I wonder if because I haven't gotten that feeling professionally I've been searching for it from H during our marriage and was sorely disappointed.
While it is possible, I would not start second guessing things like this. It can turn into too much self blame where non existed. Take it for what it is worth. You are feeling great right now!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
You're right, Pilot. Doesn't matter at this point.
I am trying to be realistic but this is the first time in a LONG time I'm experiencing true happiness. I mean, I don't really know if i know what that word means anymore but I feel, from my own actions and not the actions of others, really excited about my future, things on the horizon, the work I've done and continue to do on myself, the relationships I'm building, the excitement I'm feeling.
Sure, there's a tight ball of pain right in my solar plexus but it's much smaller and lighter than it once was. I hate the "child exchange" and not seeing my daughter all the time but with me going back to work I'm just going to have to get used to it. I'm learning to adapt and adjust and strangely I think it's because H isn't around. He is NOT good at adapting and I think by proxy I became rusty.
I haven't heard from that company I interviewed for yesterday but I'm trying not to panic. I'm working on patience and MAN, is it hard but it's good for me. I do wonder why the world works so slowly. Everything takes so long! GRRR!!!
Anyway, I like the direction my life is going. I want H to be part of it but right now it is best I do this on my own. I like what I'm discovering about myself. I'm looking forward to discovering more. I wonder if H notices my radiating happiness.
Ss, I just want to say how happy I am that you seem to be doing SO WELL! Just a week or so ago you were in quite the dramatic situation and now you are PMA and GAL with the best of them. I am so happy to see it!!!
Good luck on the job!
And yeah that comment from your H is a good one. It might not last but better that he feels sometimes conflicted and confused than always sure, right?
Sending you good thoughts! You are doing so well! Big hug, Lisa
Gotan and Lisa, thanks for your encouragement and support!
I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm in limbo with H, limbo with learning if I got this job or not which puts me in limbo with finding a nanny, and puts d7 in limbo with a lot of her life, too. I'm frustrated that D7's school isn't challenging her enough (like, not even close and I've had two meeting with them about this!) so she's bored out of her skull. I hate limbo...
BUT, earlier today I was reminded about a book I read a while back. The Alchemist. Anyone read it? Well you should. It's a book everyone should read at least once in their lifetime. it's about a boy who goes on a journey but midway through he realizes he doesn't have the funds to get him to his destination as he had planned so he ends up having to take up work in a crystal shop. He works hard, turns the crystal shop into a thriving business and ends up making enough money eventually to continue his journey. You'll have to read the book for the rest but my point is that the crystal shop is a metaphor for being in limbo. For feeling like you're standing still but making slow strides toward what you perceive your goal to be.
The moral of the story is: Trust your journey.
I know that most of us didn't choose to go through this particular journey right now or that it be such a painful journey but her we are... on this journey whether we like it or not. It'll wind and climb and zig zag for sure and there are times you'll be working in a crystal shop for a bit... kind of like right now.
Great metaphor, and thanks for the cliff notes on the book. Lord knows I have read too many lately...
I know what you mean about limbo as I have been posting the same feelings. I also know what you mean about being frustrated at your D school not being challenging. I got lucky and convinced my W to let me send my S5 to a school which would offer the best challenge to him. Some here got onto me about being so steadfast on insisting he go to this school, but I am glad I did and I am glad it worked out. I really hope you get things worked out for your D...having her bored at school at that age can be a bad thing long term.
Keep up your PMA and GAL... You have been doing well for yourself!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
What you say about being in limbo reminds me of an exchange with my IC a while ago. At one point she said "I can see that you are uncomfortable with being out of control of things" even though I was talking about something totally different. Her pointing that out to me did make me realize how much of my anxiety and frustration related to the feeling of being out of control of the situation (in limbo) rather than the situation itself. Realizing this has made it easier to let go of these feelings and view this whole debacle as a bit of a journey. After all, things do generally tend to work out. They may not end the way I expect or want them to at the beginning, but they do work out.
It sounds like you are doing really well SS, with lots to look forward to. Trust in the journey and try to be comfortable with not being in control.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I understand my W just said that she feels like she is in limbo. I think she is starting to see the grass is not always greener and that her family loves her. Just do what feels right for you and keep moving forward.
at 4:15 I get a call from H saying he is stuck on PCH and can't get to pick her up and take her to karate and would I mind, if I'm not too busy, picking her up and taking her and he'll meet us there as soon as he gets out of the traffic hell. I told him no prob and went to pick her up.
He showed up at karate and looked super stressed. I asked about traffic and let him vent for a bit. He thanked me profusely for being available and handling the pick up and karate. I told him it was no problem at all. Here was the convo:
H: Man I really effed that up. Me: Effed up what? Picking her up? You can't predict traffic and I happened to be available. It's no biggie. Who would have thought 2.5 hours wouldn't be enough to get from work to her school. It's fine. H: I know but I'm trying to handle all of this on my own and I just couldn't today. Me: But it wasn't your fault. You did what you could and I helped because i could. No big deal. H: and I really need to charge my car Me: Why don't you go to the house, charge your car and if you want, I bought Southwest chicken, you can pop that into the oven and D7 and I will be home in about 40 minutes. Pour yourself a glass of wine and breathe for a minute. 2.5 hours of traffic is hell. Go! H: Are you sure? Me: Yes! Go! H: But I feel badly. Me: Why? It's just chicken. Go! H: Ok, thank you. See you guys at home
Now remember we're separated so this is a big thing I suggested here. D7 and I came in the door, he'd started dinner, was drinking a glass of wine and was sitting on the couch. It was like an insight into what I hope our life will look like in about a year. D7 was excited because she got a red stripe on her belt today, H needed to vent about his day and I was the day's hero. It was great.
We ate dinner, told knock knock jokes, laughed a lot, talked about D7's school and the upcoming week, my job interview... it was nice.
Then I mentioned that I would really appreciate it if he could brush out D7's hair at night and then again in the morning before school because it's a matted mess and if it gets worse I'd have to take scissors to it (her hair is curly and long and needs to be pulled back every day because they have swimming at school). He apologized. I noticed he was taking that rather hard despite my gentle approach so I told him once she's old enough to handle it on her own, it's not a problem but until then he needs to find a brush he likes and use it every night and every morning whether she wants him to or not. It's part of being a little girl to have your hair brushed and if she's going to fight it we'll have to cut her hair off (to which she yelled NOOOO!!!).
I noticed that D7's behavior was a little off today so I asked H if he gave her her medicine this morning. He cursed and said he forgot. I suggested he set an alarm in his phone and said that's the only way I can remember myself with mornings being so busy (trying to be empathetic... mornings are tough with kids, getting them dressed, hair, lunches, back packs packed, swim bag, karate stuff, teeth brushing... it's a lot to manage and I can tell he's overwhelmed).
I offered for him to leave his car to charge over night and take my car back to his place and we'll meet for coffee in the morning to exchange D7 and switch cars. He said that would help him a lot and expressed appreciation.
As we were walking out the door and he was about to give me his key he said he has no way to get into the gate at his apartment complex. He further explained that his car has a feature that allows him to enter the gate and he never bothered to pick up the opener from the rental office so he has to take his own car. I shrugged and said, ok. Oh well, guess it won't be fully charged. He said he'd have to charge it in the morning before his autograph signing event tomorrow. Then he said something about he's failing miserably at all this.
I think he thinks he's supposed to juggle all the things I did (mostly D7's care and maintenance) without any mistakes so I tried to encourage him and told him it's a LOT to manage and to give himself a break. Asking for help doesn't make him weak and that's what being a team is about. I happened to be available and it worked out tonight. I may not always be the case and things would still be fine.
Poor guy feels like a failure and he totally is NOT! I do, however, feel pretty good that he's realizing how hard it is to do all this stuff. Since BD he has been MUCH more involved with D7 but he isn't naturally regimented so he has no idea HOW to help himself remember to give her her meds or know that hair brushing is a part of the morning, or forethought on car-charging is a good idea or whatever. He's also the kind of guy who won't figure out HOW to make his life easier in this department. He won't make a checklist or even download an app to help. He won't set alarms or anything like that. He won't even THINK about coming up with these ideas, he'll just get down on himself for not doing it right. But I think he did a GREAT job all in all, he just needs systems to help him out. But my suggestion of that will ensure that it won't happen. He doesn't work like that.
GRR, how frustrating.
In the end though, it was a great evening and while I don't want him to walk away feeling inadequate I think he does. It's not easy being a dad who is separated. He's really trying. His life would be a LOT easier if he just moved back home and reconciled but he'll need to figure that out on his own.
