[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te,
it sounds like you handled this first meeting well! And it also sounds like your H is saying a lot of the same types of things as mine.

I don't really get how they are sad but still sure this is what they want.

I'll be interested to hear what the vets have to say to you. I could use some advice of this kind myself.

How do you feel? Did you feel happy to see him, sad? Did it make you upset? I know after the first meeting with my H as soon as I left I became extremely nauseous.

I hope you are doing well and feeling strong!
Hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa. Yeah…I think I called it when I read the letter your H wrote to you (at that time I said I figured I'd hear something similar in the future).

I think I did ok…held it together at least. I just wish there were more opportunities to show my genuine interest in his perspective on things. But then this has always been an issue in our M. His best mate (childhood friend) told me - when he learned we were going to MC - that "it's hard for guys to open up about their feelings, and I think it is harder for your H than most….so you have your work cut out for you."

I did feel happy to see him….but I'm sad by the circumstances if that makes sense. Nausea hasn't set in yet but I did experience that early one so I know exactly what you mean.

I'm in a weird space right now. I don't feel particularly emotional about the situation…but still quite sure that I want our M to work out (=detachment?) I don't feel that swayed by his position, even as he reinforced it tonight (maybe I did a little in the moment, but I don't 2 hours later). I feel ok just doing my own thing…and remaining open to welcoming him back into my life if he choses to work on things with me. Maybe sometime in the future someone else will come along and change that path for me, but for now I'm steering the spaceship on the same course.

[gan]

I bet I sleep easier than him tonight!

[Elsa]

It sounds like you handled the conversation really well! I don't think it was a mistake to tell him that your preference would be to work on the R. You haven't talked to him two months. If he thinks you've closed the door completely, then he may decide it's not worth trying to open it again.

[gan]

Thanks, Elsa. Yes, on thinking it through I tend to think that it was good to let him know that the path back home would be an "easy" one if he chose it. I don't regret it this morning (which is always a good litmus test).

I'm do feel a bit more sad this morning. I just don't know what to do to get us into different territory. It seems like I need to try something different - NC for 2 months seems to have done naught to his perspective on things. I suppose I need to wait and see if this meet up changes the course of events in any way…but I'm doubtful.

I'd really love it if folks could weigh in. Going dark seems moot when he's also gone dark and not asking about me. We just don't have reason to be in contact unless we want it (no kids, etc). I want it…but I have not been initiating so to give him the space that he asked for and not to pursue. What else can I try?

[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te,
Yeah I recall you saying that you felt connected to my story about my H's letter. It reminds me of a few months back, a friend of mine was suddenly dumped by her long term boyfriend. For some reason it really rattled me, of course I felt badly for her but it bothered me more than I would have expected. Now looking back I see that I must have felt some disturbance in my relationship and that was why her breakup scared me. I guess sometimes we just sense how things are going... I don't know.

I don't know if you have seen my rambling thread lately but I also have been questioning the benefit of dark/NC at this time. It doesn't seem to be exactly working the way I want it to. I decided that this week I will "try something different" and be more friendly. Maybe it is a dumb decision but I'm going to try it and see how it goes. I still won't be pursuing but I will make myself a bit more available to chat and be friendly when he contacts me. Maybe that will just make me more "boring" and friend-zone, we'll see!

I'm not sure how you can change it up if you don't want to be the one contacting him. Maybe someone else has good advice? It really depends on his personality. Did he usually initiate or did you always have to be the one reaching out? Someone mentioned the 5 LL. Do you know his? That might help? My H's is Quality Time I think, so going dark means I take that away from him which makes him sad and lonely, but perhaps fulfilling this need could also benefit us by bringing us closer.

What about asking for his help with something he is good at? That could also be another way to reach out without being super emotionally needy. You could try it without expectations and see how it goes. I was thinking of doing that as well, I actually mentioned something as an aside today and my H jumped at the chance to offer help. But I think there has to be no pressure, it has to be completely ok if he says no. And it should be something physical and not emotional support or help, in my opinion.

The other thing that has worked for me in the past is to casually suggest a shared activity that you both really like. Like let's say you are both into hiking, you could casually say "oh hey I am going hiking on this great trail, want to come?" again without pressure. Maybe he wouldn't join but maybe it would open up the possibility for next time. Just an idea, maybe all these are too pursuing.

While I don't envy the complicated situations of those with kids, it does make contact between the couple continue, which can give a chance to work DB.

I don't know if any of this babbling helps you at all. I'm wishing you the best and hope you can stay strong. It sounds like you are doing really well!

Hugs, Lisa B

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa. Yes I picked up that you were questioning things (whether you want the R even). I'll be curious to hear how things go with your new approach.

My biggest difficulty is that I rarely get the opportunity to BE light and friendly around him. There's been close to zilch interaction (not even texts). The few conversations we've had since he left, he's ended up steering the conversation towards R talk or rather practical issues related to R (closing accounts etc). I'm being friendly enough but it's just all too serious and practical. Funnily enough, this was one of his complaints about our M - and here he is making it this way.

So I think you are right, I may need to find a way to reach out in some small ways. Maybe around an activity rather than a conversation. I don't think we're ready for some sort of social outing but maybe there is a way to ask him for help around the house or something.

Anyone out there tried anything like this?

[gan]

Well the communication over practical matters continues. H just sent a text about needing my details to complete his tax return. On the plus side - he initiated contact again. Question is - why is the person who always leaves it to last minute doing it 2.5 months early? In the past this was a source of frustration to me. Is there some way to do a 180 and validate him here?

[gan]

Hard to keep this thread anywhere near top when I've got so little to post! For me, NC by me equates to NC with H. No texts, no calls. I'm guessing others are in my boat but those threads disappear as well.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week. Meeting with H last week put me into a negative spiral. In the absence of any contact from him, I think I'd allowed myself to dream that he had broken his silence to announce he wanted back in. Alas when that was not to be, things came a crashing. Barely made it out of bed on Sunday - but it was cold and rainy out so not entirely enticing either. On the plus side I caught up on Train's story and started reading Passionate Marriage which looks like it will offer some new perspectives on the whole "we're not independent enough" side of things.

But as roller coasters go - I decided on the Sunday night to respond to his text about my tax details with a phone call rather than a reply text (testing things out a bit, apropos by posts above). It went through to vm but he called back the next morning. I was driving so let it go through to my vm. He lefts a message saying something to the effect of "Fine to just send the details through by text. I just said we were married on the tax return because we're not legally separated." I had a query about what he needed and by when so texted back that I would call in 20 mins if that was ok. He agreed and so I called him back. Conversation was cordial. He elaborated on the marriage comment (to the effect of) "we're not legally separated and he couldn't be bothered looking into the rules." So that was a positive discovery - he didn't go through with the legal separation following the suggestion of the MC in our last session. I asked about his brother's baby (situation is improving thank goodness) then we ended it and he signed off with "Bye, hon". Now I am sure that was just a slip of the tongue, but frankly, given the way I felt the last week I'll take it! If nothing else it means he's feeling a bit more relaxed when we talk which is good.

So…after a bad week I'm now feeling a bit more chipper, especially after returning from tonight's GAL activity. I'll sit tight for a bit but it seems that reaching out ain't a bad thing in my case. The question is…is it a good thing?

[gan]

Wow. Who knew that the human body was capable of such crazy shifts in perspective?!

I was just sitting here getting angry at my H for walking out on the M, thinking I'm almost done. But then moments later there was reference to the Sinead O'Conner song "Nothing Compares to You" on the TV and those lyrics put be over…I'm no where near done.