Is DB Worth It? Part 5

[claire7]

Thank you for the compassionate feedback. I'm talking to a coach on Saturday, and then I'll be out of town for almost a whole week after that. So, a cooling off period sounds like the right call.

Maybe just maybe I planted a tiny seed. As 25yrs has so wisely told me, I need to be patient and have consistent change.

I will be ok without him (heck, I HAVE been ok without him for almost a year!), I will eventually feel ready to meet someone new, and I WILL meet someone new (and I will finally go into dating feeling like I AM A CATCH, not that I hope I'm lucky enough that someone will like me.

I would NOT want him as he currently is or was. He would have to be willing to do a lot of work on his own and with me for reconciliation to even be a possibility.

I am deeply bruised, but not broken. Thanks for sticking with me.

[claire7]

Re-reading this thread as I avoid sleep (another story), and realized that I take a lot without articulating clearly enough how grateful I am to those who have taken time of their busy lives to read my story and offer me such helpful advice and support.

This forum has been a tremendous lifeline to me and I feel so lucky to have found it.

Thank you all very much.

[LisaB]

Hi Claire,
I just wanted to chime in and say I admire how you handled that meeting, sounds like you did really well validating and keeping your cool. And I completely get where you are coming from! My WAH has the same statement, basically that there is nothing really wrong with our relationship EXCEPT that he doesn't love me like that...

What can you do? Nothing you say will make him realize he could love you again and that you could work together on fixing the problems that exist. He has to realize that he wants to on his own. Will he ever? What can you do to make it happen? I wish I knew! That is my problem exactly!

And I agree with the others that you should wait on sending the email.

We all have your back.

Hugs, Lisa B

[gan]

Hi Claire,

I was struck by the question you posed earlier in your thread re success rates with WAH vs WAW. There are a few of us ladies around at the moment that seem to have such similar stories and I too have wondered if we have lower odds.

As for your letter: I think your letter it is very clear and articulate (very direct) and I can certainly relate to the points you are making as the LBS. The question is - how will he react? My sense is that it may seem too critical and cause him to be defensive or withdraw more. Caveat being - I've not followed all parts of your story.

Funny - my IC suggested I draft a similar letter just today (though we're not sure if I will ever send it). I've been thinking about the approach I will take and I think I will try to write about the things I plan to bring to the next relationship and weave in the evidence/research from my reading and therapy sessions as I go. That way I can get the points across but not seem to be accusing him of anything. Actually I am looking forward to writing it as a way of just pulling everything together.

[claire7]

I had a funny epiphany today: a while back, our D3 received a bike that had to be put together. For some reason we couldn't get it to assemble correctly. It sat in the corner of our small bedroom for a long time. My H kept asking me to fix it. I kept forget to do it. He resented that so much (it was near his side of the bed and he kept tripping on it). I resented the fact that he wouldn't take a role in helping me fix it. He kept saying, if you are not going to fix it let's just throw it away.

We had a lot of conflict over that stupid bike. And then, after a big argument, we did throw it away.

It feels like a silly but powerful metaphor about our M to me. Surely it was fixable but for all kinds of reasons we couldn't work together to fix it. He was adamant that the only solution was to get rid of it without putting in any effort himself to try to fix it.

I'm not sure what made me think of that this morning. But it was definitely one of those moments where I felt like we weren't on the same team.

[Maybell]

Somewhere I read that people often experience a moment like that, that stands in for their life as it has existed to that point. And then, when you do, your path becomes really clear.

I wish you had a different epiphany.

[claire7]

Thanks, Maybell. I've realized that what I'm so heartbroken over is not necessarily the loss of HIM-- I mean, I don't believe in soul mates or anything, and I don't believe he is the perfect person for me. But I am so sad about this because I do believe that I am able to become a better partner for him, and in theory he could become a better partner for me, and that we could have a happy, loving life together. I am heartbroken for my daughter that he is so unwilling to entertain that possibility. And I am so sad that I chose to be with someone who has such a fixed mindset about himself and relationships, and values marriage so little that he is not willing to do ANYTHING to try to find love for me again.

[Maybell]

I understand your sadness. I have that worry myself, that I made that kind of choice when I married my husband.

I guess the one thing I could say in comfort is, you never know what the future holds. Except that you've learned so much from this experience that whatever it is you are bound to be your best.

I don't mean that to sound final... I really hope it doesn't. Because I don't feel that it is.

[Anders]

When if ever can I ask him what he thinks?! If he said something like, I'm not sure. .. in the bottom of my heart I don't want this to happen but I still have trouble seeing a way forward" I am willing to be patient. But if I'm just sitting around waiting for him to say he's ready for D, then wtf am I doing?

Do I have a right to ask for access to all checking and CC accounts? Do I wait for mediator for that? If he is spending marital money on dating, do I have rights wrt that?

I guess these are questions for my L and coach.

Oh man. I need to breathe.

New to your thread and from what I have read so far, you are showing remarkable strength and patience.

If you haven't already, you could discuss with your L about getting a separation agreement that would include how to deal with finances. IMO, you do have the option to set healthy boundaries while still keeping the way back smooth.

[claire7]

Thanks, Anders.

Yes, I've been holding off on dealing with the finances, because it was not in my best interest to split $. But now that may have changed.