Ok thx Tarheel . This is truly the worst thing ive ever had to deal with in my life . I feel so hopeless. I know if I deatach more she will leave , I know shes not bluffing this time . She says she hates to come home , she hates being alone , hates to go to bed even though i dont touch hre ( I want to though ) and shes alone because im trying to detach . I wish there was a pill to make this all better . dam im hurting
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
How do I beat down the worry i have about her leaving .It goes away in a few days when she doesnt leave but when she says she is , im on pins needles for days later. This is the third time shes said she was going to leave and im praying that its not real again .But I have a feeling shes thinking extra serious this time because the OM left his wife .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
There's no magic words anyone can say to you. It's up to YOU to realize that you will be ok with or without W. I know it hurts and you don't want to lose her, but you need to realize that you don't need others to make you happy. Happy comes from within.
What will it be like? How will you feel as you watch her pack up stuff? How will you act?
Prepare. Can't hurt, might help.
You can still be there for her and be a good listener while being detached. Say, "I'm here if you need to vent or cry or scream or break a few plates."
i cant prepare for it because it rips my heart out thinking about it. Another problem i have is im worried about how it will hurt everyone else. Kike her parents , my parents . her brothers all of our friends . Her leaving is going to be far reaching but most of all my boys will be devastated . Why did she wait until school started and the boys made the football team . Why didnt she leave a month ago when we could have had 3 or 4 weeks to adjust . This will just ruin school and everything for them
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Dawgy, don't worry about what others will think. Focus on yourself. Your boys need you now more than ever. One of the first pieces of advice I received from a friend after BD, was to be a rock for your kids. They need stability and a role model (especially if your W is making poor choices). No matter what happens between you and your W, one day your boys will look back on this time and admire you for standing strong and being there for them. Everyday I wake up with pride knowing I'm doing what's best for my kids. And I can see how much respect and love they've gained for me in everyday interactions.
i cant prepare for it because it rips my heart out thinking about it.
^^^^ You CAN prepare for it. It's hard. It feels impossible. It feels like you can't breathe and that you might actually die. I know. But you CAN prepare for it because you don't die. You will breathe. It is not impossible. I believe in you.
Originally Posted By: dawgy
Another problem i have is im worried about how it will hurt everyone else. Kike her parents , my parents . her brothers all of our friends . Her leaving is going to be far reaching but most of all my boys will be devastated . Why did she wait until school started and the boys made the football team . Why didnt she leave a month ago when we could have had 3 or 4 weeks to adjust . This will just ruin school and everything for them
It will be far-reaching but you cannot control or contain that impact on others. It just is. It's her choice. Your pain is real and I see it. I felt just like you before my H left. I tried everything. I appealed to his logical side, his heart, his soul, his practical side... he was resolute and that was that.
You will survive this. It hurts, there is no doubt. You will survive this.
I know this sounds impossible, but she's got to hit rock bottom. It's your rock bottom, too.
Let her go.
Thinking good thoughts for you...Remember - if she wants to go, you letting her go is a kindness. It will be the kindest, most compassionate, most loving thing that you could do for her. It will probably also be the hardest, most awful thing you've ever done.
Thanks guys but i feel so exhausted from all of this . I want to be there for her but it doesnt seem possible once she leaves . Once she leaves it feels like the real damaged will be done . Some days I do feel fairly positive about the sitch but when she throws the im leaving card out there , it ruins me for days . I hve been pretty strong for 6 months now and i was hoping to hear the affair was over and things would be on the mend but now it looks like we re starting a whole new level
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Don't forget that these things take a CRAZY amount of time. She's still totally infatuated with OM and has the infatuation drugs in her brain that go along with it. You can't do anything about it...It's like dealing with an addict.
So - let her go to the addiction.
The drugs wear off, they will have to face the reality of what they've done and how it impacts their families.
You have a big decision at this point, too. She goes - you can decide you're not going to stand anymore. She goes - you can decide you're going to stand for your marriage. She goes - you can decide that you need some time to decide. All work.
But let her go. Don't fight her. THAT ALONE will come as a shock to her. That will be a big 180. "I'm leaving." "Okay. I'm very sad. Our kids will be very sad. This is not what I wanted. But go."
That very act alone might start to put some doubt in her head.
