Need advice

[AnotherStander]

I would suggest you keep posting here, you're not really in piecing until your WAW declares that she's fully committed to making the M work again. You'll get more responses here too, there's not a lot of traffic in the piecing forum.

[sandi2]

I said I didn't want her to feel pressure to do that for me and she said she wanted to, also said she would cuddle me on the couch like we used to before BD.

Why would she feel pressure, unless you are saying or doing something to cause it? Did she simply volunteer for the job, or was she telling you the limits of any physical affection...to get you off her back? I'm just trying to understand the real issue here.

I know you "want" to believe there's nothing more than a friendship between your W and the OM, but if she's stated it was "wrong" then there was more to it--or she wanted more. Again, I don't how much of the information was pressured out of her. I can almost guarantee that your MR will not be where it should be as long as there is a third party involved. I'm just saying that you cannot "piece" a relationship for two, when a third person is in the middle. What you choose to see as her warming up toward you, seems more like her trying to keep you at bay, IMO. But I don't have the whole picture yet and certainly don't know all the details. You may see me as being negative, but I'm trying to warn you to brace yourself for things to get worse before they get better.

I don't how serious your jealousy & control problems have been in the past. My question is....did she give you a reason to be jealous and feel you had to control her, or was that your issues alone? Did you have just cause not to trust her? Has she ever had an EA/PA?

BTW, even if things should get worse....your M can still be saved. However, newcomers usually have to learn how to approach the situation differently than perhaps they knew. Stick with us, okay?

[Lakeman]

Hi sandi, to answer some of your questions
I said I didn't want her to feel pressure because I felt it was a big step from where we are. She did volunteer it, but I suppose she ultimately told me the limits of physical affection. I believe she has sensed some of my frustration over the situation.

When she stated she knew what she had done was wrong she was talking about having an email account secret from me and not who she was contacting with it. She was specific that nothing was wrong with contacting g this guy from the past ( who was also a friend before and after brief relationship).

She has never given me a reason to be jealous in the past. She has never had a EA/PA i have been aware of or suspected. I was cheated on before and sadly carried that into my marriage. It wasn't over the top bad, but it did exist. The control issues were more based around financial decisions.

I really appreciate your input and don't view you as negative. Any suggestions on where to go from here/ how to approach the situation?

[Lakeman]

So I'm back. And not in great shape. After seemingly turning things around from Christmas on ( lots of love making and effection). I have snooped and confirmed today a long lasting cross country EA/PA. I am devistated right now and need advice on how to proceed. I feel like I need bring this out in the open tonight when my wife gets home from work. I plan on being calm and asking for the truth, which I. Didn't get for the last year atleast. Now with solid evidence what is the best way to go. Any advice would be great. I have made lots of changes in the last year that has stuck, leading me to believe what might have happen( never had proof before) was over and we were on the right track:(

[MrBond]

So did you drop off the boards because you thought you were in Piecing? Many people do that and they don't realize it until later that the most critical stage is when things are starting to look positive.

Let me take a wild guess. You and your W never attended C.

[Lakeman]

That is correct Mr Bond. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. I dropped off the boards because I found it all difficult to read. What to do now?

[MrBond]

Why didn't you go to C? Let me guess this also... was it because you were afraid that if you brought it up that she would leave?

I can't tell you how many times couples don't follow through with C and sweep things under the rug. The problem is that the issues your W had that made her leave the first time are never gone or worked on so they come out again.

I would confront her with this and tell her that you want complete honesty from her. She will get extremely angry as if you were the one who did something wrong, but don't back down.

[Lakeman]

Thank you Mr Bond.

I have read about boundaries an could use some advice on this for tonight. Or should I just ask for honesty.

[Lakeman]

Well I confronted W lastnight when she got home from work.

Told her I had discovered proof of her affair and ask for complete honest. I stayed calm and didn't get upset as she continued to deny everything. She ask me many times what proof I had and what exactly I knew. I told her I would tell her when I felt she was being honest with me. It was like a weird standoff.

Eventually she admitted to being in email connection everyday with OM. I thanked her for being honest and said we could continue the conversation when she was ready. She continue to try and find out what I knew and how I found out. I felt for some reason not ready to share what I know about her affair. Is this a mistake?

I don't know how long I could wait for honest. I feel asking her to leave our home. She would likely need help from her mother or a full time job for us to be able to afford this.
Any thoughts?

[Lakeman]

Having a bit of a rough day if anyone can chime in with some suggestions

Thanks