WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[bdub]

Wet, our marriage had never been that great. We had power struggle issues early on, then we both carried on EA at the same exact time, 7 years later. We went through counseling and got things back on track but we slid back into the same old ruts. I was controlling, took her for granted and she stopped communicating and withdrew from out marriage. Eventually this summer she dropped the bomb on me that she was not sure she loved me anymore. Then it went to "we married for the wrong reasons". She has had enough of our marriage and I cannot stop that. A few days after the BD she explained to me that she wanted to cooperate and work through a dissolution rather than a divorce. We dont hate each other. A dissolution in my state costs 250 bucks and the spouses can control how things are divided. Not only that, we are going to do shared parenting so I will have the boys half the time. On top of that, we have a pretty large amount of equity in farm ground and farm equipment. She decided that we should put the ground and equipment in a trust for the boys. This will allow me to continue farming and to pass the operation on to the boys. They will be the 6th generation to farm the ground.
Without knowing my finances you cannot possibly tell me that finances are ont a good enough reason for the 3 to 6 month period. However, as I have stated previously I think that if we are separated for that period of time we will have both had time to determine if we want to D or if we want to try to build a new R. In our R I provided safety, comfort, security,stability, and I took care of all the finances. We both earn the same money but I paid the bills and made the decisions about savings, investments and other issues. She was free to spend as she wanted and I never questioned her on that. She did not run us into the ground, but she certainly enjoys the middle class lifestyle. One of the biggest things I did not do was take care of our relationship and pay attention to her emotionally. I guess I am hoping that we will decide to R after a few months. I think the bond we have with the boys, and missing what we really did provide for each other will be enough to convince her to try to work on the things we were not doing. During that time I have to decide if I am in love with her, or if I am in love with the idea of being married and having a family. Honestly at this time I cannot answer that question and neither can she.

[bdub]

I have been very helpful with my W and her struggles with moving out. Last night she was stressed out bad about getting furniture, prepping to move and a few other things. I asked her to list exactly what was causing the stress and after she listed them I offered to take care of some of the minor ones like laundry and the small grocery list. She told me she could do it and that by starting to take care of some of those things I have almost taken away her identity. I have NO idea how to react to that so I just told her she would have to ask me to help her, since my help now seems to add to her stress.
I know she is struggling with how to pay for some new furniture even though she has had her own account and has been putting money in that account for several years. 3 days ago I would have offered a way out of the situation. Last night and today I have come up with 3 ways to easily accomplish what she wants to do. I will not mention any of them to her unless she flat out asks me what to do. Is this detaching or is that me being my usual A-hole self?

[SunnyB]

Is this detaching or is that me being my usual A-hole self?

bdub, I have no idea what the correct answer is, but I can tell you that I will offer my H zero assistance in the moving out department. He asked me for my opinion on his apartment and I declined to give it. Twice. I will not help him pack, move, decorate, nor will I change my schedule to accommodate his move. I don't plan to ever step foot in the place. If that makes me an *ss, then I'm OK with that.

[Wet]

Thanks Bdub for filling us in on some of the details of your sitch. Working on yourself and deciding what you really want in the future are very important things.

I mentioned the finances only because it seemed to be a driving force for the divorce. You are right, I have no knowledge of anything to do with your finances. I'm just suggesting that it seems like the divorce can be put off as both you and your W work on yourselves. Starting the divorce process can sometimes be like a runaway train, out of control for everyone.

[bdub]

thank you rppfl. I have to be very careful about this because I am a problem solver. At one time I told her I would help her with everything I could right up to the time the moving truck pulled up. Luckily for me she is not taking a lot of things out of the house. I did offer my unsolicited opinion about her new place to live because my boys are going to be spending half of their time in that house. I have not and probably will not walk through it, but I know where it is, I know who owns it, and I know the neighborhood.

[bdub]

Wet, the finances are not at all a reason for the D. We both earn really good wages and live a pretty good life. We are pretty heavily invested in assets that are not real "liquid" so unwinding from that is a huge undertaking. We have multiple pieces of commercial real estate. In order for her to get the cash she deems her half of the equity, 3 of them will have to sell. Being trapped at home by that would have to be frustrating, especially since I made the financial decisions. Her parents AND my parents have both offered to loan us the money to pay off her vehicle (600 a month, 3 years no interest)so that she can afford to pay rent and I can keep the house. She has declined both offers.

I would love to put off the D process but she is full steam ahead. She needs to get out on her own, I think to prove her independence. She told me she made this huge decision to leave me, and now she is stuck at home. I hate that, but again, she has had 3 people offer to help get her unstuck.
I am no longer initiating conversations about splitting assets and working on agreeing on whats in the dissolution. I wanted to get it all on paper so we would have a "default" agreement if things get ugly when she leaves. With the OM out of the picture at least for now, there is no reason for it to get ugly. I initiated and did all the work on transferring the farm assets into a trust for the boys. I did that to cover my own *ass and to keep the family farm operation alive. Now my main concern is to make sure we still do the 50-50 parenting, and then to make sure I don't have to pay half of my salary in child support, and then to make sure I get to keep the house (3 generations in my family). In that order. Those have all been orally agreed upon but nothing is in writing. Dissolutions can be great, but they require a LOT of communication and cooperation. In my state in order for it to work both spouses have to go in front of a judge and present the paperwork and state that they agree to the terms and want to terminate the M.

Once she is out, then hopefully she will agree to a 6 month trial separation so that we can decide how to proceed with our R. If that happens, I will have basically given myself 9 months to DB, 180, and make myself a better person. My "jumping off point" is when I can rest at night knowing I gave 100% effort to save the M.

[bdub]

Wet, sorry if it seemed like I snapped at you about the finances. Once I re-read what I wrote it sounded a little harsh. Thank you for your time and advice. I do appreciate it.

[Wet]

Bdub, it's all right on my end. I was trying to provoke you, and I am sure from your perspective to have some a$$hat in Minnesota questioning the importance of your finances justified a snapping response. I hope we're ok.

[bdub]

Wet,
We are fine. I am reading your sitch right now and its providing a lot of perspective.

[bdub]

Journaling a little today.... I realized last night that I spend a LOT of time talking AT my W and very little time talking TO her. That has changed a little in the past month but WOW was I bad about it before, and still let it happen now. A new 180 for me!! Tuesday night we were talking about plans for the weekend and I was having a terrible time getting her to understand that I had plans for Friday. She started to raise her voice and it triggered me to go right back to the old me talking AT her. We worked through the mini conflict and settled the issue ( a big deal for us) but I could not find a way end the conversation and de-escalate at the same time. When I left we were both satisfied with the result of the conversation but she was still frustrated and agitated. By morning she seemed ok but I did not want to leave her with that impression.

Detaching seems to be working. I had no inclination to tell her I figured out how to solve her problem re: paying for the furniture and a few other little issues.
I have not initiated an conversations with her, including logistical stuff for the boys and our schedule. Slowly, I am learning to keep myself busy and to let her lead. This is going to lead to me not knowing exactly what is going on, and I hope she doesnt spring something on me at the last second. For example, she certainly could bring in the moving truck and take all the furniture we now have, even though she doesnt want it. I fear if this gets to tough for her she could see that as a way out. She could flip on me and tell me to get my own stuff and that shes taking what we have. That is mind reading, and worrying. Neither does anyone any good.