I sure did want to yesterday! Funny you should say that.... I woke up this morning asking myself exactly the same thing. What did I agree to?? I've been wanting to spend time with him and go out for dinner, hang out, etc. for months and months. I miss him.
But...
He isn't him. I have to keep reminding myself that. In theory, an evening with my husband is a great step forward.
In reality? It's not a step at all.
It's only keeping him away from ow for a short time.
It's having the tiny opportunity to let him look at me, hopefully thinking I look really good.
It's the opportunity to show him that the changes I have made are still there. That I can listen, validate, not judge, and smile.
I am readying myself to not see him for a long, long time, because I know I need to let him go out on this journey without me in his way, and figure this out on his own. Or not.
Since S 4/26, there has only been a little more than a week with him pretty interested in what I'm doing, and noticing my changes.
It's not real. Not a R. It's pretty selfish on my part, actually, so I can get to a place where I don't agree to see him, and I remember why.
So yeah, I'm not very excited today like I thought I would be. My expectations are zero. In fact, I would neither be surprised nor disappointed if he cancels.
I kind of worry about him cake eating here. I think I'm one of the few that acknowledge stuff had been going on with OW to my H, even when he denied it, but that none of that could be going on otherwise I was filing for D/kicking him out. You have the ability to turn a blind eye and trust him on his word, but if he is caught, you can't do that anymore.
There was a major conversation that I had with my H which covers a lot of that boundary setting stuff. Below I'll layout some of the lines I used during that conversation.
Wait for your moment. Wait for him to initiate the conversation and the topic, and then you can respond. My advice is:
1 - Be honest. If you want him to be honest with you, be honest with him. Don't circle, play games, beat around the bush.
2 - Keep things short, simple, and to the point.
3 - Be confident. You are going to be fine no matter what. You are happy and will be happy no matter what. You don't need him or anyone. You will not bend on what you want or expect from a relationship. You're not a doormat.
For example, on him asking about dating, you could say, no I'm not dating and I would not date unless I was no longer married. I respect our marriage vows, our children, and you too much to do that. Besides I am not interested in the type of men who would be willing to date a married woman. My standards are too high to date someone like that.
On spending time with him, I would keep it friendly. You could even say that you're worried about things moving in a direction you're going to get hurt, because being close to him, kissing him, means something to you. So instead of circling on the already have plans, and hinting but not being straight, you can just say that you have plans to go out with friends, nothing special. Tell him that you feel it's important to be honest and that you're not hiding anything from him. When he says that it's none of his business, say that you are married to him and it is his business. That you are both adults and it's silly to feel like you need to hide things from each other. That it's important to you that you can be honest with him and that he can be honest with you, without judgement.
FWIW, my H has said, even recently he mentioned it, that what I did during our S is none of his business. He feels like he broke the marriage and that he is accountable for everything he did, even when S, even though he did not feel married. I've told him everything, even though he has said he doesn't want to know. I do not feel the same way, that I was okay to do anything I wanted. I feel like had I done anything, it pretty much nullifies his wrong, even though the marriage was broken at the time. I didn't want or chose that.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hi Shining, I laughed and laughed at what your h was texting. Let's see, you were m to him and he knows you probably better than anyone. Does he really think that saying you are going out with a "group" having dinner and then hanging at someone's home means what? Dinner and an orgy? Unless that was something that you guys did while you were M (I don't think so, don't worry!) why in God's name would you suddenly become the type of person who goes out in groups and him think it was a "..sex thing..?!? You must have said 10 times that you weren't even dating, let alone out having sex! How crazy can they really get? Do they really believe that every social interaction is either to find a "date" or get laid? Maybe it's the going back to teenager in their mind! I wonder if he thinks you were planning on playing "Spin the Bottle" and "7 Min.'s in Heaven" LOL!
I commend you on your ability to NOT say all the things that he left himself open to! Too bad that the funniness is overshadowed by all the pain they are causing.
Listen to Raine. She is one of the smartest cookies here!
Who doesn't do dinner and an orgy? Isn't that everyone's normal Thursday night?
That was freaking funny, Matt.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Your post could not have come at a better time. Thank you. Your words and advice are exactly what I needed today. I will not initiate a R conversation. But I do need to stop the cake eating. I didn't know how to do it without starting the conversation, or without talking about ow. And I didn't want to dance around the truth. You are right. H needs to know this can't go on without boundaries.
I've been anxiety ridden all day, wondering what to do about this evening. I am not in a good mental place to DB. I can, and will get there before I see him. It will be a short night, at least. There are showings for the house tonight, so we will just go to dinner.
I don't show negative emotion to H, and haven't for almost 3 months. I've also noticed I don't allow myself to get very upset at all, at least outwardly, anywhere like home, work, or even driving!
However, today, I've been feeling so much anger. I'm angry when I think of H choices, how he threw us away, he broke our marriage, how this all affects my kids, I'm angry we have no house and no boat anymore, as these were things we dreamed of for our family time together and worked to achieve and enjoy. Now evaporated. I'm angry that I'm dealing with everything PLUS the stress of job hunting is making me quite frustrated. The lies. The arrogance. The lack of emotion in his eyes is hard to look at. All of it.
I wonder if all the things he is doing, that I protect myself from knowing in detail, will come to light. And I wonder if I could handle it.
Do I really want this for the rest of my life? Could I live with the facts of everything H has done and continues to do, whatever that is? Will I be a nervous wreck suffering from PTSD everywhere we go, and everything he does or says that may reference this painful time or remind me he had ow and how he destroyed everything good? I see things and places and people and I think, "hey, we used to be that way". "We used to go there". "We used to have that". And then I remember why we don't anymore. And I'm angry. Jerk.
Today is a challenge to remember how to forgive.
More GAL for me. I need it.
....and detach. More detaching. I think I've shown H enough of what he's missing. Now I need to back off, and give him the opportunity to either do so, or not.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Matt, yes EXACTLY!!! It was all I could do to NOT say, "Just because your ugly immature sorry a$$ is out there whoring it up, doesn't mean that's the way the world works in real life!!!! But since you live in a lalaland fake fantasy of pathetic bottom-feeders and don't seem to need a real life, I'm getting one of my own!!!!!
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Wow what a convo for you! I felt like it was my sitch. I agree with the others though, no more circling ( but do as I say not as I do...lol). Actually I have gotten better about those types of conversations. H tries to bait me, even today...but I just responded once and let the rest go.
H knows you want to be with him, you told him. And I get the "I'm with him and OW isn't." I'm doing the same thing. It's hard.
I agree with Raine. My life coach has a saying that we should always be "H.O.T." with our spouses: Honest, Open and Transparent. Again, I'm struggling just as bad if not worse, but the advice I'm reading and hearing is good.
Good luck with your date tonight. I hope real H shows for it!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Shining, okay lady, I know where you are at. Things are moving, but you feel like you have no game plan. You feel like there needs to be some kind of talk. You want to make sure that you don't get locked into some new relationship without dealing with and closing the past, where you have to accept what has happened, what may be happening, what could possibly happen later. You don't want to go through life feeling fake, like none of this stuff ever happened. You feel suffocated at the thought of ignoring and pretending...right? That was my fear. That I would be beyond the point where my needs mattered. It would be too late.
Let me tell you, it will never be too late. It is just going to take longer than you think it will. I promise you, it will be worth the wait.
So you need to do some work here. And this is for you. He doesn't get to be a part of this work and maybe he never will be either. You need to figure out exactly what you want and what you need in your life, in a relationship, everything. You need to know what is flexible and what is not. Knowing these things gives you power, because then when you're presented with options, you already know which door to choose. You're not laying up at night playing through scenarios in your head of what you're going to do if this happens or that happens.
In writing that post I was taking the power. I was not going to have that talk or make demands of my H, but I had the control and knew that at some point in the future when he was ready and I was ready, I could have that conversation.
Now something else that is interesting....I never had to have that conversation. I never had to put my game plan into action. It all happened without it. That's not the point. The game plan is what gave me the peace to just go with the flow and let go. It allowed me to get rid of the anxiety that was holding me in place, making me think that I couldn't move one step further until certain things were taken care of first. The game plan allowed me to keep moving forward.
Now here's the hard part for us women. You don't need to talk about it. Let him lead and initiate the R talks. Don't worry about that you have lost your moment. Those moments will come at the time they should. You never have to force them. You don't need to press and make things happen. Just be patient. Remember that you can always take action tomorrow, in a week, in a year, but you can never undo the action already taken. There is your power. You hold the key to when and on what terms. The moment you use that key, it is gone.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Thank you. I am definitely getting sucked in where I don't want to be. You are so smart. Yes. Yes . Yes. To all. You get me. And I needed to read that. Now I need to do it.
What do I want? Sounds easy enough. Unless you've never thought about it or never thought it mattered anyway. This is my biggest challenge so far....by far. And more to come. Yay.
The words "it will be worth the wait" are the fuel I needed, too. And I noticed you didn't write it's worth the wait as if we will be together, either. It means whatever I do will be worth it, better all around. I know this in my head.
This is so much more than I think I can take sometimes.
