I remembered reading job's description on reconnection though and she said that they will say things to provoke you (paraphrasing). So I figured this was one of those things...
I agree. He was testing you. It was very like an adolescent, a bit defiant and fearful..."I won't be caged again."
Quote:
He is scared and confused. He wants his family and he he doesn't know yet how except by trying to control the situation. He still does not see that he still has to look within himself - it the simplist and hardest thing to do.
Busting, you have a great handle on where he is at, IMO. I think you handled it well. You validated and set a firm boundary at the same time. I love you, but I WILL NOT put myself, the kids or the marriage in harm's way to compromise for you.
Well done. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm sorry - I missed your comment from the end of July.thank you for your continued wisdom and support :-) I am starting to understand now more the need for more patience. Also I find it tricky balancing between not scaring him off and keeping the light on bright enough for him to keep looking but not too bright too quickly that it hurts his eyes to look.
I have noticed that he has trouble sitting with himself. He still needs activity to keep him busy and not restless. This was something i have seen in H before. I know it's a troubled mind.,I asked him once if he was ok, he said fine and I left it.
I guess I am a little scared that he will give up on himself and the family. It's hard to figure out what makes him 'tick' - what he cares about. So I continue to watch and observe. And hioefully guide when the time is right.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I guess I am a little scared that he will give up on himself and the family. It's hard to figure out what makes him 'tick' - what he cares about. So I continue to watch and observe. And hioefully guide when the time is right.
CAREFUL there, Busting -- it is NOT your job to RESCUE him!
STAND if you wish, yes, but this is "fixing/rescuing" behavior that can have a drowning person pull you under with them!!!
Thanks Starsky. Yes- Ok I will bear that in mind. Do I understand you correctly then that I need to be careful not to try and guide him but rather watch and support?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks Starsky. Yes- Ok I will bear that in mind. Do I understand you correctly then that I need to be careful not to try and guide him but rather watch and support?
In my opinion, YES. I come from a family of pleasers and rescuers and co-dependents. Lots of alcoholism. I know what rescuing behavior looks like, and what is healthy and what is not. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. That is up to God Almighty, working within His divine laws of free will.
"I love you and I forgive you; I hope you figure it out" should be your position.
Busting, I think your light is bright enough, but not too bright to blind him. You are doing fine. It must be a bit stressful to constantly think if you are doing the right thing. Allow yourself to relax and just be. I’m sure this is all that is needed. You are wonderful. I’m sure he sees it too.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Excellent- I fully understand what you mean now Starsky - thank you. I suppose that requires me to let go of that urge to try and control --- yes I see this more clearly now. Thank you again SO much ((( Starsky)))
Heather, Matt- thank you for your validation and point of views. It really helps when others 'see' what I see. Especially that very few IRL cannot fathom why I doing what I am doing.
Bright- I needed that reminder to relax and be myself. I need that reminder. I feel hypersensitive to this sometimes trying to navigate. I need to relax more and be myself. And trust in God. And be confident. Thank you bright. You know sometimes when the stinkin Thinkin starts in I think what could he possibly like about me after rejecting me so completely? Those thoughts don't allow me to be myself completely.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bustingout, your H sounds just like mine: so certain I have nothing on my mind but the desire to control him. Determined to make all of the rules. H has also claimed to be "done" and has filed for divorce.
I like what Starsky said about not letting him back in until he's ready to be fully transparent with you, about holding a higher bar (standard) and not to settle for the lower one.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
