There are and have always been red flags with her. Am I wrong there? So, it's NOT easy and we all get that. But I don't think it's so complicated. She wants something you don't want, or need. So, um...yeah it's hard but at some level I truly believe you know what has to be done. You cut ties with the ex wife, you may well have to cut ties with this "non gf."
The trip will be good, though you'll risk falling into old family dynamics, or maybe I'm projecting(?)
In any event, I thought you had to go to Alaska to lose internet AND cell service. WTH?
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Old dynamics indeed 25. Trip home was a mixed bag. It was good for the first 5 days or so but then it started to get a little hairy during my niece's graduation. My family is very used to attacking and playing the victim. I try not to engage but when after awhile I get worn down - so I set up pretty strict boundaries.. which turn into I'm a bad aunt, daughter, sister.. etc.
Needless to say I cried alot.
And yes 25 - you may very well be right with new girl as well. I told her not to contact me if she felt any romantic feelings for me when she reached out. That lasted 5 days.
It lead to a conversation about me needing space because I couldn't shut off my feelings and I didn't like manipulating my behavior to try and maintain a friendship. I also said that I couldn't promise anything. Not how long I needed space for or if our friendship would survive at the end of it.
I explained that I don't make those kind of promises any more. After having my wife become my xw and to have my best friend become a stranger - those promises are naive. People's feelings change all the time.
I think it scared her pretty bad.. but instead of talking about it.. she got pretty hot headed about it. Accused me of not wanting to fight for her or our friendship. She compared herself to my other friendships. And said I found other friends worthy but not her.
I'm not so sure why I woman whom I have known for 1.5 years would even compare to my best friends who have been in the darkest of times with me for the past 3 years. Not because of anything wrong with her - but relationships are built over time and life experiences. It doesn't mean that we can't get there -just not yet.
Needless to say- she didn't handle that response well. Nor when I told her that she shouldn't compare the two. That it showed selfishness and insecurities on her part. And as much as I'm all for hearing and creating a safe environment - it couldn't be like that.
So she's taking space to cool off. I'm kinda relieved and slightly proud of myself. For sticking up for myself, my beliefs, and most importantly - not freaking out when someone gets mad or even takes space.
We will see how the conversation continues - if/when it does.. but it looks like more coins were just dropped in the "move on" bucket.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
If all they’ve done is dance on the triangle then that’s all they know. People become so entrenched they don’t recognize the behavior or its destructive nature.
When you don’t participate the attack is the easiest way to provoke a response and if you respond the dance continues.
Be true to yourself.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I think I'm just overall frustrated with things. I'm frustrated with how people are treating me. I'm frustrated that I'm currently allowing it, and I'm frustrated that I have to teach them a different way.
My compassion and grace tank is on empty. And the anger is settling in. I know I could be handling things better.. I just have to do it
Because although anger is a good feeling to have, I'm also expressing it in my behavior. And I need that to stop that.
I can see that there is fear behind all of those actions. From the way new girl expressed it to the way my family lashes out. But my initial response is to take space from them and create distance so I can treat them the way they deserve to be treated. I put them on a tier where I don't invest as much or be as vulnerable with them.
But that seems to upset both my family and her. So I stayed and I didn't end of up handling it very well.
Now I guess it's time to sit with the uncomfortable. Sit with my feelings so I can eventually work out how to let them go.
In a way that's best for me. Because it's only when I can be my best - that I can give them my best.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Well it's that time of year again. July - the month of marriage memories. The 9th - I was told she wanted a Divorce, 11th - Wedding anniversary, 17th - her sobriety anniversary, 27th - engagement day, and the 30th being her birthday.
This year is interesting. I don't really find myself thinking about it or even sad when I think about it.. however I find my fuse to be ridiculously short this month. I'm just grumpy. So at a subconscious level - it must still bother me. I wonder if it will always be that way.
I told the girl I was into that I was done. That I wasn't going to wait and that I deserved better. The whole situation was just adding to my anger and I really wanted the weight off my shoulder. Her and I are going to check in with each other in 30 days to see if we can salvage our friendship.. but at this point, I know that a friendship is possible only after I have detached and moved on.
It's a shame really. Sometimes I wonder if I talked too much Sh!t about her. Because I do feel really close to her in alot of ways. Unfortunately how she needs to grow and how she is working through that just triggers the hell out of me. And I often wonder if I spend too much time worrying about not turning back into the old Val or making the same mistakes, that I forget to enjoy and accept where I am now.
All part of the growing pains. For right now - I think I'm gonna just be for a bit. Sit still and enjoy the life around me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Grumpy happens. You could be correct about the cause or not. Don’t over think, just work through grumpy then examine the cause.
Sounds like there are some unfulfilled expectations about her and yourself, acceptance of what is, as much as I struggle with it, have helped me. It is difficult to retrain ourselves away from old habits and that is what I find I must do.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Yesterday I went through my storage closet. It's been on my mind for awhile to get rid of all things xw. This step feels important for me to move on as I am quickly approaching my 2 year divorce date.
Throughout the past year - I have thrown out letters, articles of clothing, and other small trinkets. All was done with relative ease thus creating a belief that I was ready to tackle the big things like my wedding photos, ring, and other things of great significance.
I was expecting it to be hard. I was prepared to cry. I was NOT expecting that emotional breakdown that occurred. I didn't cry, I wept. You know those movies where a person finds out a loved one died and they cry and moan at the same time - yep.. that was me.
And I was nauseous. Not the same as B-Domb. But there nonetheless.
And I was stubborn. Instead of putting that stuff into the trash, I consolidated it to one box. Gotta love the bargaining phase of grieving.
I still have the box. I have been given the opportunity to store it in a friends storage unit until I am ready to actually throw it out.
However the truth is that I don't know if I will ever be ready. I have fully accepted the truth that my marriage is over.... but accepting what is is a helluva lot different than being ready for what is.
But I AM ready to move on fully. And I'm not going to let this stop me. Not because I believe it will be worth it - caz I don't know that. Maybe I will regret burning my wedding photos.. it's hard to say.
But I do know that moving on for me... means actively choosing me. To stop having things in my life that hurts me. And as long as this one box exists - there will always be the chance I will experience pain like I did yesterday.
And whilst I am appreciative of it... I'd like to experience it as little as possible.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I had a similar experience when while looking for my oldest social security card I came across several sets of family photos. All those memories came crushing in. I bawled and bawled.
Now six years post divorce I can look at those pictures and can be happy to have them. Those are memories of my life, good and bad. I have lovely pictures from my wedding, pictures of family members no longer here. I was married, it is part of who I am now.
Give yourself time.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've kept all of my past photos to include what few wedding pictures I have. They are all a part of my life and help document the road I have travelled. Admittedly there were times when I really wasn't interested in looking at them because the wounds were still fresh, but now I am glad that I have them and my kids are also interested in looking at them from time to time. In fact my oldest daughter was elated when I digitized some of theme and sent them to her because she didn't have any pictures of her mother and I together - her mother had cut me out of all of her photos mostly because her immature boyfriend felt threatened by them. My oldest daughter said that her mom now regrets doing that and wishes she had the photos as they originally were. Time really does heal all wounds. Keep the stuff stored away and when you are ready to view them in a more positive light you will have them to enjoy.
