What to do when an EA involved?

[Joe1981]

Don't do counseling yet. Save that for if she wants to. If you do want to throw it out there, and she's interested (which I doubt during the EA), make sure the counselor is solutions oriented and committed to saving marriages, not giving her reassurance for her decision to quit.

Prior to reading DR, at least read and try to follow Sandi's 37 rules. It's a good place to start.

[Hoju]

Wife told me she found a place that she could move to last night. She seems really genuinely upset and often leaves our conversation in tears. I've been nothing but supportive of her decision while letting her know it's not something I want. I just don't understand if she is so upset over the thought of leaving why is she so eager to get out?

[Roberta]

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[Hoju]

Thanks Roberta I think I will, I'm at work right now which makes it hard, what are your hours of operation? I can't seem to find anything on the site under telephone coaching

[Hoju]

Wife just called and said her dad wanted to have coffee with me to see how i'm doing. I know we are suppose to cut off the family contact but is this different especially if we don't discuss the M?

[sandi2]

I don't know where you get some of these ideas when you haven't read the book yet. You don't have to cut off family contact. In most cases it is best not to get M advice and/or interference from your friends and relatives.

I think you should meet your FIL for coffee, especially if you have had a good R with him. It is up to you if you want to answer any questions he may ask. And he may ask if you want the D. Tell him the truth. OTOH, he may not ask anything and just express his sorrow.

I'm not suggesting you get on FB and blab to the world about her A, but you aren't obligated to cover up the truth from immediate family members. She may not want people to know the real reason she wants a D. A lot of women prefer others not know they want another man, and may even expect the LBH to lie for her. After all, the truth isn't always pretty. But your W was the one who told you her dad wanted to meet with you......and she didn't coach you, right?

[Hoju]

Thanks sandi your advice is always appreciated. I had my first talk with a marriage coach today and he said the same thing, as well as gave me some great advice on how to handle the coffee. W did call me and told me her dad wanted to meet and didn't mention anything i should or shouldn't say.

[Hoju]

Having an exceptionally rough night so figured i'd post instead of doing something stupid.

Wife never came home last night which i've been slowly coming to terms with, giving space and such. However when she came home today her clothes were caked in mud. She never ever wanted to go camping with me much less ever get dirty, i couldn't even convince her to come to a cottage with sime friends because she was so insecure about going without makeup and pooping. Is it possible she has really changed or is this just a front to impress someone else? I know it doesn't matter and i can't change her actions but writting this is all that is stopping me from going upstairs and asking about her weekend and where she was.... Also asking why she never wanted to do anything with me.

[Wet]

Hi Hoju,

Has your W moved out yet? If not, that must be the hardest part of having an in-house separation, when they do not come home at night. Keep strong, stay away from her.

[Hoju]

Thanks wet the support is really appreciated.

It's been really hard with her still living here, not ever knowing where she is or where she has been is absolutely killing me. At the same time it's the only thing still giving me hope for reconciliation. I'm just trying to be a good roommate at this point and giving her lots of space in hopes she doesn't leave. I know she has been looking at apartments and i feel if she leaves it's all over for us.