Ready!!! Confuse Theeeeeeeeeeeee....(Pause)...CAT!

[LoisB]

Just wanted to let everyone know that today went really well...And, I think the key was MY ATTITUDE. I was confident and positive.

I will fill you in later...lil tired.

My bro made one funny comment though...He said my life sounds like a Spanish Soap Opera. :-)

Yup. Pretty much. Ready to live in a non-Spanish-speaking country.

Everyone was supportive. My cousin's wife in particular and this gave me confidence to put it out there to everyone else.

Much love to all :-)

[LoisB]

I have a lil bit of time this morning before we get ready to leave for the concert. Thought I'd journal a bit before I forget my "Scientific Observations."

One of D11's friends bailed at the last minute on the concert. So, I just have D11 and one friend...which is probably better...but, I feel sad for the little girl that didn't come. We stopped and tried to encourage her, but she decided to stay home.

Anyway, then night before...when I received the news about the extra ticket, D20, of course threw her hat into the ring.

Had a major, ridiculous, 2-year-old tantrum when I told her that I needed her to stay home with the dog AND didn't really trust that she could keep her wits about her after the argument with my sister. I was a bit on the fence because I know she wanted to see everyone and swim at my dad's, etc...Then, she is laying on the couch and I'm at the one end. She pitches a major meltdown and kicks me. YES, she kicked me. That was it.

I packed up. Told her I loved her, but she crossed the line you don't cross with the kick. Her response, "Don't be a baby."

I was so strong and firm that I almost scared myself. But, this time was different in that I WAS COMPLETELY IN CONTROL. She knew that I could dial 911 and she knew she had crossed the line.

We left. D11 didn't witness the scene. But, D11 knew that D20 had pitched a fit and that D20 had made the morning, concert all about her...that was enough.

When I had discussed with D11 whether to give the ticket to her or not...D11 was firm and unwavering that she wanted this concert to be about D11...D20 draws attention wherever she goes and she wanted this to be HER VERY OWN THING...Just D11. So, that's what we are doing.

Received an apology later from D20...and, two phone calls.

[LoisB]

YES, she kicked me. That was it.

Homey don't play that NO MORE.

I packed up. Told her I loved her, but she crossed the line you don't cross with the kick. Her response, "Don't be a baby."

Or THAT ^^^^^^^^^^

I was so strong and firm that I almost scared myself. But, this time was different in that I WAS COMPLETELY IN CONTROL. She knew that I could dial 911 and she knew she had crossed the line.

Made my point ^^^^^^^.

Received an apology later from D20...and, two phone calls.

She wants back on the team. As she should. It's a winning team.

[LoisB]

Before I move on, though, here are the main points of my Scientific Obervations....

1. I really AM different. I'm different in how I interact with people and how I feel AROUND people. I like me. I feel confident. I love myself and appreciate how I'm unique and worthy.

2. My mom manipulates behind the scenes...a lot.

3. D20 can't pull my puppet strings anymore. And, I think she knows it. Although, I didn't like how I was so upset after this tantrum...even the feeling upset BECAUSE of HER episode was TOO MUCH FOR ME. I will not have my life UPSET by such insanity and silliness.

4. D11's progress is real. REAL. I received many, manyyyyy comments on how incredibly confident and social she is...very different from the little girl who used to be attached to me like a leach. I received a lot of Atta Boys and support for our hard work and sacrifice.

5. My family's intrigue and behind the scenes analysis isn't as heavy as my paranoia has given too...but, I also see WHY I feel the way I do. AND, I DO THINK MY MOM is the SOURCE OF A LOT OF Insanity. It was pretty awful (the judgment/analysis from everyone)for a very long time and old habits are hard to break. My dad has mellowed. Or, he is on some sort of medication...:-) Either way, I will take it. Felt the most unconditional love from him than maybe ever. Or, maybe, now, I'm just better at being open to it???

[Shining]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"THIS GIRL IS ON FIIIIIIIIIIIRRE" - (Alicia Keys)

[LoisB]

Thanks Shining :-)

My family's intrigue and behind the scenes analysis isn't as heavy as my paranoia has given too...but, I also see WHY I feel the way I do. AND, I DO THINK MY MOM is the SOURCE OF A LOT OF Insanity. It was pretty awful (the judgment/analysis from everyone)for a very long time and old habits are hard to break. My dad has mellowed. Or, he is on some sort of medication...:-) Either way, I will take it. Felt the most unconditional love from him than maybe ever. Or, maybe, now, I'm just better at being open to it???

Here's where we how old sins cast long shadows--for those of us with kids...I hope my experience helps navigate some treacherous waters ahead.

For years after my dad's MLC, I didn't want anything to do with him. I kept my distance and tried to avoid him. He became very sensitive and pursued me a lot...up until the past few years. And, the song and dance became focused on how Heather avoids her dad...as opposed to dad looking at how his behavior impacted me and put in a position where I felt I needed my distance from him.

Anyway...I marry Smokey and Smokey is really, really, really insecure. He hates being around my dad who is arrogant, ego-centric and has lots of money and likes to impress...Smokey never finishes college and feels lesser than...

Well, to put it mildly, getting up to visit my dad (two hours away) was hard. Especially with two kids and a daughter with Asperger's who hated to leave her safe house. AND, to make things worse, my getting to my dad's house is kinda tricky. I always...ALWAYS...even now...have a hard time navigating and end up in Michigan (it's right on the border).

Throw in Smokey's issues, my issues with my dad and OW and ALL their money (always a new Ferrari in the garage) while we live in poverty...you have a recipe for disaster. Smokey would end up abusing me verbally and emotionally...sometimes in front of my dad and, often, I would choose to drive up without him which was really hard because D11 was a terrible kid in the car...hated going places and would meltdown, etc... Smokey and I had some of our worst, most brutal arguments going to and from my dad's...

So, that brings us today. I feel pressure and old issues rise when I drive to my dad's house. And, to add to the Spanish Soap Opera...my Jeep is old and I worry about driving it so far. I just had work done and the mechanic gave me the go ahead to drive to Detroit, but it's still scary to me. The easiest way to get to my dad's house is via the turnpike.

So, yesterday, I leave with plenty of time and text my dad before I leave to give him a head's up on when we will arrive. Things are going well. I get on the turnpike. The car shakes a bit and I think of my mom saying, "You can't drive that car to Toledo." I panic.

I get off the turnpike thinking maybe I can't get it up to those kind of speeds. I get scared. I take a back way. Well, I have D11 who is a terrible navigator...The tension is building...Remember, I just left the house after this terrible argument with D20...at least SHE argued. So, I start to feel like I'm spinning.

D11 worries about getting lost so she starts making comments like, "I don't remember EVER going this way."

"Are we lost?"

"Are we ever going to get there?"

"Is this the right way?"

Etc...

I contain myself. I'm do what I need and stop here and there to adjust my directions. I text my dad that we are running late which is always a sore spot for me because ALWAYS seem to be late no matter how hard I try to be on time with him.

We arrive 35 minutes late and I end up getting lost despite years of my dad and brother and Smokey telling me the correct way to go. Always happens. SOOOOO Frustrating.

Anyway...in this small, microcosm of my life...I looked at all the factors. I validated myself. I stopped beating myself up and tried to calm myself down. I wasn't at my best when I arrived, but everyone was welcoming and kind and my dad didn't seem too put out.

But, my brother was late too. And, as we waited for him, I watched as my stepmother (OW/Dad's secretary) obsessed over what time he was going to arrive. She is a planner. She is the Harriet to my dad's Ozzie. They live in this really surreal world of vacations, entertaining, perfect place for everything kinda world. I can see how the pressure from everything else in my life influenced me over the years and how I developed this sorta nervous twitch when I brought my very imperfect/REAL family into the mix and I always seemed to be the one walking into the party with my tail between my legs.

I did that a little yesterday...but, I was different. I wasn't as scared. I believed in myself and trusted that I had good reasons for being late. It was ok. I didn't make an issue out of it like I used to...It was better.

Hugged my sister, confidently, right off the bat. Got that out of the way first thing.

[LoisB]

My mom manipulates behind the scenes...a lot.

Mom calls me on the way. All chipper and nice and asks if we are on the way to the big event. I'm nice back and confident and it feels nice that she called.

So, I get to the party and My Dad makes a point to tell me how happy he is that I am there and that feels good. He tells me a couple of times. I feel welcomed and realize that...even if my sister has filled him in on the argument...he is still happy I'm there and loving. I fill him in on all the good stuff...the job interview in New York, the demise of the in-house tutoring and tell him about D20 taking time off from college. He tenses up, but he roll with it. I acknowledge that D20 taking time off isn't what he wants to hear...but, that I really think it will be for the best...But, I do sense him pulling back some with news. But, all in all, I see my dad being thrilled his kids are all together and we have some awesome special moments that I don't feel pressure to orchestrate or get heavy...I'm just me...happy and confident. It's a good time. I see my 96-year-old grandma...I feel some guilt about D20 being at home...but remind myself of her behavior and validate my decision.

Scene 3

D20 texts me. My mom had gone to the house to give D20 a ride to a new job so she could fill out paperwork. Apparently, mom filled D20 with all kinds of information...

1. Mom doesn't think it's a good idea for me to go to New York...EVEN FOR THE INTERVIEW!!!

2. Mom tells D20, "I worry that you are just following your mom and not making your own decisions. I don't want you to follow your mom and regret it."

3. Mom puts pressure on D20 to stay in our current hometown even if I move to New York. WTF???

4. Then, mom tells D20 that she (mom) has called my brother (who is at the party with me) and asked him if his two sisters are getting along because..."you know Heather really hurt sis's feelings the other day. She was terrible to your other sister." Again, WTF???

[LoisB]

Mom tells D20 how she is sooooo disappointed in me and how I treated my sister. Hmmmmm...The pieces to the puzzle are beginning to fit together.

Brother doesn't mention the phone call from my mom but I do mention, to HIM, that mom is upset with me and I say that I feel mom stirs the pot. Bro steps away from me. I think he is like me...he just removes himself from the drama in order to protect himself...but, I think he believes I am a part of the drama. I hate that...But, I get it. My life really is a Spanish Soap Opera right now and...he and his wife are pregnant with their first baby and his life is really settled.

He also mentions how he has spent three of the last four weekends at my dad's and that hurts a little...but, I get it. My dad just doesn't invite us like he used to. There is a reality that people see my life as a Spanish Soap Opera and stay away. I think it's a bit unfair, but I know that they don't get this...and, honestly, I'm not sure I want my baby bro to EVER truly understand this because that would mean he would have to experience it himself.

A part of this journey...on these boards...is just so WACKADOO...it's really hard to understand how we the LBS is an innocent bystander. Five years ago, if someone were to tell me the details of my situation...I would probably ask myself, "What is SHE doing to create to the INSANITY? She HAS to be JUST AS CRA-CRA as Smokey is?"

I get it. But, yesterday, the difference was that I didn't allow the shame of it all to influence how I acted around everyone. I gave MYSELF credit for what I've survived...whether they understood or not.

[LoisB]

Scene 4

D11's progress is real. REAL. I received many, manyyyyy comments on how incredibly confident and social she is...very different from the little girl who used to be attached to me like a leach. I received a lot of Atta Boys and support for our hard work and sacrifice.

I received a few compliments/Atta Girl's in D11's confidence and social skills...VERY DIFFERENT than the girl she used to be. IN both cases, my sis was sitting right there and it felt good to say...to the world..."Yes, I'm really blessed. I feel that the sacrifices we made...with me staying home and working with her...have paid off...I was told early on, when D11 was diagnosed with Asperger's, that the key was to allow myself to be her safe place...as much as she needed in the beginning...to BE THERE as her anchor in whatever way she needed...AND, if I did this, that she would gain confidence increasingly, in the world...as long as I validated that she had me, she would become more and more able to explore this scary world alone...I'm seeing, now, that this was brilliant advice. It's working...AND, (I continued) I now feel like that commercial...'Heather, you are NOW FREE to roam the country--or, at least, get full-time job and enjoy life!!!'"

And, it was sincere. I felt/believed what I was saying. I knew I was talking to sceptics who couldn't understand my choices...but, I didn't allow that to influence my confidence in MY TRUTH.

It was nice and I see how God work his blessings into this. :-)

[LoisB]

Final Scene

I've changed.

I have boundaries. I don't invest EVERYTHING I AM into someone just because we had a nice day yesterday.

I had some nice moments with my sister yesterday. At one point, things were quiet, and I said to her, "You know...every single place I've considered moving to...I check to measure the distance from that point to where you live."

And, I gave her the mileage and plane fare from five or so cities in the United States.

I told my dad the same thing. "When the girl and I have looked at where we want to set down roots...we have examined different factors, including...is there fun stuff for Grandpa to do when they visit...is it accessible for everyone to come see us and vice versa."

It may have been a small olive branch...but, it was sincere...

Then, what was HUGE...maybe the BIGGEST CHANGE in ME...I had these moments with my dad and sister that were lovely. BUT, I didn't allow my boundaries down completely. I was able to enjoy the moments, but also remain aware that they have some major issues of their own--and I'm not opening myself up to any in-depth conversations about stuff right now. I was able to take what they are able to give and leave the rest.

My sister isn't as happy and settled as she wants the world to believe she is. Once I got back into my center...I could see that. She has some things she is avoiding and the way I've done things isn't WRONG...it's just different. I don't think she is able to "get" where I'm coming from right now. That's ok.

And, as for my dad...he is mellower than ever...but, I know it would take very little for him to turn a corner and show me his ugly side where he is cold and full of anxiety about my future.

I'm accepting them for who they are today and, cautiously, giving them small portions of my reality...so as not to open myself to their unhealthy critiques.

On a walk this morning with D11...I heard her reverse snobbery as we walked past the expensive homes...I know that comes from yeas of poverty...Something to work on as things get settled financially...

But, I was also given the insight..."I'm not scared of them anymore. That's what's changed. They don't scare me. I see them as equal human beings on this planet. I'm no better or worse...just someone with a different experience...AND, I trust God has my back.<<<<<<<<<<< That's it, right there...It's ok if my family doesn't have my back because I really believe God DOES...and, when, that faith waivers, I know how to reclaim it...

But, I'm still really pi$$ed at my mother. WTF! She needs to get the efff back in her own GD sandbox. I don't give a shid how scared she is.