1st post. Long but please read, help!

[25yearsmlc]

Saw something I thought might resonate with you.

You know, food for thought and all that....


"Here’s to all the REAL MEN out there.

Boys play house, Men build homes.

Boys shack up, Men get married.

Boys make babies, Men raise children.

A boy won’t raise his own children, A man will raise someone else’s.

Boys invent excuses for failure, Men produce strategies for success.

Boys look for somebody to take care of them,

Men look for someone to take care of.

Boys seek popularity, Men demand respect - and - know how to give it.


((( )))

[RockJC]

Zues - You are to hard on yourself. Nobody is the perfect husband. Cut yourself some slack, stop looking back and start focusing on moving forward.

Offer yourself a little forgiveness.

[Zues126]

Thanks all. It all makes sense. And rock, yeah, I've been pretty hard on myself my whole life.

On Sunday my buddy told me 'you've lost weight, you look good'. I responded 'I still have another 10-20 pounds to go', then Immediately said 'man, thanks for the compliment. I'm sorry, i guess I'm bad at accepting praise'. So first I beat myself up, then I beat myself up for beating myself up.

This is probably my big failing in the M. I drive hard. I can tell you I've driven myself far, far harder than people that think they drive hard, and have done some exceptional things. But all of that drivin came from a feeling of insignificance, that if I wasn't a world champion hall of famer that it was just a joke. Problem is that I applied those standards to my W. which means I didn't appreciate what she brought, and instead of healing my feelings of insignificance I shared them with her.

More later, gotta run to work and drive hard

[Zues126]

OK, I'll finish my above rant and ask a question. It has to do with a conflict about GAL vs. 180.

I am a top level pool player. When I was 13 I got into the game, decided I wanted to be a champion, and trained harder than anyone I know has trained at anything for about 5-6 years. Talking 8-12 hours a day, 365 days a year. I pushed through pain, fatigue, etc. Probably a combination of a passion/intensity, personality disorder, and defense mechanism (escape to a world I can deal with away from emotions).

When I was 18 I was one of the best players in my state and had a good shot at making a career of it. But I saw what those guys gave up. No benefits, family, retirement, etc. They are all broke and when their eye sight fails they have nothing but glory stories. I decided to give it up and try to lead a normal life. I wanted a good M more than any of that.

During my M, however, I still played. I thought I made family/work a priority, however I know that I struggled because there were times I would practice up for a big competition, and I spent 1-2 weekends/month on the road playing tournaments, etc. When the M got tough I would invest the time we weren't spending together into pool

It is such a big part of my life I don't know what I'd do without it, it feels like it's part of my purpose to bring my gifts into the world. In fact, it's almost my spirituality as it takes a 'enlightened' state of mind to play well, but unlike meditation or prayer you get PHYSICAL FEEDBACK to tell you when you're on the right path.

Fast forward to today and here's the question. I don't want to play pool as a defense to avoid my feelings and am not doing that. But when it comes to GAL...my natural inclination is to train and compete. Problem is it's not a 180 by any stretch.

I know I wouldn't quit if I KNEW my STBX wouldn't take me back, so it doesn't make sense to give it up. I have other 180s I'm working on and am growing in a lot of ways.

Is there a way I can continue to play and use this to GAL without having it seem like more of the same? Any suggestions on how?

[MrBond]

Maybe I'm missing something here. Did you actually read the books?

A 180 means to change a behavior that your spouse didn't like or that was detrimental to your M. If your W didn't have a problem with you playing pool, what does it matter if you played or not? If you played and ignored your kids while doing so, then you need to take that into consideration.

[Zues126]

Thanks Bond. Yes, I've read the books. DR twice, working through DB again. Sometimes though I misinterpret or get off track.

As for pool, you're right on. There's room for it as long as it comes behind my parental priorities. I met with my IC today, talked a good bit on how I can better connect with my S10 who has a unique personality himself. Seeing the kids tomorrow and looking forward to it.

Guys, all I can say is that if the WAW can go a little crazy sometimes, so can the LBS. I am looking back over the last week and have been in despair, manipulative, detached, and now tonight very weak/needy again. My thoughts are all over the place and I both want to make it all better right now (which is impossible and would never work with me like I am) and move on so I can stop hurting/fast forward to my next R where I can make it all better again (which again wouldn't work if I give up, cut bait, medicate, and avoid the work/growth I need).

All this tells me is that I'm very unstable right now. If my emotions were a broken leg that needed to heal I'm not ready to put weight on it right now. That helps me keep the perspective I need to be patient. I'm two months in and going two more years is scary. Time to go for a walk, take deep breaths, let go of my thoughts, open my heart to what the universe needs me to hear, and be appreciative for the love all around me here and now.

This reminds me of something I learned once from pool. I was about to play a big tournament, bigger than I'd ever played before. I remember feeling very out of balance emotionally, not prepared at all for a focused performance. After a lot of soul searching I realized: Searching desperately for balance is about as far from balance as you can get...while accepting being out of balance is actually pretty close to being balanced after all. Somehow it clicked inside me and I went on to have my (at the time) biggest tournament win. Let's see if I can do that when the stakes are even higher

Thank you all!

[Zues126]

Help?

Just got an email from STBX. I don't know how to reply:


"...I can't get assistance till things go through and don't know what you expect me to do. Also our house payment just went to XXXX from I think XXXX due to taxes. I'm stuck as far as money goes and don't know what you expect me to do.
Thank you for the birthday gifts. The kids were so happy to give me something they didn't make. It meant a lot to them and I know the picture took some planning. Frankly I don't understand the reason for doing that now vs before. If you could help clarify that would be nice cause I just don't get it. I don't want any miscommunications so that's why I ask..."

[Zues126]

In regards to above email:
-I followed my DB's advice for the gifts. It was for my growth, my kids, and trying to keep goodwill between me and STBX. (We all know I hope for more but don't expect that...this looks grim)
-for money, I am currently staying in a friends basement. The idea was that she was going to get the D finalized in hopes of childcare assistance, go back to work, and get CS and alimony. Currently I am living on as close to nothing as possible until she can go back to work. I was looking at getting my own place soon (oct 1?) and my dad said he'd help me get through until the D is finalized to make sure we were all ok.

Talked to IC today. At some point I WILL need to talk about $, and though I'm not trying to make power plays the fact is if she asks me to leave I need to take care of myself and she needs to be able to do the same. I wasn't prepared for this just yet. Suggestions? I'll draft a version but could use ideas.

[Zues126]

SEE ABOVE TWO POSTS. THOUGHTS ON THE REPLY?


The gifts were for you and for the kids. I thought they would get a kick out of it. It’s also nice that we can get along and I thought they should see that as well.

Finances are a challenge. Housing payment, the window needing to be replaced, continuing to provide for the children and all that entails. I realize this will be a lot to take on even after the dust has settled, and all but impossible for you to do so completely independently prior to that point. On my end I also have upcoming financial demands such as my legal fees, more sustainable living space, etc.

There are no specific solutions or expectations in mind at this time because if at all possible these are decisions I feel should be reached collaboratively. My dad is still willing to play a role in this to some extent. He’d like to see what we can come up with on our end. If we find a proposal that shows we’re both doing everything we can on our own I know he is open to helping bridge the gap and avoid unnecessary struggles.

This is something I’d be willing to sit down and discuss. We wouldn’t necessarily have to commit to a solution right away. It might be a good idea to just listen to each other’s thoughts and concerns, discuss alternatives, reflect for a time, and only then reconvene and narrow down to a specific course of action.

I have put this conversation on hold because nothing needed to be changed immediately. I felt it was a good idea to have a couple of months of relatively smooth sailing under our belt to establish a foundation of mutual trust and good will prior to tackling further challenges. I know that even with the best intent this can be difficult to maintain through the process as concessions must inevitably be made on both sides in all areas, not just financially. I’ll reiterate that I’m very appreciative of how we’ve navigated through to this point. Our ability to succeed in this is a priority for me as this isn’t just a onetime transaction, but will be an ongoing partnership through our children’s lives.

[Zues126]

Ok- lets forget about writing and rewriting emails. I can do that. Lets just get to the core issue:

She's basically implying she can't get a job until the D is finalized because she is counting on government support to assist with the costs of day care. Originally she had talked about this being at the start of school but she had no clue the time lines on the D. Realistically it could be 6 months or more as she doesn't even have an attorney yet, she is on a waiting list for up to 2 more months to find out IF she gets an attorney appointed (since she has no income this is a government service).

Meanwhile I had originally told her I would continue to provide through the process to ensure the children were cared for. I am willing to make sacrifices to do this. But I'm not sure its the right thing for me to live in someone's basement for 6-9 months and assuming 100% responsibility for her financial needs.

I am concerned that she is taking advantage of my good nature, and also trying to force me to make the decisions so that she can blame any hardship on me. I don't see any effort on her part. And while I am prepared to be more than reasonable to be a good person and invest in our co-parenting R, I don't want to set the precedent that I will give her everything she wants, dismiss my own needs, and tip toe in fear of her reaction or with delusions of avoiding the D. Being 100% accountable and blamed as well as living in fear of her anger and criticism were both dynamics in our M that I want to break free of and 180 as well. Without being a bad person.

Any thoughts? Should I hire a L before discussing? What's the best stance in general, and what tone should be used?