Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

Thanks Mindsin.

I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It is just killing me though

[BigMac]

Journaling

I'm back at the old house, getting stuff ready for landlord to show it, and packing a bunch of stuff alone. That is the hardest part of this entire process, the being alone. Hopefully once I get to the new town, I can stop being alone, stop having to constantly travel. Just be somewhere and be me.

[CaliGuy]

BM yeah I can relate to the alone thing, one of the issues my IC is trying to help me with .. forcing myself to get out and be social ... I would honestly rather just stay in the room I rented and watch a movie by myself .... but thats not helping me be better. Even after outings .. I come home and its just me ... the silence is deafening. I have learned to accept it .. and have started to enjoy my own company, I guess over time all I can tell you is it gets easier ... I am going on close to a year now.

[Old Dog]

Damn. You're right CaliGuy. It's beer o'clock.

[BigMac]

People came by today looking at the rental I'm in. I'm picking up boxes to start packing up alone.

Nothing like two of the top stressors in life stacked on each other. I sometimes think that I'm crazy for feeling sad. But I guess these waves are normal in these situations.

[BigMac]

For me the biggest challenge has been no sense of normalcy. I am at the house for the first time in a week and a half.

I showered in my own shower (for a week at least), with my own shampoo and conditioner (my beard has been pretty rough this past week).

I went to the post office, paid some bills (no martyring, practicing self care). I threw some pork in the crock pot when I got home last night, and went to the grocery store and shopped for some vegetables.

I had to have one quick call for work, then I watched some TV and took a short nap. I have been pushing so hard, with getting sick, driving the car and the W's bunny across america, Vail for 5 days and then Tx for 2.

Finally, for a short time, I'm in a "safe place" where I can feel grounded. I hope when I get to Tx I feel this grounded. I want to feel like I am at home.

But for now, I am packing a house up alone. The worries and stresses of life dominating my focus. Just trying to get my mind off the hard stuff for little time, to be refreshed.

Luckily I hear my S8 giggling in the background. Thank god for his laughter, it is amazing to hear.

[ItHurts]

Hey Bic Mac, well I can tell you this. My WAW dropped the bomb on me the end of April in the apartment we lived in for 17 years. So once she moved out, and I was left alone in there...with blank walls, boxes everwhere, stuff disassembled, etc...it was torture. But because our lease wasn't up until the end of June I had to stay there for two months...and all of this was fresh to me back then. Now at least nothing phases me...I figure it can't get any worse than it is now. But I can relate. It's almost symbolic how the home we built together was being disassembled. It was awful having to live there.
Now that I've been in my own place for a little over a month...I will say it is a bit easier but it still hurts. The memories don't stay in the dwelling, they come with you. Of course my WAW left me everything...from forks to all the furniture and everything in between. So there's memories all over the place. Even worse, she's actually been here a few times and spent the night here a few times. In a way I draw some sort of weird comfort from that though. I guess that's just what a broken-hearted person does, seek comfort in anything.

So I don't want you to think it's smooth sailing once you're away from the marital home...there's still many nights I cry myself to sleep. However it is a bit easier because you do develop your own routines and things...it's just hard to do them when every damn things you see, smell, and hear everyday reminds you of WAW. Of course this is still new to me though too, only just over a months here so I'm sure it will keep getting easier. Hang tough my friend, you are not alone in your heartbreak and gut-wrenching sorrow.

[BigMac]

ItHurts - Thanks, it's nice to know that I'm not alone (and I'm sending positive thoughts your way). It looks like almost all of "our" stuff is going to her new place. I'll be renting a bed nearby, and hopefully finding a small house to rent in a month or two.

I'll be pretty much starting over fresh, with nothing of my own (maybe a comforter and pillows). The house we built will be in her new house, with the kids.

Thats another thing that has me a bit off. I've been a single dad since Feb. I've spent so much time with S8. He is my best little buddy. We do everything together, and he is a great little guy. It is going to be weird not having him around ALL the time. Though I am sure that W will have no problem with me coming over at night to throw the frisbee or football with him, or letting him come over to play xbox.

So, the future is up in the air. But I do have something to look forward to (throwing the football with S8, and practicing volleyball with D16).

Now, I am off to my todo list. Write some more, read a bit. Eat a good breakfast and then continue packing up.

[BigMac]

Contact log

Had to hunt the W down today to get info on what day she is flying back in to help pack and move.

Covered a couple things, empathized about her being stuck doing reports instead of being at the hackathon that she wanted too.

She hasn't booked a flight back yet, and seems to be more focused on her self (selfish streak is strong in this one). I can see how she feels this way though. She spent 14 years "taking care of others" (though the last couple years it was the other way around... though I don't think she will see this for a while).

We talked a little about work, it is funny she commented how she doesn't make as much as me (I've been in my field for 17 years, and this is her first actual job in the industry). I told her to give it time, and she will do just fine.

She is still bouncing around trying to get her place nailed down. Apparently she won't leave until getting the keys (instead of getting the keys when she shows up)..

I get the feeling that she is living moment by moment lately, balanced on the tip of exhaustion and burn out at work. She has been depressed and burnt out like this since the end of her school in March. I wish I could do something to help her, but she has done this one to her self. Me rescuing won't help her one bit.

The call ended fine, I wished her a great day, and she replied with the same. It's nice to be at least cordial in our responses. That is an improvement from a month or two ago.

[BigMac]

I was just going through paperwork cleaning my office (packing).

I came across some interesting stuff which sets a timeline

2010 - 100 lbs dropped (both of us)
Jan 2011 - Lazy Eye fixed.
May 2011 - Boob job
June 2011 - I change jobs to a high stress high travel job
Jan 2012 - Knee issue, can't run anymore
Aug 2012 - Kidney failure (single kidney)
Jan 2013 - Partial recovery from kidney issue
Feb 2013 - my best friend falls in love with W, she denies anything happened (EA in my opinion)
Fall 2013 - Job hunt, keeps getting to final interviews and turned down
Nov 2013 - Trip to HK and Vietnam, she is completely stressed the entire time
Feb 2014 - W has to move to SF (45 min away) for school
March 2014 - Something snaps (big depression at school)
April 2014 - Gets new job, never comes back
May 2014 - Separation

Basically my low self esteem wife, that I loved dearly (but didn't know how to show love). Went through so many life changes, while I was stressed, depressed an away. I wish I would have known better, and been there for her. Changed myself earlier.

It's funny how hindsight is 20/20