Old dog seeks new trick 3

[LisaB]

Hi Old Dog, just checking in to say Im sorry things have seemingly taken a turn for the worst. I know what you mean about your wife seeming to have blinders on and like she is happily moving on. To me it seems you will have to be in this for the long haul as it might take her seeing the grass is not greener in order to wake up.
It sounds like indeed you are competing with the fantasy of a fun singles life as opposed to any problems or boredom with your M. She will have to find out for herself that you are the better option but it seems you'll need to let her go so she can come back on her own.

I suggest trying to be as cool as you can about the situation and set her free from the cage. Seem like you are enjoying your single life as well if you know what I mean. Try new activities, make new friends. Maybe that will give her second thoughts.

We are all wishing you the best and are here for you!
Hugs, Lisa

[Old Dog]

Thanks for the encouragement folks. I do have to re-focus NewB3. I need to get back to bring busy. But, having said that, masses of 'acts of service' seem to be like water off a ducks back to her. This is obviously not her love language, but one that I just hammer at anyway as it keeps my mind away from misery most of the time and this stuff still needs doing anyway.

One if my problems at the moment Lisa us that no, I most certainly am not enjoying my single life. I don't have a social life at all. Virtually nothing. My life is my family at weekends only. All my friends live miles away and I hardly ever see them. I only have one recently made friend at home and he's just come out of hospital from an op' and is doped up on morphine.

My wife, however, has made work friends locally as she lives and works here and has made the decision to get more involved with them. Part of moving on. All her long term friends also live far away and she's also made efforts to visit them as well at weekends leaving me with the kids or taking them with her.

So getting a life has been extremely difficult for me. I don't think I've managed it very well.

[Old Dog]

I want to explain to my wife that I don't agree with her assessment that our relationship is over. That there is another option - to work on it and forge a new improved relationship that will work for us. I think we owe it to our children and ours 21 years together to try our best. I've held back from saying this as it's talking about the relationship and the future which we're not supposed to focus on as the LBS is not a big part of that.

I think the past two and a half years, while I've been working away from home, have been especially damaging and sealed her decision even though she says she wasn't happy before. She doesn't want to go to marriage counselling. She has made her decision and thinks I just have to accept it.

When we talked the other day, we did approach future plans, what are we going to do with our house for instance, but she now wants some movement for this part of her plan where we transition into. ... what? I certainly don't want to sell up and split the money. That means neither if us has enough to buy anything decent to live in.

Enough for now, I have to get some sleep.

[raliced]

Old Dog- Would this be a new conversation or one that you have already had previously?

[Old Dog]

The first part about there being another option would be new.

I did express my belief about the damage caused by my working away from home before in week 1 & 2 which is when she said she has started thinking about how this wasn't enough for her.

Touching on future plans is new. We has a brief conversation last Thursday about it but no decisions were made.

[Old Dog]

Jus thinking about this again and the reason I feel the need to do this.

During week 1 & 2 when I was pleading not break up and go to marriage counselling again, I didn't know about DB and SBT counselling. Since then, We have not discussed our relationship until last Thursday.

She knows that I considered my previous regular 'past issues focused' counselling unsatisfactory, as although I did learn about myself, it didn't offer any solutions and I came out without feeling 'fixed'. The same is true when we went to marriage counselling about 4 years ago.

So, I have not mentioned that I think we should leave no stone unturned to try and reconcile and I have also not mentioned SBT style counselling and it's forward looking approach.

We purposely decided not to move out of this area during the kids secondary education to avoid turmoil (this happened to me, I had 3 different schools). I have also not mentioned how I think it would be much more damaging to the kids if we were to break up so they'd lose the family unit. She thinks they would be OK as 'we' would explain that they wouldn't be losing anyone, they'd still have a mother and father who loved them.

Maybe I could do with a vet's advice (no disrespect to everyone else, you know you're all wonderful) but I don't seem to get any on my thread.

[Old Dog]

Rats! One of the reasons I'm finding it really at the moment is that I have realised passive aggression has reasserted itself. I'm never far away from tears if I let my mind wander and my heart is aching something chronic. This can spiral out of control. It's not just grief about loss it's feeling sorry for yourself and wanting someone else to fix it for you.

I'm also finding it hard to get motivated. This is what passive aggression does. I'm waiting for something to happen, putting things off, making excuses to myself about getting started. Not all the time, but certainly some of the time.

I phoned a friend yesterday and offloaded and cried and was a mess. He was urging me to get out, don't come back home so often as it's making me miserable. I can see his point, but this is my family, my kids are here, my wife is here. I can't just run away. I need to face up to this and be the best I can be, but man when your own psyche tells you your not good enough, it's damned hard.

I am still managing to put on a brave face around the house, but I am quite rather than acting happy and feel really alone when one of my 5LL is quality time. I'm going to be alone for the next few days as well.

I was determined to kick this behaviour into touch. Watch for it and prevent it taking hold and it's crept up on me. Well I see you now, you scumbag. I have made a new to do list and I'm going to beat you. I don't want you in my life, you ruin everything.

[T384]

Old dog-

I'm sorry to see you are having a rough time. I haven't read your entire sitch but just wanted to stop by. I am by no means an expert at all but just wanted to pop in a few things that have already been told to you but just thought I would reiterate them


My H recently has been trying to R for a little over a week. We have spent a TON of time talking about things. Do you know what helped him stop looking at me so angry or shutting me out? Me moving on. Me GAL. He said when I would come dressed up to our boys basketball games and pay him no attention he wondered where I was going, who I would be with, if I was seeing someone, why I was so happy and smiling and didn't ask him for months about working things out. He said I displayed myself so strong and independent and it made him want to know what I was doing. Funny right? If only he knew I was dying on the inside! Well for the first few months I was. Towards the end I had accepted what would be would be. I started to enjoy myself when I went out and did things with friends instead of going through the motions

So that is my advice to you. I know it has been only 2 months for you and it seems so soon and like an eternity at the same time. But trust me going dark she will notice. It will help you. Going dark will help you stop getting drug into an emotional response when it's something she has to say that you don't want to hear. H told me he would test me to see how I would react to things to see if I was putting on a show or not.

I hope this helps, best of luck to you

[Gotan74]

I hope things look up get out and do something.

[pilot]

Old Dog,

I am not a vet but I will tell you having that conversation with your W regarding your belief your M is not over and can be saved if you both work at it, even with a SBT will get you nowhere but on a backslide. Right now your W does NOT want to be in a relationship with you and nothing you say will change that. Period. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will be able to work on getting yourself in a better emotional state. The key is not convincing her to stay with words this week, but convincing her to reconsider her actions over a period of time through your actions. Think about it. Look at how you are around the house and how you act in front of her. Is this a man she would swoon over? Now GAL, show some PMA, and be mysterious. She WILL notice. Even if she does not show it right away, she WILL. And human nature will have her wondering just what has gotten into you. If you have done your 180s she will see this while her attention is shifted towards you.

It is not an overnight fix, but then again, there is not one. It took time for her to get to where she is, and it will take time for her to return. The best course of action for you is to be the guy she fell in love with all those years ago. She has to WANT to come back to you. And what people want most is what they cannot have. GAL with PMA just may pull that off for you.

Best of luck buddy