my D's around more.

I just need to get my head back in the game. I need to just get myself in gear and realize I am on my own and nothing will change unless I do something to make that change happen! I feel like my responsibilities have increased as I can't count on my W to do anything she should for the girls. At least when she was still here I had some control over my D14 and knew she had at least myself around if she needed anything. None of this is new, it's just that sometimes it all just seems to bother me more, like now.

Oh, well. Just venting a bit. I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight and see if I can't get some GAL plans in place at least.

[LoisB]

Matt,

Have you tried Melatonin for sleeping? 25 Years or Ellie told me to take more than the 5mg or 10mg dosage usually on the bottles. You can take 30mg or even more if it's not working.

I've been thinking about you. Maybe, tackle one thing at a time? You have so many things going on. Start with the sleep. Just an idea.