Hi, I am newly separated as of 8/1. H walked in on Friday afternoon, said he couldn't do "this"...."us"....anymore. Just before our 25 year wedding anniversary and my 50th bday at end of month.
I am devastated. He had attempted to do this back in October but moved back in by that same Sunday. This time he just said that he is tired of hurting me, seeing the hurt in my eyes. I said "you are my partner in life" and he said that he hasn't been much of a partner, much less a friend. He said that he wasn't sure why, but he just stopped trying. I don't know if there is any hope, or if at this point it is useless. Very little sex since last November (maybe 3 times). Sounds awful, but he has just not had any interest.
I think he really has been thinking/planning this for awhile. I had been trying to plan a little trip for our anniversary, but he would never give me an answer, only that he'll know his schedule better in a couple of weeks. And if I brought up a trip around friends, he would change the subject. What an idiot I am. Don't know where he is living, he said someplace temporary. He has assured me that financially, he will (and has) continued to support. House payment and he transferred funds to me today for bills. I don't really see him not coming through on that. UGH this is horrible.
He said no OW involved, but I know at the very least there was an EA but most likely PA. He always denied. I feel so alone. S23 still lives in home but works long hours and D20 lives about 7 hrs away. I went to see her the day after and spent the week with her. This is my first day home alone (I work remotely from home).
Oh gosh how do people get thru this? I have an appt to see a therapist and my doctor to get some meds. Hope they help. Doing the usual trying to keep active and taking care of myself nutritionally. Any tips?
He has texted numerous times that he misses me. I believe that he is experiencing a huge sense of loss too. I think we just grew apart. We spoke today. Only 2nd time since 8/1. So sad. It is not like we ever fight, we don't, which is what makes this so hard. Thanks for listening.....
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
I'm sorry, but this is what I -- and others -- have been warning you about for 3 1/2 years.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309, April 2011
Abbey,
I'm sorry you are in such pain, but I'm not really sure how we can best help you. You know exactly what's going on -- your husband is playing you -- and yet you continue in the same endless loop of deceit and frustration and disrespect.
We like to think that we are complicated beings, but us humans really ARE path-of-least-resistance creatures. Your husband is doing what he is doing because he is weak, it feels good to him, and BECAUSE HE CAN. Until you muster up the will and the skill to remove yourself as his backup plan, you're destined for months and even years of this same heartbreak and deceit.
Is this really what you want?
Starsky
You chose to stick your head in the sand, others offered the usual (((hugs))) and even advised you -- alarmingly -- "what you don't know won't hurt you." (And yes, that's an exact quote)
It is precisely this kind of pain and LOST PRECIOUS TIME that I try to warm people about the horrible damage of affairs.
I hope you at least have clarity now, and can summon your inner "Mamabear" and do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your family.
Starsky, true...true...all true... Now just trying to focus on me. Have all sorts of appts. lined up. H told our D21 today that neither of us is in any hurry to change anything for the time being (house/finance wise). I would have to agree with that.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Abbey, I'm in SoCal, too. I'm sorry you're facing all this. I know nothing of your sitch but it seems Starsky remembers you.
I'm always confused by men who want things to change but aren't willing to do any change themselves. Well, that's part of my sitch, anyway and it seems your husband might be similar.
Abbey...hang in there. 25 years is a long time and the roots are deeper than he realizes. I can't promise that it will all work out and be ok again. But this isn't a car crash where in a split second you'll never have another chance to talk to him again. This will take time. And while that sounds terrible when you want nothing more than to make it all right again right this instant...it's a great thing because it gives you both time to process, grow, reflect, and experiment.
My belief is that separation can seem like a good idea in our minds because we can't logically weigh out how our emotions will react. It's easy to assign to much meaning to a recurring irritation, longing, feeling of neglect, etc. What's not as easy to see is that 1) that feeling may come from inside of you and not the M and you won't learn that until you leave, and 2) you may discount that 90% of your good feelings about purpose and identity and content come from a partnership you took for granted.
So trust in the roots, grow, read and post often, and open your self up to change. And when things get really tough post here and read stories. I'm a stranger but I am here for you and we are all going to make it through!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Abbey, I'm in SoCal, too. I'm sorry you're facing all this. I know nothing of your sitch but it seems Starsky remembers you.
I'm always confused by men who want things to change but aren't willing to do any change themselves. Well, that's part of my sitch, anyway and it seems your husband might be similar.
How are your kids taking all this?
Hi, my daughter was a great support for me that first week. I traveled up north to see her, she spent our 25th anniversary with me and my son spent it with H. Kids were not so shocked since he already attempted to leave in October. They are doing better than us for sure.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
25 years is a long time and the roots are deeper than he realizes.
Thank you Zues126 hope you are well! It is a long time, I literally met him my first day in town when I moved from NorCal 27 years ago. Friends that I have confided in commented to me that they had noticed that H has seemed a bit more negative, reflective, unhappy for a few years even with them. My D21 said that even when H has been up working in Norcal and she would meet him for dinner, he just seemed blah. No life. Worried for him but trying to take care of me. Hope you are having a good day!
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
H told our D21 today that neither of us is in any hurry to change anything for the time being (house/finance wise). I would have to agree with that.
Abbey, what does your attorney say about this? Have you TALKED to a family law attorney about all of this?
You need to finally start protecting yourself here.
Starsky
I agree. I don't know why I am absolutely terrified to talk to an attorney. I know it is just a consultation and I'm sure H has probably done that already. One of my best friends just went through this so I'm planning to get the name of her attorney and set up an appointment this next week. I guess talking to an attorney has always seemed so FINAL. I know that is just my own stupid fear. But knowledge is power so am definitely planning to do this in the next couple of weeks. Today my first counseling appt. I don't know what to expect, but I'm grasping at straws for anything to help me feel better right now. Hope you are well. I have appreciated your advice over the years. Time to start moving forward.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Well I'm sorry if you ever felt "beat up," Abbey, but I swear to God I was only trying to help you. Your passivity has only cost you, in so many ways, and I just want to see you begin to make braver choices and move forward with your life.
Talking to an atty is a very empowering experience, almost everyone says. You are WAY past the time when you should have acquired this knowledge.
