3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

I am a 38 year old woman married to a 43 year old man.
We've been together 18 years and married 11 of them. My husband has been showing signs of depression and irritation with our marriage for about 8 months.
He says it's been much longer, first stating a year, then 3 years and now he says all 11 years of our marriage.
He says I have neglected him both physically and emotionally, that I was never there and when I was, I wasn't paying attention to him and instead distracted by my phone, my job, video games, the pets, etc.
He said he felt I was repulsed by him and never wanted to have sex.
This is not the case, I love him and am immensely attracted to him.

I have no desire to be with anyone else and love when we are physical.
We were having sex about every week to every other week.
Sometimes a slight bit less if we were fighting or dealing with stress or health issues. But he likes to exaggerate and says we would go months without sex.
It made him feel ugly and undesired.
He also says I am too focused on my job and I put it as first priority before him.
I am a DJ and it forces me to do promotions, research music, practice, and deal with a lot of drama outside the club.

I've been DJing for almost 15 years and in the beginning he liked and supported it, but for the last 6 or so years he has started to hate it and resent me for doing it. It is my passion and career and it's my main source of income. I've applied for other jobs within my admin background but I haven't found anything during the years I've been looking with our terrible job market. I am very dependent on my DJing job to actually have money to provide to our finances.

About 10 months ago, my husband and I really started bickering. We've had our fights over the years but always managed to work through them.
This time was more serious and we ended up not speaking for several days and sleeping in different rooms. He was not happy with our marriage and he placed all the blame on me.
He said that I am never there for him and always place him second to my job, pets, friends, my schedule... I don't drive due to panic attacks and a stalker that has haunted our lives for years so he drives me most everywhere and he felt I was taking him for granted.
I greatly appreciate it, but he didn't feel I showed it.
I always thank him and try to ask first and not just expect it.
I also had been sleeping on the living room couch for a few nights a week for about a year because I work late hours and he had to be up very early in the morning for his job.
I hated waking him when I got home, so I thought it was easiest to just sleep on the couch. He also said I forced him to give up all his friends and that we were too codependent.
Yes, I do admit I pushed his friends away, but they were from a bad racist background and brought him into dangerous situations.
We have made friends together over the years but he feels they are just my friends and only care about me because I'm the popular DJ and he feels like just a sidekick.
I tried to put my job to the side and focus more on him, I thought we were making great strides but he did not feel the same.

Over the next few months these issues kept arising and we kept arguing here and there. I felt like he wanted to leave me and was just making excuses to blame me and find an easy way out, and in the heat of a moment I threw the divorce word out.
I never meant it and I regret saying it of course, but I'm a Leo and tend to be overdramatic and sometimes spew things to to lash out and hurt.
He also lost his job which increased his depression and on top of it all his dad became sick and has been dying.
I thought I was supportive through it all, at least I felt I was being so, but he feels otherwise. Our communication seems to be our biggest fault, misreading each other or not seeing the feelings we each are trying to communicate to each other.

About 3 months ago, we had the largest fight to date.
The divorce word was thrown out again, and I apologized the next day saying I didn't want that and I never meant to give him an ultimatum.
I think he had had enough and didn't want to hear my apology. He also said the dreaded "I still love you, but I've let my heart go away and I don't think I'm in love with you anymore".

I said we could try three options...
1) Drop everything else going on in our lives and focus on healing and fixing our marriage with every bit of energy we had and address the issues right away (my job, our sex life, communication).

The second option
2) Separation which meant living in separate rooms and giving each other a lot of space, we would have to reamin living together because we cannot afford different residences, having no physical contact, going out independently with our friends and reestablishing connections with them and creating more of our own lives, and then we would have a date day/night once a week where we could talk and reconnect.

The third option
3) Divorce which meant ending it all.
With all three of the options we would also fix up and sell our condo since it is creating such a financial burden on us and I strongly believe the disorder of it is also creating personal disorder in our relationship. I was hoping he would pick the first option since I am still 100% in love with him and completely set on working on our marriage.

He said he felt comfortable with option 2, separation.
I didn't want to push or pressure him so I agreed with his decision. Instead... we had an amazing week or reconnecting and naturally flowed into the first option. We spent lots of time together, laughed and cried, talked about deep issues, made love, and smiled more than we had in years. I felt like the giddy kids who fell in love with each other so many years ago.
He then decided he wanted to go to Oklahoma for a week to see his mom and brother and work through some terrible childhood traumas he had been repressing.
I wanted to go with him, but the timing was terrible with our sick elderly dogs with nobody to watch them. So then we both agreed it might be best for him to go alone and deal with these feelings on his own.

While he was gone, he only texted me a handful of times and called me twice. I could feel the pain and him becoming distant again.
When he came home, one of our dogs had taken a massive turn for the worse and we had to put him to sleep the day after my husband got home.
He remained standoffish and wouldn't even console me. That night he asked me for a divorce, he said a separation would be too long and drawn out and painful. He said I had hurt and betrayed him too much over the years and driven him crazy and he had let me go out of his heart. I was heartbroken, I cried all night lost in confusion.
What had happened to that amazing week we had had before he went away and all the progress we had made? The next day I begged him if there was anything I could do to change his mind? I offered to quit my DJ job and do anything he asked.
He didn't care, he said it was too little too late. We avoided each other and I went out with a friend for coffee. I was crying 24 hours a day, barely eating or sleeping, I was a walking zombie.
I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him, how I'd never give up on us, how I am always here for him and detailing many of the amazing little and big memories we've shared over the years. He read the letter but never talked to me about it.
I was crushed even further.

Four days after the divorce request from him we were still in separate rooms and not speaking. He came out one afternoon and asked how I was doing.
I told him I was trying to remain positive and just keep moving forward. I also asked out of curiosity how our physical relationship was going to be during this... could we continue having sex with each to her since we agreed to no physical contact with anyone else till the divorce was finalized.
He said we shouldn't touch each other, I said I'd like to since we both have human needs and he just kind of laughed it off and said I was torturing him.
Later that night, after I came home from hanging out with another friend, he came out to the living room and again asked how I was and if I'd like to watch a TV show with him in the bedroom and give him a backrub? Of course I wanted to and it was wonderful and led to sex.
He said he wasn't sure if this was right or fair to me and didn't want to confuse or hurt me. I said let's take it day by day and not put time limits or labels on anything, I didn't want to guilt or pressure him in any way.
We talked more, nothing big... just baby steps.
He gave me a ride to work the next day and we had sex again the next night. We really connect during those times but if we talk about our relationship or the future he freezes up and backs away. I try not to bring it up, but he does and all of a sudden any progress we've made seems destroyed. He seems intent that we're breaking up.
He says we shouldn't have any more sex. Then a few days pass and we do... We actually just had two amazing weeks, then boom, out of the blue on Friday he slept on the couch and won't talk to me.

What do I do? I've researched so many forums and feel he fits the midlife crisis diagnosis to the letter. I do not want to give up on him, I love him with my complete and total being and will do anything to to help him and us get through this.
I see a therapist once a week. She helps some, mainly in helping me deal with my anxiety. My husband refuses to go to therapy because he has a psychology degree himself and feels he knows more than any of these doctors will.
I really need guidance and advice on how to get by day to day.

How do I withdraw and distance myself from him to give him the space he needs... especially when the main source of our problems were him saying I was too distant... won't that just make things worse?

How do we go about our daily lives when we live in a small condo together and see each other so much?
I took vows, I promised till death us do part... I know I need to detach and let him go, but it's proving to be very difficult since we still have some really good days where we connect. I don't want divorce, but I know he needs his space.

[devotee]

I had a tattoo appt today. It meant the world to me. It was supposed to be a wedding present from H 11 years ago but it got put off. Then it was supposed to be a bday present... Got delayed. Then an Xmas present that never happened. I finally got it started today as a bday present to myself.

I got home from tattoo appt, he arrived home shortly after from martial arts class. He starts complaining he fractured his foot from skateboarding the other day. I am immediately concerned. I ask if we should go to doctor, he says it's not bad. A little more small talk about foot, class, my tattoo...
Then he says "I'm sleeping in the bed tonight, we can alternate".
I said "No, I'm sleeping in the bed, you can ignore me if you'd like while we're sleeping in it but we both deserve the comfort of the bed". He said "No that's not compromise." I replied"I don't see you compromising about working on our marriage". And again he goes into the "speech", that he tried for years, that I didn't care, that I slept on the couch, blah blah blah AGAIN. More blame from him that I broke his heart, that I caused his EA, that I have made him miserable for years, that it was all about me and our lives revolved around me. That he was more and more depressed every day he spends here. I asked him about his friend he could stay with. He comes clean and says it's a girl that offered and one that sexually propositioned him about 10 years ago. I said hell no (although I know I shouldn't have and that I have no control). He said then I need to leave. I said I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving the bed or the marriage. More hatred spewed from him. He yelled "you're a crazy controlling psycho b*tch" then stormed out of the room.
He then hopped in to the shower.

I went back out to living room, walked the dog and made a light snack. He went into bedroom and closed door. When I'm ready to go to sleep I'm going to go in there. Hopefully he hasn't locked the door.

He just hobbled out here and grabbed some tools and his skateboarding parts. How ridiculous he looked... Hobbling on a fractured foot to get parts to fix the skateboard that caused the injury.
What a crap end to the day.

[Cristy]

Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Hoju]

I can't really give any advice as I don't know the correct answers or how any of this plays out. I just wanted to let you know my situation is very similar and I took a bit of solace in reading your story and knowing I'm not alone out here.

[woundedfool]

First, welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. A couple of quick things:

1. Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce remedy?

2. You are correct to stand your ground on staying, but let him have his space. Continue to NOT start relationship discussions.

3. This is going to be a process that will NOT be fixed quickly. If you are looking for a line or a magic bullet, there is none. A rule of thumb is for every year you have been together, there will be a month of repair. So buckle your seatbelt, this will be a ride.

4. Do not bring up your theory is is suffering from depression or that this could be a MLC.

5. Cristy is correct, a DB coach could help with guiding you through this. And if not A DB Coach, at the very least get yourself into some Counseling (marriage or individual).

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR?

[devotee]

Hello everyone!

1) I have not yet read DB or DR. I need the Kindle versions and haven't found them yet.

2) I am still Standing. I don't start R talks, he's the one that does that. We had a deep one last night for about 3 hours after not talking for 3 days. He said much of the same... blaming me for not noticing how miserable he was, how I was self centered and everything in our life was about me, how he had no friends and I never let him have any, that he sees no future, that he wants out and to leave the state, he talked a bit about how he revisits suicidal thoughts, and he kept going back to his emotional affair. Not the situation with that... it was one sided. He was drunkenly confiding in one of my closest friends/coworkers... she listened to him and offered advice because she was worried about him and felt she should since she was my friend. He started becoming too attached to her and saying things over the line. It also caused massive jealousy on my part and she ended her friendship with both of us since it put her in a very awkward place. Now he looks back and is guilt ridden with how he talked to her. He thinks she was the most intelligent, innocent person he has every known and hates himself for how he treated her. He expresses no guilt or fixation on the hurt he has caused me. He brings her up constantly. He barely knew her, just through drunken texts and stories I told him about her and I at work. I have no idea why he is so fixated and attached to her still. I think she could have been anyone who would have just taken the time to listen to him while he was hurting. But he can't see that.
We talked more and he mentioned sometimes he feels like giving in and trying to fix things with us, but then he goes into another rant that I broke his heart for not being there for him and he's scared we'll go back to our old unhealthy ways. He says he doesn't think he'd ever let me back into his heart.

3) I know this will be a long process. It's been 3 months now and it hasn't gotten much easier. But I am working on myself and that helps immensely.

4) I have not told him he is having MLC, but he has mentioned it about him self several times. He has a psychology degree and I think he can see hints of his crisis, but he hasn't committed to working on that at all. It's more he knows he has a lot of buried issues that he needs to work on and he prefers to push them back down.

5) I am going to a therapist. She is helping me deal with me, my anxiety, my codependency, and my communication skills. I would love for him to join me or even go on his own but he feels he knows more than the doctors because of his degree. He says he can read them up and down in a few minutes and they won't be able to fix him or offer any insight.

I have been taking Xanax for my anxiety, and try a bunch of breathing exercises. It helps some, but I do get stuck in dark tunnels and the past. I miss him and wish we could just hold hands, look into each others eyes and commit to working on our marriage. He is far from that and sees no future than just cutting the strings. His analogy was we're like a ball of knotted kite string. No way to untie the mess, just cut right through it and let it go.

[devotee]

Had a few good days. His refill on blood pressure meds has helped. He's been very affectionate and talkative. I'm not being lulled into false hopes or security but he's at least pleasant to be around.

[devotee]

We've been doing well. Had a date night and he bought me a beautiful bicycle for my bday. He told me he loved me. Then the last couple days he's been depressed but at least still good with me. Trying to help him but I feel he's going into a downward cycle again. Just trying to remain positive and let him do his own thing.

[devotee]

He's in a major depression. He admits it and likes to guilt me about it. He insists he has no friends but doesn't take any of them up on their offers to hang out. He guilts me about going to work and abandoning him. He hasn't gone to any job interviews in over a month.
I'm finally starting to realize I'd probably be better off without him. I don't think it's right that I'm begging him for love and affection. I deserve so much more.