H's MLC #3

[Matt165]

Hey 2B,
That feeling of just not caring may be EXACTLY the thing that SAVES your R and M! I really think that until we LBS's get to that point...for real, not forced or just around our S, nothing can change. Until the WAS really knows that if things don't change for the better they can and will lose you...forever, they just won't make any move forward! It may not "feel" right to you but you're not in crisis. It may be just the thing you need to do.

[2BHappy]

Yeah,,,maybe
I was trying to figure out what I was feeling for last couple of days,..what was changing..

H seems to be moving more toward me then away...and now Im more like "whatever" I dont care,,it scares me becuase this is what I kinda felt when I WAS, the things he accused me of when BD.

I dont care, H will have to change for me to remain in this marriage, if he does not I dont care.

Im making plans for my son and I future, making sure I can cover our expenses, this even helped me change how I interact with my son, I was nervous about if I could really "handle" my son if my H was not in the house, so I stepped up and became more direct with my son, more like "I said do " not your dad and I said,,,I have stopped some of the debates with my son, give him directions and expect him to follow without me saying "dont make me tell your dad" and I realize that when my son sees Im serious and confident he listens more (well as much as a 14 yearold listens) just trying to say I know I can raise my son with or withour his dad in our home. My H will always be in his life and presnt and there to help raise, but at the start I had a lil concerned about my H not being here in the house.

Now I know, Im strong enough for my son and I.

This gift of time H gave me, may in the end not be the best gift for him... I know I want him, but I dont need him...and if H does not show more changes sooner vs later,,,I will not even want him.

[woundedfool]

but I'm a planner and I dont like the unknown about my M

So your a planner/list maker/etc?

Don't take this as a life plan... but maybe as a 180 you try doing something without a plan (just a spontaneous event/day/etc)?

[Takevowsserious]

Hi 2B,

I can relate to how you are feeling. I remember feeling quite exhausted and disgusted at the year mark. I needed something to change or I thought I would go crazy.

I don't know if it's so much an " I don't care feeling" as it is an awakening to the fact that you don't NEED your spouse. Knowing that you can take care of yourself and your children, that things may be hard if your spouse was out of the picture, but that you could do it.

It's a good place to get to.

I think just like our MLC counterparts, we cycle too. Our feelings change, we grow. A lot of different emotions come up on this journey, often surprising us at their arrival.

I do believe the MLCer is always watching us, especially if they are still living with us. But - I'm not sure that any one thing we do or not do pushes them forward or keeps them stuck.

They have to be ready to move forward, get there on their own. And it may very well be teeny tiny baby steps...

I think it's very good that you are still friends and are co-parenting.

Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is being the "friends only" routine. But look at it this way... He needs a friend right now way more than he needs a wife. He can't handle marriage right now. He can't handle a lot of things right now.

Hang in there, you will figure out what you want. No hurry, right? If you are really done with your h and m, that feeling won't go away. But if you have some doubts, listen to that little voice inside of you.

Trust in yourself

[2BHappy]

@Wounded,,,

This whole situation I have NOT tried to plan, just prayed and taking it day by day.

Tried not to look too far into the future.

So this has been a big 180 for me. But I see what you mean:)

But now that I may be coming to a different phase in my LBS journey,,,,I have looked again at my future for my son and I.

[2BHappy]

@Take

There is still doubt, I still have much love for my H. I have learned to slow down and allow things to progress without my input. I have not made a final decision to move forward without my H.

I just know my feelings about standing are changing...But I know I will know when I'm done.

Now I really understand when other posts would say in the end it will be up to LBS if the M continues or not.

[2BHappy]

Tried something today to see if H would do something with me alone, no family , no son.

It was something boring and something even before BD he would have probably said no to,,,but I ask him if he wanted to meet me at gorcery store, I have tons of food shopping to do and just thought I would throw that out there...

Now before BD he use to ask me to go to grocery store with him at times,,,not often and usually we ended up rushing or disagreeing with purchases,,,

not sure why I tried with this,,,,WOW. But not taking it personally,,,it could be just the place, but I thought it was something that was not like a date so I tried it..

H texted back -NO
We do have to go to school orientation and open house tonight together.

[woundedfool]

Tried something today to see if H would do something with me alone, no family , no son.

H texted back -NO

Good experiment. While not the result you wanted, good to try.

[2BHappy]

I had not tried anything in a while and I just quickly thru that out there...

We have been having sex at least once a week and H has been initating each time,,this could be just sex, or H's way of trying to reconnect with me,,,either way we enjoy and it is whatever it is. Crazy work schedules for H otherwise I think it would be more,,,maybe not. Not overthinking it, just going with the flow...

[woundedfool]

I had not tried anything in a while and I just quickly thru that out there...

Again, good try.

Brainstorming here... anything you could do to connect work wise?

Take him a lunch? or just show interest? Ask about a big client? Or a deal cooking? (something beyond... "how was your day")?