KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

I typed that last post on my phone while waiting to pick up a pizza, so didn't have much time to elaborate. It's frustrating that H gets in these "sharing" modes where he texts/emails a bunch of stuff, but then when I when I ask a follow-up question or ask anything at all, really, now it's not my business. He only wants conversation to be on his terms. His whole "why would you ask that? It's none of your business" sounds pretty final and doesn't leave much room for hope. Feels like he's burning some bridges here in not caring if he says something hurtful. I talked to his sister today who told me that he's working w/ his friend (who works for a supplement company, super into nutrition and fitness and somewhat quacky things like only eat at certain times of the day and only X things) on a supplement/workout regimen and "bulking up." It's so strange because H is a pretty small guy (5'8'', 150 lbs, not an ounce of fat on him but average muscle) and adding more muscle is going to look strange on his small frame (overcompensation??) His sister said he wants to look like his friend, which isn't going to be possible because friend is taller and bigger overall to begin with. Sister also mentioned again that these friends don't have girlfriends and he spends a lot of time with them.. his family is really hung up on the fact that these friends don't have gfs.

I told h's sis "let me know if you see any signs of hope! seems like he's liking his single life" and she said "I'll let you know either way, but to be honest he doesn't share much." Who is this guy and what has he done with my H? I can try and joke to myself and think "Guess we really aren't compatible because I love my carbs and pasta!" but it's only partly a joke.. because honestly how would we make food together and enjoy anything if he's on a no carbs, fish oil, eggs and chicken breasts, five small meals a day plan? I guess when people change during this process, it's not always changes that bring you closer together.

I'm considering saying "nevermind, you can donate the food or trash it" because I don't feel like picking it up, because then I'd have to interact with him. It's just not worth it. It's much better when there's no interaction and I can pretend he just fell off the face of the earth, instead of out there doing who knows what without me.

[Ss06]

People absolutely can be married and be on completely different diets. It's not easy but it can totally be done.

Frankly, the fact that your H likes mac and cheese and spaghetti-o's is very in-line with his behavior in that text exchange. He's acting like a child. I'd ignore it. Pasta is cheap, let him donate it or find someone else for it to go to. He could have texted 100 other people about his not needing the pasta but he texted YOU. He pursued you, you responded and he pulled away with his "it's not your business" crap.

I'm not you and I'm no vet but he's acting younger than my D6. I'd NC big time. I wouldn't want to be his mother.

The bulking up thing is very indicative of him trying to up his sexy-factor. Douche.

[KGirl]

Ha! Ss, you made me chuckle I have been thinking a lot lately "what a douche!" (glad that isn't a censored word) as opposed to "I miss him so much, why oh why?" which may be an improvement in my thinking? The nutrition thing was something we did not agree on before BD so I guess now he feels like he can finally embrace this "lifestyle" with his friends. And by nutrition, I mean his friend was all about rules like - don't eat after 9pm, only eat fruit at certain times of day, only eat these things for lunch, etc. Things that generally speaking have no scientific basis - I work in a science department at a university and am surrounded by people with PhDs in nutrition and biochemical sciences, so I think I have some solid logic behind some simple facts like if you intake more calories than you burn, you'll gain fat, working out will build muscle, and the majority of Americans consume way beyond the rec'd daily amount of protein so protein supplements aren't necessary unless you're a marathoner/body builder/something like that. But he was also certain that his friend who worked for GHC or whatever was the authority. We'll see if he turns out as sexy as he thinks

You're so right, he really didn't need to ask me about the food. He could have just left it, or donated it, or whatever, so he didn't have to reach out to me. The pursuer/distancer dynamic rears its head again!

His sister asked me if I was going to tell H that I got a cat. I'm thinking not. None of his business, right?

[Maybell]

Kgirl, I think we cycle through "what a douche" and "I miss him so" -- sometimes in the same day!

Nothing is final. He doesn't even know if he wants to divorce. It's SO not final.

WRT the cat, when you're ready to know what you want a little more, it might be worth while to think strategically about what you communicate with him. He's weird with the "not your business" thing, but that suggests a hot-button issue as much as pursuer-distancer (of course I only have the one example so...)

[KGirl]

From time to time I do think to myself "well, he hasn't said yet that he's starting the divorce, so there's hope" but I don't even know if that means anything anymore. He's a procrastinator. And he said before that he didn't want to hurt me. So I do wonder if his mind is made up but just hasn't gotten around to pulling the trigger yet/is trying to figure out how to do so in the nicest way possible. Blech. Yeah, I'm not really sure what would be a good strategy about communicating with him, besides only keep it to bills and logistics (things that absolutely have to be asked about or shared). Without kids, once the financials are all squared away there'd be zero reason to communicate with him in the future after the D so there's no need to keep an amicable relationship. He will actually fall off the face of "my" earth! I know I'm not supposed to keep score and I'm not sure if this is what that is, but I also don't want to share a bunch of stuff about my life/me and then he shares nothing. We've also had this dynamic for a long time where I'm more open and want to share and want HIM to share and to have access to things (email, his phone, etc.) and then he gets more and more closed off and feels like I'm prying, or don't trust him, or asking too many questions (I think this is where the defensiveness of "none of your business" comes from). I don't want to create something where he thinks it's OK for me to continue to be so open and it's OK for him to continue to be closed off and secretive.

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^^^
Yes. The reality is that just because they don't pursue D doesn't mean they are willing to work on the M. Could mean they aren't sure what they want. Could mean they are too lazy to do anything about it. Could mean they view the D process as a technicality as they just live their life like they are D. I don't mean that to be negative- just honest.

KGirl, the food comment about being none of your business made me laugh. Neutral response are best and it may be a good idea to stay dim. In regards to the bills, I'm not sure what the best strategy is. Hope you are enjoying the new kitty.

[KGirl]

GB, I'd really like to see a visual of dropping that rope Cirque de Soleil style I really don't recognize much of anything about H anymore. It's so strange. And if he wasn't only 28 I would swear he is having an MLC - buying new clothes, getting into his new diet/workout plan, going on all kinds of weekend getaways, reinventing himself, etc. Maybe it's a quarter-life crisis. He did say he feels like he missed out on his college days because of me and he didn't make enough friends. So I guess now he's going to be Mr. Social Butterfly. I have no idea if he's still going to IC but I hope so. On a daily basis I wonder if I'm ready to be done with this and file myself because it just may not be overcomeable for me anymore, but my barometer so far has been "If he called you tonight and told you he was so sorry, and really screwed up, and would do anything to make this right, would you consider it?" So far my answer has always been yes, and I've told myself when the answer is "no" then it's time. But I could be willing to give that "yes" answer for a looong time.

[KGirl]

My phone opened Pandora without me clicking on it, and the song it played was "What you got" by Pat McGee. The ladies out there who watch for signs from the universe will appreciate the lyrics:

You got to hold on to what you got
Things might fall apart
But it don't mean nothing less you stick to your ways
You got to hold on to what you got
Before you get burned

Couldn't find yourself
Blame somebody else
You never look at me straight in the eye
And you won't even ask why

Must have been something
You don't even seem to mind at all
Nothing could have even been so bad


Too bad Pandora can't magically play this on H's phone.

[vossy]

Ha, those lyrics are spot-on.

With regard to your cat, I wouldn't tell him specifically, but if the other cat comes up in conversation at any point, you could mention it. In terms of your future R and having two cats, just think of it as though you were two people meeting for the first time and deciding to live together. If that was the case, you'd have to figure out how to make two cats learn to live together.. so it's the same thing really.

[KGirl]

Ok, I need some help here. On Friday H told me he wasn't eating pasta anymore and wanted to know if I wanted any boxes, and when I asked about why he said "why would you ask that" and said it was not my business. Today he texted me a story about how the cat was trying to climb a curtain and he couldn't figure out why and then found out there was a mouse and they chased it around the bedroom and he wonders where the mice are, etc. I'm confused about why he can talk about some things but others aren't my business. It seems like he only wants to communicate when it's good for him and I don't want to be used, so to speak. I don't know if I should respond at all because he was so not nice before that it doesn't incite me to be conversational. But I also want to keep the road home smooth.