I saw H briefly yesterday morning for a kid exchange, but otherwise I haven't seen or heard from him since I left his house on Tuesday night. I'm starting to realize how much I was mind-reading in the past and I'm really proud of myself for NOT doing so now.
Big money talk tomorrow over coffee. I admit, I'm nervous -- if H isn't reasonable, I will have to file for S because I need spousal support (and I will get it, according to my L). And honestly, if H isn't reasonable, I don't know that I will want to DB anymore because I will lose so much respect for him.
I'm thinking of doing a temp check before we start the money conversation, just to see if there's any way to avoid having to go nuclear. (H has repeatedly referred to filing for S as the "nuclear option" because he thinks it would irreparably damage our R.) Bad idea, right?
Good luck .... I too have anxiety when it comes to the money talk, WAW and I have been seperated for 9 months and I took a room out of a house basically roughing it all this time but if we D the money she is getting now is far more than anything I would be required to pay. Part of me has thought to cut her off a bit just to prove a point .. but I rethink that knowing it is not going to get me closer to R. Your case, he must know that life with out the M is going to be far different hence why he may be defensive about the entire sitch. My advice, lay it out clearly and calmly like its a buisness meeting and try as hard as it is to remove emotions, if you feel them coming on , clearly state you need to take a break and will need to reschedule further talks, this gives you both time to think about the issues that were brought up on the table and a chance to revisit it later with a clear head ... just my .02 Good Luck.
Thanks for the support, CaliGuy! We just had the conversation and it was remarkably pleasant. H is planning to pay most of our bills, which is why his idea of a fair number was much lower than mine. H also told me that he doesn't think it's his place to tell me to get a higher-paying job, which I appreciate (although he knows that I am looking anyway).
There was a little bit of R talk. H said that he feels like we are communicating better and I agreed. H said, "That's progress!" which was nice. H made a few "if we don't work out" mentions in passing, but I'm choosing to view that as an indication that he is still hopeful that we have a future as a couple.
We made plans for a date tomorrow night and on Wednesday, with another money talk on Tuesday afternoon. Baby steps!
All of the dates we've had since we separated have been initiated by me. We had a conversation early on where he said that it was okay for me to initiate these requests so long as it was okay for him to decline them. He has declined twice, but accepted all of my other invitations. It works out that we've had a date about once a week since we separated.
On Thursday, when I called him to set up the money talk we had on Friday, I asked if we could get together over the weekend. He said that Friday night wouldn't work, but that we might be able to do something on Saturday. I said something like, "Can we go ahead and set up a time? I feel like when we make plans, they are vague, and then we have to call each other and have another conversation about the details." He said, "That's because you're asking to see me more than I'm comfortable with, so I'd like some time to think about it first." I apologized and said that he could get back to me later. He thanked me and said it was okay. When we met the next day (yesterday), he accepted my invitation for Saturday and we made plans for two additional get-togethers on Tuesday and Wednesday. I noticed that he took the initiative to make concrete plans (times, locations) for all three meetings. He even made a reference to not "stringing me along" anymore regarding our plans.
My question is -- should I continue to ask him out on dates? My concern is that these dates may end up draining his emotional tank even further if he's only doing them for my sake. On the flipside, I worry that he won't take the initiative and that I will run out of patience and end up doing something even more damaging in the long run (e.g., getting angry at him) if I feel neglected.
Well, H may have answered my question for me. (If you're lurking here, dear, just let me know!) As we parted ways tonight, he said, "That was great - we didn't have any conflict. This was a good idea." Typical goodbye -- he initiated a hug, a kiss on the lips, and an ILY. He also changed the time of our meeting on Tuesday so that we'll have more time to talk.
I'm stepping back until we see each other again on Tuesday.
Argh. I had a setback last night and called H to let him know that I was reaching the limits of my patience and asked if we could talk about it tomorrow. (We're supposed to have coffee anyway.) He said yes. I asked if he was mad and he said yes, because he feels like we are having these sorts of conversations every few days and it is wearing on him. (I don't agree with that, but I acknowledge that's his perspective.) I apologized and said that I didn't want to make him anxious, but I wanted to reach out and let him know how I was feeling before I got to the point where I was really angry and it might adversely affect our relationship. He told me to go ahead and do whatever I wanted to do and he would respond accordingly. We talked for a few more minutes and agreed to follow up this afternoon and to "keep an open mind," but he was clearly not happy. I'm so nervous that I've blown it!
Of course, I happened to pass him in traffic this morning on the way to work. As I drove by, I waved and smiled and he did the same. So, maybe it won't be as bad as I'm anticipating?
Ok .. .sorry I just got caught up on your thread. Stop pursuing, you really need to let him pursue you, detach GAL 180 ... you have heard this right>?? You at him for dates and time, is you pursuing him and he is just accepting and declining as he sees fit, you are going to have to let him start thinking about you on his own .... make him start wondering and double guessing his actions.
I see so many positives, I dont think you blew it ... you have had good exchanges ... but he has given you a gift of telling you that you getting times and dates set is turning him off and pushing him further .. listen to him and do not pursue!!! Patience patience patience ( I struggle here too so much .. but you must do this!!)
Hi Elsa! I agree with CaliGuy, you are having a lot of positives but if you can take just a small step back that will probably help your situation. Maybe next week just practice not making the plans. (180) Let him make the plans. Tell yourself maybe you won't see him for a few weeks but that is ok.
It sounds like he wants to spend time with you, but that you are making it so that he can't "want" to spend time with you. Does that make sense? I struggle so much with this type of thing too.
Lucky you, a kiss on the lips and ILY. So many people on these boards would be very happy with that!
Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Thank you both for your advice! I think you're right. I need to pull back a little bit. It's going to feel like such a huge setback if I don't see him for a week or more, though! I need to get over that, I think.
And Lisa, you're right -- I am lucky for that, and for everything else that he's doing. I try to remind myself of that daily so that I don't try to push for more. He really is trying, in his own way.
And the good news is -- I haven't blown it (yet). We had coffee today and talked for over an hour. There were some tense moments, but overall I think it was productive. H said that he is enjoying the time we spend together when we don't have any conflict, but he would like us to spend less time talking about the R. (Done!) H said that he had been thinking and he would like to try the new MC I found -- partly because he feels like the "PTSD" of what happened with our old MC would keep me from being comfortable there (he BD'ed in a counseling session) and partly because he thinks we need to try a different approach. He was guarded and careful not to make any promises, but said that he is still worried that we won't make it and that it would upset him if we don't. I'm feeling good that he's willing to open up to me, if nothing else.
But yes, I will take your advice and pull back now!
