First post - My WAH story

[Jacket]

Thanks Cali and Elsa! I really appreciate your insights.

The past week has not been going so great, however, I think I have a plan in place. I talked to my DB Coach this morning and had IC yesterday. I've been working hard on GAL and socializing more with friends and have loaded myself up with activities this weekend and have some of next week squared away too. Having stuff to look forward to definitely helps me maintain a PMA.

Like I think I said in my first post, the things that have been working for the past month in terms of bringing H and me closer together no longer seem to be working. My Coach and decided that I should go dark, so no more initiating social activities with H and even if he were to initiate I am going to decline. When I go to the house to get more of my stuff, I'm going to purposely go during a time when he's not home. H has been treating me sort of as a fallback when he doesn't have anything else going on, so it's time to make him really miss me. My question for everyone is how exactly to decline? Do I simply say I'm busy? I'm assuming I shouldn't just ignore his invitations? Of course, this is presuming he'll even initiate, something he hasn't been really doing in the past month at all.

[Jacket]

I only contacted H once this week, to ask him if I could drop by the house when he wasn't home, to collect some of my things. I need to go by another time to get another round of stuff, but I don't want to be contacting him again. It feels like I'm initiating too much then. However, I also don't want to just stop by without prior notice, as I feel that's a little disrespectful, even though technically the place still belongs to me too.

H hasn't initiated any contact, and so far there's no response to my lack of initiation to socialize. I know it's only been a week since I decided to do that, but I feel sorta meh that I haven't heard a peep from him. I also stopped checking in to places on Facebook (I used to do so 1-2 times a week, whenever I would go someplace fun or different). I wanted to do so numerous times this week, though I think it was really because I just wanted to show him that I'm getting out there and doing fine without him thankyouverymuch, but I realized that that's not a good reason to post on FB and I want him to wonder what I'm up to. Going dark is hard, especially when it's clear that detachment is still an area I need to work on. Sigh.

If (and this is a BIG if, based on his lack of response this week, but I want to be prepared for it in case it happens) he asks me to hang out and I decline, what do I say if he then asks what I'm doing instead? Do I answer honestly and completely, as I have been doing, since we agreed to always be honest with one another, even after our separation, or do I just answer vaguely? I don't know if being vague will bring me closer to my H or will push him away further, but I guess full disclosure hasn't been working really either, so it seems like vagueness is the answer.

Thoughts, anyone?

[Bob1967]

I know I'm coming late to the posts. It's tough when people tell you to "move on." I thought I would share this with you. A friend sent me this:

To all the well-meaning people who think they are doing me a favor by telling me to “move on” and “get a divorce” I say:

Unless you plan to make the same vows as my spouse--stop helping me destroy my marriage. I don’t care how much I try to bring you into my marital arguments—don’t do it.

The only time you're allowed to give input into my marriage is if it's positive.

Why don’t you recognize my immature, self-centered, childish behavior for what it is?

What do you hope to accomplish when you agree with me when I am telling you how much I look forward to destroying my relationship with my spouse? Do we think this makes you a good friend? A better family member?

Have you ever met anyone who needed help when it came to disliking someone?

You may think you are supportive but all I see a gleeful participant helping me trash the person who promised to live with me “until death do we part.”

Is it because my spouse is difficult to live with? Yeah I know. I’m perfect. I’m so perfect I’m trashing my spouse to you. You’re so perfect you are listening. Based on my behavior why do you think I “deserve better?”

Before you actively participate in the destruction of my marriage by telling me to “move on” because I “deserve better” ask yourself this:

Would you be married to this me—as is? When I say “as is” I mean exactly as I am right now. You can’t change a single thing about me. Not my looks. Not my laugh. Not my attitude. Nothing. Not a single thing.

Am I THAT wonderful?

Because this is the person my spouse is married to right now. My spouse sees me as I really am—warts and all. And still loves me—warts and all.

People are challenging. And they are more challenging when you live with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you don’t think you could live with me 100% exactly the way I am without changing a single thing then STOP right where you are. Why are you helping me destroy my marriage? What makes you think I am better off without my spouse--who loves me despite my warts?

Too often we think the people we love are in terrible relationships because we see their pain. We help them wallow in it.

Instead of allowing them to wallow we should remind them they are lucky to have found love. We should help them keep it.

So the next time you are tempted to tell someone to “move on” and “get a divorce” because they “deserve better” stop--remind them about how wonderful their spouse is and ask what you can do to help their marriage succeed. Become their marriage’s biggest advocate.

That’s what friends are really for.

[Jacket]

Thanks for this, Bob.

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket, sorry you are here but now you have a bunch of terrific new friends who really understand what is going on with you!

As far as what to do if your H asks you to do something and you have to decline, I can't say I am the expert on this but I have done it a few times during my DB adventure, including today.

First of all, it sounds like you are GAL. So you don't have to come up with a lie. If you really are busy, just say nicely "I can't, I'm busy". You don't have to say why and he probably won't ask. But if he does ask, you can say the truth but vague, such as:
"I'm having dinner with friends" (what friends? you can leave out the details)
"I have a meeting"
"I have an appointment"
"I have plans with friends"
etc
All very vague.

My H doesn't usually ask why I can't meet. When he asks to meet I usually just say "I can't do Tuesday. Maybe next week" or something like that, then wait for him to make the follow up move or give myself the option to do so in the future if I want to. If you read my (long) threads you might see that at first I used these vague replies when he would ask to meet, and then he became very curious, almost angry and aggressive saying "are you really THAT busy?" He was hurt that I didn't have time for him. And yes I was really busy, it was not fake. GAL baby!

Good luck with your situation and it sounds like you are doing well.

Hugs, Lisa

[BigMac]

I love the just move on answers. It is funny how those who easily divorce want the other people around them to bounce between marriages in the same fashion.

[CaliGuy]

Jacket .. .I have the same issue on the declining portion ... like you my WAW has me currently slated as Plan B ... when the A ( also known as plan A) is not going so well ... I made the mistake as using it as a chance to prove how amazing I am .. did not pan out so well the first time I had the chance.

So now ... I have become more busy .. like Lisa said when you do pull off the GAL you will not need an excuse or lie ... but .. even when you dont.. I will tell you what I did that seemed to turn things. She picked up our S .. and I was all dressed up ... she asked where I was going .. I told her I had made plans ... was the truth and all I told her. Between you and me I made plans to dress up and feel good about myself .. get some dinner and grab a redbox movie (Was going to ask a friend to watch but ended up coming home and doing it solo) ..... GAL for sure ... but while you are still getting used to things .. do the DB fake it till you make it ... it really helped me get there.

We are rooting for you .. you can do this!

[Jacket]

Thanks all. Yes, I have been actively working on GAL. I already have plans lined up for Thursday and am trying to find some friends to hang out with the other days this week. I had an awesome weekend - went out for dinner with my cousin on Friday (I just broke the news about BD to her this past week), went mini-golfing with my friend and her friends and then had dinner with them last night, and went shopping with my Mom and baked a pie (for the first time ever!) and had dinner with my friend and some of her friends tonight. I truly had a good time this weekend and felt less concerned about what H was doing. Am I finally learning to detach??

At dinner tonight, my friend said she ran into my H last night at salsa dancing. (He was there by himself FWIW.) She said she told him that she and I had dinner on Thursday night and she told him where we went. He asked what we discussed at dinner and she said, "You know...work stuff," which could not be further from the truth. (She and I work in the same profession, though, as we went to grad school together.) Funny that he wanted to know what we talked about. She said she'll probably see him regularly, as they seem to go to the same salsa dancing class. Hopefully she'll tell him how great I've been doing lately, even though I was trying to practice "going dark" this week. But it's probably good that he has some inkling of what I'm doing and knows that I'm not sitting around pining away for him, right? Not exactly sure about that.

My friend has invited me to come by next week when she has a house guest from Paris staying with her. (She rents out one of her rooms through AirBNB.) She wants me to come eat dinner with them next week since I speak some conversational French, though I am super rusty. Is it wrong to be sort of giddy to be meeting some random Parisian guy?? I have no interest in dating anyone right now other than my H, but I remember someone saying in one of their posts that it's nice to hang out with guys again and practice some fun, harmless flirting.

[LisaB]

Flirt it up, girl!

We do seem to have some similarities in our story!

A mutual friend ran into my H at a party a few weeks back and he asked her about me. She said he seemed nervous and really curious about what I had been up to and how I was doing. She didn't really tell him anything and felt it was very weird and inappropriate the way he asked her. I found it funny.

Hugs, Lisa

[Jacket]

I better brush up on my French! Aaaah!

I thought it was funny that H wanted to know what my friend and I talked about. That is seriously so nosy!