I was doing so good

[Old Dog]

dawgy. My DB coach told me, sometimes when you've been getting on OK, your spouse may push your buttons (maybe unconsciously, I don't know) and if you react badly, it'll reinforce their belief that they're right.

Chin up fella.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[dawgy]

This has been a day i want to forget for sure . My anxiety and fear of losing everything i hold dear has been overwhelming . I hope to get home tonight and put on my old sneakers and mow some grass for 4 hrs at fierce pace . Maybe this will relieve some of my stress . Again I cant put my finger on what has got me so wound up , but something defintely has . Having a good day now feels like a drug . When I have one i pray for another . And i will do anything to feel good again . Its brutally hard to exercise or GAL when Im in this rut . One day at a time ?? Heck im at one hour at a time . What a way to live . Something has got to give

[PeterV2]

Hi Dawgy.
Wow. I know what you're going through. I've been there. It's agonizingly hard.

I totally back what MLP & Cali are saying. So true. I know it feels like you're pushing her away and it's so counterintuitive it feels wrong. Believe me, it's the right way to approach it.

She will spew, like my W did. She will rewrite your history with things like: we never had any good times, I never did love you, I never should have married you - it was a mistake... etc.
It hurts with BS like that coming out of the mouth of one you love so much. It's really like she's possessed. The exorcist is time.

Like MLP says, it will get worse before it gets better. Strap yourself in for a real rollercoaster ride. It takes an incredible amount of courage and strength to get through this. You've got what it takes.

Like MWD says, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. When I read that I wept. I still do. I just want her back. but it's gone so far off the tracks we now have to take the long way around. There are no shortcuts. But there are coping mechanisms and the vets on this site will be helping you through this. All of us here have a bond by our situations. Just having an ear helps.

Be strong for your kids. Be the best dad you can be. Protect them from the poison. Love them. Spend time with them. Make the focus on them and your own self-improvements. That's the only way the WAW will stop getting pressured from you. DO NOT exert pressure on your W. Set her free. Like MLP says, the A won't last. And her life will get very messy and she'll hit rock bottom before she will admit there's a problem and seek to fix it.

Hang in there buddy.

[Hoju]

Hey Dawgy, hang in there buddy. Today has been a really rough one for me too and I have no idea why. For the first time in 7 years at my current job people have actually asked if I was ok? And that I'm not my usual happy go lucky self. I feel my blood pressure rise and my heart beat uncontrollably as I try to force a smile and say I'm doing well. Maybe it's something to do with the lunar cycle or ocean currents but just try and make it through the day and hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.

[u-turn]

Dawgy-I feel for you man. It has been one of those weeks so far. Sometimes I get wound up for unknown reasons and have to talk myself down. Sometimes it is just the littlest things too. It sure helps to vent here.

Keep up the good work - release - you've got this.

[Spacey]

Oh man, I hear you dawgy. Those days where you're just gripped by panic and sadness, and you feel like you just can't get up and do those dishes, or mow that lawn, or go for that run. They're just awful, and they're a vicious cycle.

Find something, anything, that will let you snap out of it mentally, even if it's just for half an hour. 30 minutes of clarity... That's all you need to get up and get moving. You just need to be up and on your feet long enough to get that lawnmower engine going (or, if it's a dawgy powered push mower, to get that first strip of grass cut). Just get past that first point of no return (can't leave the lawn looking like that!), and you'll be golden for the rest of the day.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids. Do it for the leprechaun that watches you sleep at night, if you have to. Just get that 6 foot strip of grass cut, and make sure you cut it somewhere where the neighbours, passersby, or anybody else who might be able to see it can see it. That way you have to finish.

[dawgy]

oh man you guys are great . lolol I am snapping out of it , i can feel it but its been a hard climb out of the hole the last few days but i believe Im almost out . I managed to cut quite a bit of grass last night and i went for a ride on the motorcycle . That helped too . i think the reason ive had such a hard time this week is because of some over indulgent drinking on Sat night at my cousins wedding . You know what they say that alcohol is a depressant . But yeah this forum has been fantastic . So many great strong people on here that give alot of hope . Peter its good to hear from you my friend . Ive missed your posts for a while but when i read them they really hit home for me bud , thx . And Spacey first time ive heard from you dude , i believe thx for the pep talk , much appreciated and a huge laugh from the Leprechaun watchin me sleep comment . hilarious . I probably wont be able to sleep tonight , I ll keep waking up looking for him lolo . Priceless . U -Turn , lets continue to support each other bud , our sitches are so the same . Hoju thx for chiming in your support is appreciated

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, I was reading Spacey's sitch and saw your comment:

But as my W was there for me back then im trying to be there for her right now . Im trying to help her work through her pain and heal.

2x4 time.

When she was helping you through tough times it was due to a car accident, not a MLC or A.

Don't be there for her. She's involved with an OM in an A. You helping her through this is allowing cake-eating. You cannot and should not even talk about R stuff - hers or yours while there is an OM in the picture. She needs to deal with the consequences of her own decisions on her own. (same applies to Spacey). By you helping her and being her BF is not going to make her miss you. Detach. Work on yourself. Leave her alone. Give her space and time. Don't jump when she calls. When the OM is NC and totally out of her head, then if she's willing you can talk R. Until then work on yourself. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.
Her pain and healing is hers to deal with and she needs to take ownership of that. Do not come to her rescue. That weakens your position and frankly looks pathetic in her eyes. Take a stand and stay detached. I know it's totally counterintuitive, but it's absolutely necessary at this point.
Be strong. Keep your chin up.

[Spacey]

Don't be there for her. She's involved with an OM in an A. You helping her through this is allowing cake-eating. You cannot and should not even talk about R stuff - hers or yours while there is an OM in the picture. She needs to deal with the consequences of her own decisions on her own.

Very important point there. You can't be her friend while she's seeking the company of another man. Doing so does two things: 1) It tells her that you're OK with her seeing someone else, and 2) it relieves the OM of a huge chunk of responsibility in his relationship with your wife. If you're wife's going to be with someone else, you have to let the OM carry his full and fair share of the responsibility and burden of dealing with your wife and her problems, and you have to let your wife carry the full load and burden of dealing with her own problems.

Don't be a crutch. Be friendly, but don't be her friend. It's both more difficult, and easier, than you think. She'll find ways to take it out on you, but you can just walk away from it. You might not feel good about doing so, but you'll feel a lot better than if you decided to stand there and take her abuse.

And yes, coming to you with her problems while simultaneously rejecting you is abuse.

Until then work on yourself. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.

This is what walking away is all about right now. You can't watch her be with an OM. Trust me, I've been there and it was the cruelest thing I ever experienced. You're not doing her any favours, and you're definitely not doing yourself any favours!

Protect yourself so that you can heal. It's only by healing that you can save your marriage. Your wife's never going to come back to a broken man, and if you try to act as her (and her relationship with OM's) crutch, you will end up feeling like a broken man.

That weakens your position and frankly looks pathetic in her eyes.

Honestly, this is very common advice handed out all over the internet. It may be well intended, but it's manipulative and off the mark. Yes, we all (or most of us, anyhow) want our spouses back. Yes, we're probably more likely to try something if we believe it will lead to them coming home, and we're less likely to try something if we believe it's going to make us look weak or hurt our chances of getting our marriages back.

But it's not actually a convincing argument for going dark. At best it's a carrot; at worst, it's a distraction from the actual goal of returning ourselves to a state of self-confidence. Actually, no, at worst it's actually a burden on our self-confidence, because it's telling people who really want to reach out and connect with their spouses that doing so (and by connection, wanting to do so) is a sign of weakness.

Beat up people already feel weak. I know I do, and I'm sure dwagy does. This kind of thing simply validates those feelings, and continues to erode self-confidence.


dawgy, I know you want to be there for her. I'm sure at some level, you don't even care if being there will bring her home. It's just your gut reaction. As far as you're concerned, it's your job and your duty. As admirable as that is, it's hurting you, and anything that hurts you also hurts your kids. Your wife is her own person, and you have to let her make her own choices, and, more importantly, deal with her own consequences. Her mistakes are hers to make, and hers to own. She's never going to stop making them if you're always going to try to swoop in and rescue her, and your own bruises are never going to heal if you keep on swooping.

[PeterV2]

Spacey, I didn't mean to undermine dawgy's confidence with that remark. I'm just paraphrasing what Sandi said at one point. She was a WAW in an A and viewed her husband at times as pathetic. Sandi did come out of the fog and healed her M eventually. But WAWs do not think highly of the LBS when they try to rescue or pursue. I do believe that's a fairly universal response of the WAW. Sandi, maybe you can chime in here. Do I have this right?