I actually did ask him about it a couple of weeks ago and purposely did not bring in OW as you mentioned. I will ask him again, he just seems more distant these days and less open to chit chat. But maybe I just have to try again.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just make sure you don't say something like "You seem to be really busy at work these days, since you haven't been answering my texts right away. How are things going with the new job?" That will only come across as "fishing" (about OW) and insecurity . . . blcccch, UNATTRACTIVE.
Instead just a simple "So how's the new job going for you? Is it what you thought it would be?" or something similar.
He finally replied to my text about a party for D4 I had to RSVP to and I said:
Me: hope ur having a good day H: It is ok. Made some changes that broke things. Have to leave to get the kids now. Me: Oh no. I'm sorry. I could have picked the kids up if you were in a real bind. H: I will work when I get home. Ty though. Me: Np, good luck!
So apparently he is having a work issue. I am totally going to give him space, although I wish there were some way I could support him more right now. He's probably majorly stressed because there's a ton of new stuff he's trying to figure out in his new role.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just TALK TO HIM, mdu. It's only "pursuing" if it's relationship stuff. Talking to him about his job is a winning issue for you I think, as it plays into his male ego, you get to show you can do it WITHOUT bringing up (or hinting at) OW, and you get to show off your listening skills.
I am texting him a bit about the work issue. I don't want to disturb him too much if he's stressed and trying to focus on getting something fixed right now. But I'll try to find a good time to make some conversation, particularly about work.
It's interesting to hear you say it's only pursuing if it's relationship stuff. I didn't realize that, actually.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
It's interesting to hear you say it's only pursuing if it's relationship stuff. I didn't realize that, actually.
For the most part. If, however, he perceives that you are USING another topic (like his work, or the kids, or some other "go-to" move) as a way to pull him back into talking more with you, then it COULD be perceived by him as pursuit. But if you are legitimately interested in how his job is going, and especially if you ask him about it NOT at the end of some panicky "dry spell" in which you haven't heard from him in awhile, or when he's not responding to your texts or something . . . you just do it maybe right after you already WERE talking or texting or emailing about something else . . . then I think that would be good.
Yes, yes, good, good stuff. Thanks so much Starsky!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just reflecting on how important it is to be reminded of how damaging my "going off" on H is. In some ways it's honestly a blind spot for me, particularly in this situation because I feel entirely JUSTIFIED in going off on H because of the A.
We all may feel perfectly justified in chopping off the heads of our spouses with a sharp axe for their stupid affairs. Does that make it ok? No.
Remember this:
-Do you want to be right? or -Do you want to be happy?
For me, I have had to check my pride at the doorstep. When it comes to saving your M, you MUST keep your pride checked big time. Otherwise your resentments will rear its ugly head and your "Old Faithful" blows right out of your mouth.
It isn't any wonder that H wants to stay the f*ck away from your mouth. Remember the honey vs. vinegar parable??
Starsky, Bond, and others have given you some good advice.
Light, breezy, and confident. C'mon...pull her up from the dark space out into the sunshine.
I'm still following along and stealing the advice you're getting.
I don't know why I wasn't able to conceptualize that "talking to him about work" wasn't pursuit.
Seems like a no-brainer, but DOH!!!
H likes to tell me about work; it's a way he can connect with me about something he's comfortable talking about.
I specifically DO NOT fish, nor ask questions; stopped all that long ago.
If I ask, it's because I'm interested, and it also allows me to do a 180 by listening and offering support.
So--thanks guys!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Would it be totally inappropriate to pursue H for sex? Often I want to text him for a booty call
While we were on the reconciliation road we had it going really good for a bit. Now it's totally stopped and I miss it. I want it back! How do I make this happen?
Or should I just assume he is currently turned off since he's obviously not pursuing it or really any time alone with me for that matter?
Would it appear just too desperate? It's really not a tactic, I would like to have sex with my H because I miss it and am still attracted to him.
Thoughts?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
