For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?

[uRworthy]

Great stuff, Shining. Really.

I am thinking a couple of things. While I know you have a real good handle on this, our hearts feel what they do. So, please be sure to protect yours.

I think it may be a good idea for you to pull back just a bit. You wrote and said what you feel, he read and heard it. No need to say it again for awhile.

As far as his daughter sending you that stuff, be careful there. That can come back to bite you later. I know you want her to feel she can come to you, but, that is still her father, ya know?

You really are doing wonderfully, S. Keep going.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR, so much of your shared experience and good words have guided me this far. I was excited to see your comment:).

I do feel I have a pretty good handle, but you are correct. My heart is still fragile. Especially after the surprising week..... I am noticing today that, although I have not initiated contact with H for 13 solid days, including today, (yay me), I did catch myself back to checking my phone several times throughout the day again!!!! Grrrrr...... Dangit.

BUT, my awareness and available options to change this behavior have GROWN significantly. So I took my kids out and practice drove for 90 minutes with S15, went to store, found cute shoes for my baby girl (D13 is not so much baby, but still my baby), bought a few school shirts for S15, groceries, and tonight my D13 and I had in-house mani-pedi night. I got to catch up on the board while tootsies were cooking in lights:)

My PMA is good today. I kept telling myself after r talk yesterday, to expect h to go a bit dark. And he is. And it's good. I'm grateful for the opportunity to show him my changes, smile and flirt, and hold him again. I know he needs time for the talk to sink in.

I used to stew about what he was doing. I am thinking about that today, and kind of curious, but it's a different curious... Not compelled to find out.

I now ask myself, "Why would knowing that matter? What good can come from knowing details?" I'm choosing to be grateful that he is taking the time away, not that he's using it to think and mull things over as you or I would do, but time away from thinking of me at all. Because he needs to. His r with ow needs to cycle and die. My visits were all positive. That may or may not mean anything today. But there is a strong possibility that he may behave a little differently around her this weekend. She may become suspicious. I'm doing nothing but giving space to allow their fate to take it's course.

He will think of us and r in his own time. And there is hope and possibility in the file he can access when he's ready.

I'm patient. I love him. It will take more than love, but I'm going to keep going, stay educated, and pray.

[Mighty]

Shining, you doing so well. I am very happy for you. Not just that h has made attempts at reconnections, but I am happy about how well you are handling it. You used your time to grow, learn, and become strong. You used your time for your! Yes, there is more to go on this journey, but you will be able to handle so much in life and in this sitch, no matter what happens, because you became so strong and patient. Good for you. Keep it up, keep smiling, and keep moving forward. God bless!

[Atsbaby]

^^^^^^^ couldn't have said it any better Mighty!

Shining you are really inspiring with how you are handling the sitch and how YOU are moving forward with your life.

[Shining]

It is overwhelming to read from the cheering section!!! Way to make my day, friends!!!! Thank you for such positive affirmations .

I'm humbled to read words such as "inspiration", because I truly don't feel like I have this figured out in the least.

I hope the positive efforts I'm making and new habits I'm trying to live and share on my thread, aren't misleading. I stumble big time. In fact, I actually stumbled for real in the lobby at church today and fell, lol.... Not hurt. Reminded I am human, haha.

FWIW, please know I am not sailing through this AT ALL. I still struggle daily, hourly, and sometimes every minute to keep my chin up.

I do feel great about my overall progress. I'm thankful for the lessons. I have made a choice to be happy, and live a purposeful life. Bigger than the tiny view of reality I had before MLC. But "choosing happiness" isn't a magic wand... It's HARD to do.

My fear is that someone will read my thread and think my answers are their answers. I do not have my H back, and I'm a long way from knowing whether that will happen.

But I no longer depend on that for my happiness in my life. .

[Raine]

Hey Matt, I'm glad my threads were helpful to you. I can post a response over on my thread too, but either way. I don't think most people mind the hijacking.

I asked H about your question. It's hard for him to really know why on a lot of things. It's typically a "I don't know, but here's my guess," kind of response. He doesn't understand the person he was then much more than I do.

He felt like he didn't want to be married. To me, to anyone. He didn't want the responsibility. He also wanted to feel like he was in charge of his life. That he made the decision to leave, and him sleeping with someone else was his way of locking that decision. No one could change his mind or anything about it. He made the decision and he sealed it. It's done. No going back.

He never stopped being attracted to me, but once he did what he had done, he had major regrets and guilt about it. But he couldn't undo it. It didn't matter if he wanted me or wanted to work things out, because he had cheated and there was no forgiveness for it. He wouldn't even think about anything with me, because there was no me. I was not an option. Thinking about or trying to work out anything with me was not going to happen and would just make him upset and sad, so why even go there?

I see it as a migration of things. He didn't want to be married to me - He didn't want to be married to anyone - He experienced life without me, but nothing was good - He wanted what he had, me and the family. Everything was even more attractive than ever before, because he knew what it was to not have it. He was even more attracted to the person he saw me becoming. But that was impossible to have again. - He wanted to hold onto what little friendship we still had.

He was absolutely afraid of being rejected by me. It was odd that he did leave and wanted to get out of the marriage and away from, yet in our last counseling session on the day we separated for 7 months, he said he would never reject me.

We're trying to make sense of someone who is in a completely illogical state. He is saying one thing, but his actions are entirely different. He wants to get a divorce and have me take care of all that, but he goes to great lengths to hide his unfaithfulness and doesn't want me to know about anything. He knows how he felt at the time. He understands his emotions and what was going on there. However, he doesn't understand the why. He doesn't understand how he got to that state of emotion and what he wanted.

He knew that his moving back in was not an open door to me at all. Which is completely true. I setup a separate room for him, which meant the world to him. He needed that space. He was a total mess. He was suicidal. He came back home on the pretense that he needed extra time to find a new place to live. I did not pursue him. He looked at me as someone completely out of his league. I was happy, confident, and didn't need him for anything. He was sure I was seeing someone else. (Yes me and my newborn were partying it up.)

So we are taking about the state of my H at two completely different times, 9 months apart. Was he always attracted to me? Yes, but in the beginning at BD, he wasn't going to lead me on because he didn't want the marriage, and in the end, he didn't deserve me, I didn't want him, and he wasn't going to risk losing what little he had left with me. It's a difficult state to be in, because he is holding onto fire at that point. He can't let me go, but all holding on is doing is hurting him.

I'm guessing Shining's H is going through an incredible amount of guilt right now because he knows what he wants, but this time it's real, and all the consequences of his actions are coming back on him tenfold. This isn't just a booty call. This is someone he cares about, someone he has hurt, and someone who if he continues to be with, he is going to hurt her even more, because she is the one he needs to be honest with. So there is a lot of things going on there. The physical actions are now eating away at his emotions. I think at this point it would have been far easier for my husband to run. I think what he did was really difficult and took a lot of strength and courage for him to do the work and put himself out there.

[artsy]

^^ that makes complete sense to me, and I've thought my H feels the same way.

(Which is mind reading, for the most part, but based on what I've heard from him over the last couple months it seems pretty spot on.)

I do not envy the MLCer. What a sad way to live.

[pbetra]

It is overwhelming to read from the cheering section!!! Way to make my day, friends!!!! Thank you for such positive affirmations .

I'm humbled to read words such as "inspiration", because I truly don't feel like I have this figured out in the least.

Happy for you Shining! You ARE (!!) an inspiration no matter what (no 'pressure')
Your account of unfolding events was great to read, & offer some insight to the erractic behaviour we suddenly have to deal with as LBS.

Nothing you wrote I've considered 'misleading,' just very helpful! It's great to read of encouraging (MLCer) feedback since the average LBS sitch is a hurtful experience. This is truly wonderful - thanks again.

[Shining]

Raine, I'm sitting here reading with my jaw dropped. Your insight is remarkable. I believe your impression of my H (guilt, care, fear of honesty and rejection) is spot on. I also believe my H doesn't want to be married, etc., and that his thoughts are very likely the same as your H describes when he was in MLC.

Thank you for your post, and please feel free to "highjack" anytime. I don't see it as a highjack, anyway. Any experience you have to share is a gift. .

[Matt165]

Thanks for your and your H's response, it's appreciated!
The day after B-day, my W was at work and for no apparent reason, fainted. Passed out cold on the floor. I really think this was because, like your H, she knew she wanted to not be married to me, but at the same time still wanted me and knew I really did love her and care about her. She has told me a few times in the past that she is just so unhappy, so "dead" inside and she see's leaving me and starting over as the biggest change she could make in her life. She tells her kids that the reason she had to leave is because it was just so "unhappy" at home. She really thinks that her kids feel the same way. She is confused when my D19 doesn't agree. When she got so upset over the fact that I wanted to keep something she wanted, she said that she had to leave not because of anything I said or did but because she "had" to sleep on the couch, she couldn't relax, she couldn't sleep through the night. It's never because I am an awful H or treated her poorly. It's always about how she feels inside. How she feels about HERSELF.

Right now she is excited about her new home. She spends so much time and effort on getting it the way she wants it. My D19 said she thinks that as soon as the newness of having her own place wears off and it's just back to normal day to day living, my W is going to just go back to being unhappy just like always. It's like she has convinced herself that I have to be the problem. She also says she isn't looking for a new R or to be married again, she just needs to find her joy on her own and I would just get in her way.

Just got a text from W about picking up my D14. She said we could meet unless I want to come over and get her from her home. (??) Why would she think I would want to go there? It's 20 miles farther. I don't get her. Oh, well. I better get ready. Thanks again Raine and thank your H as well!