What to do when an EA involved?

[Hoju]

Thanks again bdub, i beat the snot out of my pillow last night and it did help relieve a lot of the anger and stress. I'll try the nail thing tonight, that sounds like a great and entertaining stress reliever.

Just some updates/journaling
We met with the real estate agent yesterday about listing the house. W seemed noticeably upset about having to sell I think she was really hoping i would decide to keep it. I asked for 24 hours to make my decision in hopes W will come around. Real estate agent expects the house to sell quickly within 2 weeks, it's going to move really fast when i give the green light.

I tried to act cool and collected with the house sale and kept my emotions out of it. When W asked how I was doing with it I simply said "I love the house and don't want to sell but I can't reasonably keep it", I then went to watch tv. I'm not sure how to handle 180s in this situation, on one hand my past self would have done the same thing become emotionally unattached to the situation and gone off to distract myself from the issue, on the other hand i can't become an emotional train wreck and start begging her to stay again so we can keep the house.

I've done very well with my 180s and my W has noticed and said "i've seen flashes of the life i always wanted". However she still doesn't want to give us another try, i'm not sure why. She does seem to still care deeply for me and is concerned about how I'm feeling, I assume it's not out of love but just the concern you would have for a long term friend.

[bdub]

I hate to hear that you have to sell the house. Remember, it's the realtors job to tell you it will sell quickly. Also remember that it will take a while to get it listed. Once its listed people have to find it, then look at it and then decide to put an offer on it. I think you still have some time. If you are making progress in your MR you can always slow play any offer that comes, or flat out turn it down!

Also, maybe you could view her negative reaction to the listing as a positive? Maybe she is waffling a little bit on her decision.
Hoju, my poor pillow can't take much more abuse. Between the punching, crying and tossing and turning it will be worn out soon.
Keep working on the 180s. Make sure they are designed to make you a better person. She is noticing so keep it up!

[Hoju]

I really wish WAW's would think of the pillows before they decide to pull stunts like this.

She just texted me about getting back to the realtor of my answer. After a few texts back and forth that almost sounded like she might be asking for more time (but not wanting to tell me) i said go a head and tell the realtor we are ready to list. Should I ask W if she thinks there is any chance of R and let her know I would be willing to hold onto the house if she just wanted some time to work things out on her own?

[bdub]

I think it might be wise to ask for some time to consider it? I would not ask W if she thinks there is any chance of R right now, that will push her away. I need a vet to back me up on this one, but thats how I feel. Without knowing how hard it will be on you financially, I cannot give you a good answer re: how long to wait.

[Hoju]

Financially it would be tough but I could manage for a couple years, depending how much the W would require me to buy her out for. There are other issues with keeping the house though.

Cons:
It's far from work/friends/family for me
It's a lot of house for 1 person, especially with the upkeep
It would be a financial burden on me, more so after buying W out and replacing furniture

Pros:
I love the house
It seems like W is asking for me to keep it, not sure if she is thinking in case of R and she just needs to work through some things.

180 issues:
I've always been indecisive about big decisions, taking a firm stand would be a 180
On the other hand, i've always tried to minimize responsibilities so showing her i can manage the house without her help would be a big 180 too

Although what kind of a door mat would I be if i allowed her to get a bachelor pad and a hall pass to see what else is out there while keeping me in the wings?

I'm so messed up right now and everything is moving way to quickly.

[bdub]

I hear what you are saying about the doormat issue. If you label it with the words "devoted husband" does that change your perspective any? Instead of "in the wings", how about " standing for your marriage" ? Little things like this have made my life a LOT easier.
I initially went into total doormat mode. As she started walking all over me I set up boundaries. I failed miserably the first few times but eventually I got there. The boundaries and thinking positive should help you!

[Hoju]

Thanks bdub great advice as usual. Looking at it from a different perspective does help me justify holding onto it a little better. I'm leaving shortly to go sign the listing paperwork with 1 addendum, the listing date is to be left blank. This will allow us to get the stager in and have things ready to go. I should note it was the W who pushed for this, she blamed me to the realtor saying i felt things were moving really fast. I did say this but it was prefaced by "I'm ok with it and feel it's fair what the realtor has said" in no way did I lead on that listing immediately was a huge issue. Probably just reading too much into things again but it would appear she's not quite ready to burn this bridge yet.

In other news I met with FIL last night for coffee. He was very remorseful on his behalf and for her entire family. He mentioned that they were all blindsided by this and wishes he knew sooner so he could have done more. I was shocked about this since W told me that they saw it coming. Aside from that we just had a nice talk about stocks, sports and the state of the world. Since there was very little talk about our R I feel I missed a chance to express my own failures in the marriage and take responsibility for them, not a huge issue and i did let him know i was hoping for reconciliation.

[bdub]

I called my FIL and told him that i was standing for my marriage about a week after BD. Needless to say W had told her side of the story only and it was NOT a good conversation. I dont regret telling him what I was doing, I wanted to be sure they knew I was not giving up. I did not take the opportunity to fill them in on my side. It would have done no good. They are her support system. Her parents know that I am fighting with all my heart to save our M, and that I am in it alone. If that is not enough to make them think I am a decent man then the issue is theirs and not mine. Twice in the last week I have heard her defend me to her mom over the phone. More on that later maybe.

Re: the listing: Simply by bringing up the fact that it is all happening so fast has allowed your W to mind read and put words in your mouth. When you said things were moving really fast, she heard you say things were moving TOO fast and that really concerned you. take advantage of it and slow things down. Set the stager appointment back a while. Take your time making decisions. Time is your friend. Look back early in my sitch, I had that fact hammered in to me pretty early.

[Hoju]

I guess I'm fortunate, despite the in-laws being her support system my FIL was very sympathetic to me and didn't blame either party. This after noon W texted me and asked if i had gotten coffee with her father. I said "i had" and she asked how that went and i said "really well". Pretty sure she is nervous I would rat her out about the OM as her parents would greatly disapprove, especially since she lied right to their faces when they asked her if there was someone else. Can't honestly see why else she would bother to text.... Maybe a baby step? At least i'm on her mind.

I signed all the house paperwork over lunch and the stager is coming tonight (was prearranged yesterday) however it's been left solely up to me as to when to list the house, i still have time on my side.

[mindsin]

Be careful how much you tell your FIL. At the end of the day, blood is thicker than water, and he will only want his daughter to be happy.