First post - My WAH story

[Jacket]

Thanks for the support, Alang.

I'm still thinking about how to respond to H, but I think it can wait till tomorrow.

I'm feeling pretty bummed again today. This is one of the 5x/year H and I usually go down to LA to see his family. He's going without me for the first time since we've been engaged and it just makes me sad. He asked me to go down with him when he went in June, even though he'd already asked for a D, and my coach had been optimistic about that. But I wasn't asked along this time. The last I heard he planned to tell his parents this weekend that we are "having problems." Then he plans to tell them about D in about a month.

I do have fun plans for today. My roommate and another friend and I plan to play tourists for the day. We're going to take the ferry into SF, go to the farmers market, shop, and walk along the Embarcadero. Then we're going to bring our produce home and cook, which is a huge 180 for my non-cooking self (something H always had a problem with since he likes to cook). So that should help take my mind off things for a little while. Tomorrow I'm having brunch with my cousin's friend who is going into grad school in my field and wants to pick my brain about it. Then my dad and I are meeting with a lawyer. I decided to meet with one since this is the parent of a kid I work with and when I told her about what H had figured out for our split financially (he wants us to do the paperwork ourselves), she told me I really need someone looking out for me because what he's calculated didn't sound right AT ALL. I know I still want to reconcile but the angry and bitter part of me feels vindicated that he's going to be hit financially a lot harder than he thinks and if this D goes through he actually might not be able to afford to stay in our house.

[pilot]

Hey Jacket,

Sorry things are rough for you right now. Regarding your email, I would NOT send out anything that is not 100% true regarding your thoughts and beliefs. Personally I would not send one period as it is no one else's business. But I can see why you may want to. I would not let him dictate the narrative of how things happened and why. If you cannot agree on content, then just agree not to send one. If he is NOT pushing for the D, why send out an email to everyone you know stating you are getting a D. That just puts more pressure and/or justification for him to move forward with it.

Glad you are GAL and hope it helps calm your mind a bit. Keep at it!!!

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket. Pilot said what I was going to say. I don't think now is the time to send out an email like that. I'm not sure how you can get out of it but I would not agree to send it now. If you could just say that it might work "I don't want to send an email at this time"

Like you said if he hasn't filed for D why tell everyone that.

But at the same time you don't want to give him that reason since it might make him think you are encouraging that next move.

Maybe you could also just push it off saying something like "thanks for penning this draft. Let me think about it for a while and get back to you"

Hugs to you, Lisa

[Jacket]

Meh, apparently our posts from the last couple of days (before the boards went down) have been deleted. I know people were recommending that I start posting what I'm up to on Facebook again, and I've done just that. I posted a picture of the dinner I helped make on Saturday and got a lot of positive feedback from it. I even got a "like" from H, which is rare. I'm sure he's shocked because cooking is a total 180 for me.

I'm still stressing about this stupid email that H wants to send out to our friends. The version he wrote is too flowery and happy, so I need to rewrite it to take it down a notch. My friends are recommending that I be upfront with him and tell him that it hurt me to read his version of things. However, I feel like he already knows that and telling him so would just be going down another cheeseless tunnel. When I pointed this out to one of my friends (that this would be "more of the same" behavior), she said that going along with this version of the email would be a total 180 for me and really make H think that I've turned a corner and am OK with our impending D. While she's right, I don't think that's the answer either, although DB says to do what's counterintuitive, doesn't it?

Augh. I want to let H know that this version of the email is NOT MY TRUTH, yet am trying to balance that with making it seem like I've moved on and am GAL. I'm irritated as all heck with his version because he's clearly trying to prove to all our friends how hard he tried to make our marriage work and to not have to shoulder any of the blame for walking away and giving up. He's trying to make the decision to D seem mutual.

[pilot]

Jacket....if his version does not fly with you then in no way send it. And be honest and upfront with him. Worst case scenario is you cannot agree on an email to send out and IMO that would be best anyways. I still do not see the NEED to send an email out to the world announcing your D. It is a private thing between you and your H, why does the world need to know details? If you send out an email which does not reflect your true feelings, and then later try to talk to a friend about your M and what you say does not reconcile with your email, it makes you look bad. Just tell your H not to send out an email to everyone. He wants to do it to make himself feel better and more importantly LOOK better to all of your friends. Why should you compromise your feelings, emotions, and thoughts simply for his personal gain?

[Jacket]

Thanks, Pilot. I'll deal with this stupid email some more tomorrow or this weekend. I'm too busy GAL right now to dwell on it in my evenings. =P

I went to dinner last night at my friend's house. She has a French guy staying with her (she rents a room out through AirBNB) who talked our ears off. It was a lot of fun and I got to practice my French, which is really rusty! My friend texted me today, saying that the guy was asking about me last night. He wanted to know "why you carry a lot of pain inside...He said you were smiling all the time but he felt your pain and sadness." I had been faking it for awhile, but I'm genuinely feeling better lately and I had a really good time last night. I feel like people who know me really well might pick up that I'm not as happy, but this perfect stranger? I feel like I've been keeping a PMA and now I'm wondering if I still feel tragically sad to people. Any suggestions on how to, I don't know, fake it better??

[pilot]

Well, keep doing what you are doing because it is working for YOU. Do not worry about what others see. It is about you remember. Also, be careful this 'why do you carry a lot of pain' line is not a smooth pick up line. Not saying it is, for all I know the guy is genuine. But i can totally see it as a way 'in' on someone who is feeling vulnerable or lonely.

[Jacket]

Thanks, Pilot, you're right. I was just starting to wonder if I'm appearing fake-happy and if people are actually pitying me behind my back or something.

Also, be careful this 'why do you carry a lot of pain' line is not a smooth pick up line.

OK, this seriously had me guffaw out loud, so thank you for that. I'm supposed to get together with my friend and her guest again when he's back in the area on 9/7. I'll be alert for any bad pick-up lines and work on continuing my PMA.

[pilot]

I didnt mean to discourage you or throw a shadow on what could really be a nice guy.

In the mean time, yea, keep that PMA up! And way to go on your GAL

[Jacket]

Naw, Pilot, you didn't. My friend told me he's just really empathetic. She said I didn't seem sad to her at all, and she actually KNOWS what's going on with me.

But your "this is not a smooth pick-up line" bit gave me a good hearty laugh.