I agree 100% that it's so much easier to detach when you have less contact and especially when you don't see them!
You're a strong lady!! Keep it up
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Ugh! I get the "You are just loving being the victim, aren't you?" all the time!
A variation: "Yeah, I know, you are the victim and I am EVIL bla bla bla. Get over it."
And yesterday this came via email: "Stop trying to be the victim or whatever the hell you're doing because it is only pushing me further away."
GUBU and Mr. Gritty must be passing the same script back and forth between the two of them.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
My H, the WAH, is the victim player in our scenario. It's the strangest thing to me. I mean, I know that it's not easy being the WAS and there is pain there, too. I see that, I really do but really? You're a victim? I just don't get it.
I don't know why that stuff is hard for me, but here's an example:
I've seen that "Liberty Mutual" commercial on TV a bunch of times.
I didn't notice that it was about insurance until last week or so.
Anyhow. I'm a native New Yorker and I kept focusing on the fact that the Statue of Liberty is always in the background for the various commercials.
And why that one guy has such a weird "crease arrangement" in the front of his jeans! How did the producers allow such emphasis on his "package"? Did that sneak by the editors? Wardrobe department? Was it intentional, subliminal?
I was trying to figure out from my memory exactly where the actors were standing...what the vantage point was for the shot.
Then wondered why they kept filming in NYC... Ellis Island? Immigration? Were these people supposed to represent immigrants?
See what I mean.....????? It's bizarre. Creative, funny, but not always functional.
I realized two days ago: "LIBERTY"+ Statue of Liberty. Duh.
Now, if I were really paying "attention" it would have been OBVIOUS.
But the point is, I tend not to see or pick up on things that regular folks do. My mind goes to the corners, tangents, weird connections.
Once again, it's missing the forest for the trees.
So thanks again for the help!
---GGG
PS: And yes, GUBU has been sprouting hair (gray) in some odd places lately, so maybe the "Werewolf" diagnosis is correct! I'll check on the next full moon.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Atsababy, Yes, detaching would be very easy if I just moved to Italy and lived in a lovely villa like Diane Lane did in that movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun".
In the film, her marriage blew up, (I think her H was a chit), her heart was broken. She did the ultimate GAL--- she took off to Italy for a guided tour, decided to step of the bus in a small rural town that just resonated with her. And she stayed.
She bought an ancient, run down villa, started making it livable, had some awful moments where things went terribly wrong when she questioned her choices. She was sometimes afraid--of being on her own, of things that go "bump" in the night. She struggled with the language, the locals and their impression of this single American woman, found "Romance", and was exhilarated...
Her experienced broke her down, but as she healed and grew, she was rebuilt even stronger as an individual, and as a woman. She arrived at midlife a confident and resilient person in her prime.
She lost a husband (and the romance has its own story) but she found a home--she MADE A HOME-- and she became part of a community.
She build her new life herself, and she made her own happiness.
A great example for us DBers!
So is "The Bionic Man/Woman"
Circumstances may have destroyed parts of us, but those are being replaced with improved parts that make us stronger, better, wiser----and better looking!
There's another great movie I want to watch again.
It's about an English Woman who finds herself single at mid-life and travels to Greece, where she re-discovers herself, finds love, swims naked in the ocean, eats a lot of great Greek food overlooking the water, drinks a lot of Retsina...all this feeds her soul which has been starved for many years. She positively GLOWS as she too, comes into her own in the second half of life.
I wish I could remember the name. The title has her name in it... I think Peter Coyote is in it too.
And there's a foreign film entitled "The Wall" that was inspiring to me as well. (Scandanavian...?)
It's about a mid-life woman who finds herself suddenly trapped alone in a rural area behind an invisible wall, cut off from the rest of the world. She survives by strength, mental preparation, and sheer will.
I watched that film maybe seven times during this past winter when I was first up here on the farm on my own, often with no power, chopping wood for heat...melting ice to water for the animals, to bathe. Playing my ukulele by candlelight, waking with the sun and going to sleep when it was dark.
No one to talk to, no GUBU... peaceful, and so much work to do I didn't have much time to think about things.
Looking back, I actually enjoyed that time. Never thought I'd be saying that...but it's true.
I think about ssonas. Her circumstances were similar. I wonder how she's doing out there in the wilds of Ireland...
So, three great films about adult women on their own, coping with the changes and making the most of things.
They're GALing, BABY! Just like us.
Like it or not, we're coming out on the other end of our experience better, stronger, and with more coping skills than the average therapist. Which, hopefully, we'll never be called upon to use in similar circumstances ever again. Once is enough for me!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
And nitty, that "don't play the victim" attack is not a new tactic from GUBU.
It's one of his manipulations. When he doesn't like being shown in the harsh light of REALITY, he turns it around to be about me and my "shortcomings". He's dealt with any complaints this way for our entire marriage.
But I've read a lot of books and learned how to sidestep this stuff. It took awhile, but this sort of thing doesn't work on me much anymore.
I'm wise to most of his tactics and this does annoy him because it's how he "copes" and when it doesn't work, he really doesn't have any other way of dealing with things.
It was about when he figured out that he couldn't manipulate me any more and that I knew a lot of his "secrets" that he filed for divorce.
That suggests that unless he was able to "control" me by being manipulative and continue be be secretive about his porn use, I was no longer going to work for him as a wife.
This is definitely part of the big picture for us.
Anyhow, over the years when he avoided ML with me (often) it was "BECAUSE": (Not because he was turning to porn, or had intimacy issues he needed to deal with, noooooo... It was--you guessed it---MY fault!)
The following is one of my favorite excuses:
"You're not political enough. It's not your fault, I knew that when I married you. But if you were more political (sold more artwork, cut your hair, made more antipasto...) things would be different."
I have since learned that this type of obfuscation is very typical for addicts of any type. They don't want to face their addiction (porn, in this case) so they HAVE to deflect blame.
And for the record, this "political" thing is crappola! He used to be politically active DURING THE VIETNAM WAR. Not so much these days!
Anyhow, I was always so confused by these manipulations that they would work on me pretty well.
I would defend myself, it would escalate into a fight, he would twist me around more (easy to do!) and then point the finger at how irrational I was, and wasn't it OBVIOUS why he didn't want to have sex with me? I was clearly a hysterical person...
Forunately, I have learned a LOT since BD and his tactics no longer work with me. I often catch it when he is pushing my buttons, deflecting blame, redirecting the conversation, muddying the waters...forcing me into a position where I feel the need to defend myself. He'd wind me up, get me spinning, then sit back smugly saying "SEE? You're OUT OF CONTROL."
I always know that some evasion is coming my way when I hear:
"Well... THAT was BECAUSE YOU---fill in the blank---" I know that what comes next will be 100% EXCUSE aimed at not taking responsibility. ---------------------------------------------------------------
How can any of our spouses convince themselves we "deserve" the treatment we've gotten?
In GUBU's case, he has said, by way of JUSTIFICATION:
Somehow, I drove him to it, because:
1. He was unhappy, ergo, I wasn't making him happy as I was supposed to. I failed.
2. He didn't love me anymore because I was unlovable. He never loved me, just married me because I MADE HIM. Again, my fault.
3. He only lied to me because he didn't want to hurt me, and because I am so irrational that I would get upset with him if he told me about his OW and all the other sordid stuff. It's my OWN FAULT that he HAD to lie to me to protect himself and myself from my insane reactions.
Does he REALLY believe these things? Deep down, I doubt it.
But this is what he tells me, and no doubt himself, when the need arises.
After all, how does a guy who considers himself loyal, decent, with serious ethics, betray his wife and hurt her so deeply, destroy his marriage, threaten his job, his home, his financial security, everything he's worked for?
He has to make it someone else's fault.
He had no choice. He was "trapped in a miserable marriage" and was SO LOYAL and DEVOTED that he couldn't step up and be honest, he "stayed" out of duty... until he got caught.
Yep. A really great guy, all around. Totally NOT HIS FAULT. -------------------------------------------------------------
They have to find ways to rationalize what they're doing, because they want to believe they're good and decent people who are only searching for the happiness they deserve, because we're not giving it to them.
Don't even get me started on how he damaged OW, big time. That's "love" for you!
Not that I care. Now there is someone who DID deserve it. Witless creature.
"You reap what you sow." And she got hers, with no help from me!
Now go reap some GAL and PMA seeds, and see what grows!
Have a fabulously DBing day, Y'all!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hey GGG, I got a lot of the same and this little gem..."I had to tell you that I wanted a D and I didn't want to even try and "fix" our M because you asked what was wrong and I HAD to be HONEST". So, if I hadn't noticed that you were acting cold and hateful, hadn't asked what was wrong, you wouldn't have had to get a D? Sure, it's all my fault because I could tell something was wrong and I wanted you to be happy.
You know how long the list can get! All we can do is laugh (even when we feel like crying) and move ahead! Have a great holiday weekend. Lord knows we all are "laboring" so much lately and we can use the break!
