I hear you. That is why I am confused. A lot of what she does makes me believe that it has ended but I really do not know. What if the sitch is that she is still in contact with the OM but not admitting to it still. What would you advise for my actions and behavior during the vacation?
Last edited by shodan; 08/20/1403:56 PM.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
There are still some "greatest common denominator" -type stuff you can do though.
Stay positive and upbeat, without being annoyingly so.
Focus on being a great dad in front of her (I know you do this anyway, even when she's not around).
Be cordial, polite.
Be a great conversationalist (especially letting her observe you being that with someone else, say someone you meet on the vacation). Don't PURSUE conversations with your wife (and certainly no R talks!!), but when SHE initiates them, be a great listener. Validate, even if you don't agree.
NO FOOT RUBS!!
It's just hard to get more specific than that, because you're either being played or she's genuinely ended things and made a move back to the marriage. And "x 10" all of that ^^^ when you have the "she knows that you know" (even if she denies it) dynamic going on, because then you've got her thinking "Wow, Sho believes ________, but yet he's still doing ________ for me. That's pretty weak."
This is why I believe in good intel so much, and get in trouble with the whole "no snooping!" thing. What do airline pilots do when they're in the midst of the fog? THEY USE THEIR INSTRUMENTS!!!
Yeah, Starsky I know what you mean about the no snooping issue. I expressed to my W that I had info about an A but didn't reveal my sources this was the day she served me the complaint.
It was only after my L advised me to find out as much as I could about jobs and income, pertaining to my W, before the support hearing that she knew I snooped a full two months after the first A talk. I did it because I was advised to so I could protect myself financially.
W went off the deep end of course put a lock on the bedroom door and claimed that I remove receipts(evidence) from the bedroom and wanted them returned. I didn't but it was her way of saying she knew that I knew and was mad because she got caught.
Sorry for jumping in Sho. I Pray you aren't being played and your W has ended things with OM.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I prayed that I am not being played as well. I guess all I can do is be patient and hope she tells me the truth. She really is someone who would sweep this under the rug. In fact that is one of the issues with our communication...we don't fight ever.
If she never tells me the truth I guess I will know she ended it when she says "I want to work on our marriage." All she has ever said is "I don't want this, you are my H and the father of children" and that she "is trying to change her feelings and she would if she could." But that is not someone committed to our M.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
All she has ever said is "I don't want this, you are my H and the father of children" and that she "is trying to change her feelings and she would if she could." But that is not someone committed to our M.
The problem with all of that is, there's a physiological component to this that is very real, Sho. If she's still in contact with OM (even if it's some sort of "let's step back and cool things off, I need to try to work on my marriage as I have too much invested here" period), her brain is going to be awash in endorphines (PEAs) that will actually chemically BLOCK her from changing her feelings towards you!
Chemically, you won't stand a chance.
THAT is why I'm such a nazi about no-contact and transparency. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive; it's what made an otherwise sane, intelligent adult female NASA astronaut drive across country wearing an adult diaper, so she wouldn't have to stop and take bathroom breaks, as she drove to Florida to avenge her man and confront the other woman!
It's what makes highly successful men and women throw their careers -- and even their families -- away, when it otherwise makes NO sense whatsoever.
It's what causes previously responsible spouses to drain family savings accounts, and run up tens of thousands of credit card debt on their affairs.
It's REAL.
The no-contact, and the DECISION to work on the marriage with you is SO she can open herself up to her feelings for you to return. ANY continued contact with OM -- even NEGATIVE contact, if you can imagine -- sets her withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00.
Do some basic research by Google'ing "PEA love lust brain addiction" and learn more about this. The pull is INTENSE.
Change these terms and you'll get the why in drop kicking the OM to the curb:
The OM/OW have a name that is heroin or meth.
People in affairs are looking to get their next "fix." Their heroin of choice is OM/OW. When my late father was in one of his affairs, he left me behind one Thanksgiving just to spend his precious time with his OW. Stupid man!
So you were right, I am being played. After a great day with my W during which we had a ton of fun, I discovered that she is still in contact with him. I looked over to her while she was texting and saw his initials again. We had gone to a bonfire on the beach with my kids when I saw this. I looked at her and said that I needed to go. She asked why and became very concerned, I pulled her aside and said that I thought that she had ended things in NYC but clearly I was being played. I told her that I accidentally saw her texts. She said "oh SG, that is nothing, it actually is a funny text about him having a bachelor night with some playboys magazines."
I asked her if she wanted to work on our M. She said yes. I then said that I have some boundaries that we needed to discuss later, which we did when the kids went to bed. I told her that in order to work on our M, she needed to end all contact with the OM, needed to delete his #, change phone numbers and write him an email that said never to contact you ever again.
I said that these are my boundaries and that she does not need to follow them. She is a big girl who can make her own decisions. She laughed and said that there was nothing between them and reiterated that I was controlling and a lunatic. She then said "do you want to control everyone with whom I text?" She also reiterated her point that I did not cry when she asked for a divorce, which showed her that I did not care. She also genuinely seemed to want to work on our M but was scared that my changes would not last and that my controlling with whom she texts is exactly the behavior that is driving her away.
She said that she would go NC with the OM in theory because there is nothing between them but in reality she does not want me to control her and with whom she texts.
I reiterated my point that I am committed to our M and our family but that I will not live in an open marriage. I ended the convo by telling her that we both have a lot to think about.
Do I think she wants to work on our M? Yes
Do I think she is keeping both of us around to see how it all works out? Yes
Do I trust her? NO
What s@cks is that she discussed the future with me this past week, she asked about using our money to buy her mom a condo, she discussed future family vacations and whether we should see my parents at thanksgiving, etc.
And now we r on vacation together until Tuesday...
Last edited by shodan; 08/22/1411:08 AM.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Do I think she is keeping both of us around to see how it all works out? Yes
Well of course she is. Why wouldn't she? She has an OM who meets God-only-knows-what needs of hers, and a faithful husband who rubs her feet, takes her on nice vacations, leaves her romantic little notes and is the world's best listener and an awesome dad, and this keeps her family intact.
I'm not trying to be glib, Sho -- I know you're hurting today. And you don't have to decide ANYTHING today, btw. But this is the problem with extending the "Plan A" phase past when you know about an affair, and they KNOW that you know. It only leads to cake-eating and limbo.
You need to remove yourself as Option B. It's "A" or "C", but not "B".
