Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[PeterV2]

I went over to the RH just as she was leaving. I asked her, where are you going and she looked at me like what business is it of yours. I said what's with the look and she said she'd be back in a couple hours. She wasn't.

But I've got things to do.

Oh, I slept beside her last night.
I went over to the RH to help frame the prints she pulled out, for which she bought frames and mattes. Then we hung them in her office. These represent good memories of when we were in love and getting married. So in that regard is see it as a positive sign that she wants to look at them went working in her office.
When I first got there she hugged me and smelled my cologne. She came in for another hug, saying oh you smell good as she was sniffing my neck and shirt. (Mont Blanc Legend - thanks guys)
Afterwards she was getting ready for bed and asked me to fix the TV which she had recently moved across her room. So I fixed it, turned on one of our favourite shows, got undressed and crawled into bed with her. She said, what are you doing. I said staying for a while. She eventually fell asleep so I stayed. In the morning we had coffee and I rubbed her back and neck which she complained was sore because she didn't sleep well because I was in the bed. But she was good natured about it.

I can't figure her out. One moment she's hugging and holding me and kissing me and the next she's saying I can't do this. She still won't show me her phone. I get suspicious but then again I have a very fertile imagination and often it's way off the mark.

I have to stop obsessing about her and what she's up to. It's just so hard.

I have no intel into what's going on with the A. She said it's over and our MC seems to think it's over, but the process of rebuilding trust has not begun.

Back in early May I told her on Sandi's advice, that there will be no relationship talk until the A is over. When she told me it was over, we started talking about our relationship again, but she has never shown me definitive proof that it's over. Should I now ask her for that proof?

The other day at dinner she asked me if she's disappointed me. I told her I'll think about that. I've thought about it: I'm disappointed when a movie I want to see is sold out. To say I'm disappointed that she had an A trivializes the utter pain, betrayal and loss of a trusted friend that the A represents. Should I tell her that?

Just looking for some guidance here. Sandi? Wonka? Starsky?

[PeterV2]

Yesterday evening was at RH for a visit. As I was leaving we hugged, and then I went in for more hugs and a squeeze and I whispered in her ear ILY - no reply. Sort of asking for it. I know - still should refrain from that. I was just feeling romantic. I guess she wasn't. I gotta learn to stay back. Too much pursuing lately. Earlier in the evening she said she's nervous around me - like she has to be hyper vigilant - she's not sure why she feels that way & will ask our MC. She said she does feel like she's let me down or something like that - which to me indicates a touch of remorse. Her self-esteem is low enough as it is right now so I'm not about to reinforce that she's a let down.

Had a good day today. I called at 11:30 this morning and woke her up - she sleeps odd hours. Went to RH and made her toast & coffee and then we went to the golf driving range - her first time - she has been talking about taking up golf for a year now. We knocked off a bucket of balls and she had fun & we had a few laughs. I'm no golfer but I can hit a ball once in a while.

She said we should do this again - she may say at any time, I'll meet you at the driving range and we go. Then we had a bit of lunch and went shopping and then to D27 and fiancé's place and cooked a great dinner and had a good time.

Went back to RH so she could start her shift and she hugged & kissed me goodbye. Said she had a great day. All is good.

[sandi2]

Hey, I had to dig up your thread. (lol) I knew you had to be here somewhere.

To answer your question, I think you should not present the DB material to her. In fact, I don't know that suggesting any books to read is the best idea. B/c she is too tired and doesn't have the time to read (and study) books. Didn't she say she was jealous of you having time to read?

So, why not direct her question of "what now" back to her. Ask her what would she be willing to do in order to reconcile. Don't take the conversation over, just listen to what she says (or doesn't say).

There are a few things that still concern me. She is too private about her whereabouts, phone, etc. She doesn't like it if you causally ask where she's going. I believe she's got to let go of it.....if she has nothing to hide. If she's going to be in a M with you, she can't have a hidden life you know nothing about.

The other thing that concerns me is how she seems to talk about a future friendship, but doesn't refer with the same intensity toward a MR (unless that's just how you wrote it). She has mentioned several times how she wants the two of you to be good friends. She may even be interested in friends with benefits, IDK. But when she says a reconciliation should not be work and it should be easy.....that sounds so script for a WAW. It seems to me that most people would know that you have to put work into it. Not working on a R is what causes so many problems.

One of the many issues the WAW has, is that starting a new relationship with a new person is so much easier than working to fix the old one. That's why her answer sounds too script to ring completely clear. But maybe that's just me.

She is holding you at arms length. I think you pushed your luck by inviting yourself to sleep with her. I think you really need to wait and see if she warms up toward you more physically before making those type of moves.

So IDK that she'll bring it up again (about the R). You may want to ask her what she's willing to do to get the M back on track. If she doesn't offer much of an answer, then tell her that you think it would be wise to have some type of professional guidance (solution based) in piecing the M back together again. You don't want to take chances of just seeing where it goes. (That's what a WAS does.....just wants to see where it goes, b/c they base everything on emotions.) You could find a highly recommended program for repairing M's, therapist, or whatever. But I strongly recommend you invest in something that will help the two of you. Things don't just fall into place (at least they won't stay that way) without knowing what to do when faced with certain issues.

I think you could determine where you stand by the answer she gives. She may not be on board yet. You may want to wait till later and continue more of the same. But there is something that seems off and I have to wonder if she's being fully open or honest about everything.

[PeterV2]

Hi Sandi. Thanks for finding me again. Here's the thing. When we bought the Retirement Home (RH) she wanted to wait and not close the deal for about 1-4 months after what was being proposed. I was afraid the deal would fall through and she had told me it was her dream job at the time. She signed the papers.

Well now she's blaming me for the mess we're in because the taking over of the RH was way more work than we expected. It caused her burn-out and checking out of our M. Now we're half vacant and unless my business puts money into hers, the RH, then it'll go under. So she works the night shifts now - has been since about March. 9pm - 7am. Well, she's up until midnight then sleeps til 3am, does her rounds and goes back to bed. Has difficulty getting back to sleep often, so her sleep is broken and not consistent.

Recently after I shingled the roof a shingle had fallen over an outside drain and a heavy rainstorm caused her office and bedroom to flood. She was very upset. It was a mess and it took about a week to clean up.

Then she went away on her vacation and when she got back I left for my hike for 4 days. On the 2nd day another heavy rain caused an even worse flood in her office and bedroom which put her over the top. She was very stressed and wanting to walk away from her life.

That was July 26. Tonight I took my saw and cut a square out of the subfloor to reveal that underneath was still covered with water - the only solution is for her to move out of her office and bedroom and I have to rip out all the subfloor and replace it - a major job. She just about lost it. Crying and blaming me for everything & asked me to leave. I didn't leave. I talked her down and tried my best to use not only reason but compassion and empathy, and admitting my mistakes, but not taking the blame for things beyond my control. I suggested she move her bedroom to another vacant room at the other end of the home and I said I'd start helping her move her things tonight.

So we move her closet stuff into the new room with a huge walk-in closet (nice). We need to get the carpet steam cleaned in the morning before moving the furniture - staff will do that. She should be in her new room by tomorrow night. I'll set her up nicely. We'll move to office to another empty room.

Then she's planning on going away Sunday by herself for about 3 days just to get away from it all. Going to a cottage somewhere. Hopefully that'll give me the time to fix the floor and get her old office & bedroom back on track.

I sort of want to wait until the flood repairs are behind us before I broach the subject of reconciliation. Her mental state is too fragile right now. Like you say, timing is everything, and now is not the time to talk about R.

[PeterV2]

She is too private about her whereabouts, phone, etc. She doesn't like it if you causally ask where she's going. I believe she's got to let go of it.....if she has nothing to hide. If she's going to be in a M with you, she can't have a hidden life you know nothing about.

She keeps saying she need to find herself. To get her life back. She doesn't want to be dependent on anyone. She want her freedom. She feels like a prisoner having to be at the RH all the time.

She does go out & visit friends. She went to a function Sat night with some other ladies - stayed out late. So she does take time off - especially when the staff are on duty during the days. She still begrudges me my GAL and that I can seemingly come and go as I please. I didn't argue with her. Not a battle I want to fight right now.

So I think keeping her phone and life private from me is a way of exerting her freedom and independence from me.

As for a program to get the M back on track I got the Strong Marriage Now program by Dr Dana Filmore. Basically training on half a dozen threads: spend more time together, communication,
conflict resolution, handling money issues, dividing responsibilities, and sex. It may help.

We do have a MC but we have only seen her individually except for one time 3 days after BD. W wants to see her after she gets back from the cottage. Then I think we should go in together and start SBT.

[sandi2]

But I thought that was why she took the last trip (that was only a few days ago)- She won't even tell you where this cottage is relocated? That seems so over the top. Knowing where she is going has nothing to do with her"finding herself"-

[PeterV2]

She'll probably let me know where the cottage is. I've even suggested a few resorts which she thanked me for.
Yeah she took the last trip to get a break but ended up socializing with friends pretty well the whole time. Didn't really get a lot of alone time. This time she just wants to be alone - to have some solitude and time to collect her thoughts.
Yeah she's an enigma.

[PeterV2]

She just sent me a text earlier today to pick up potatoes for the RH. That's the last I've heard from her. I sent her a couple of texts with no reply. It's now 11pm and I have no idea where she is. She has a staff staying overnight at the RH so she could stay out all night if she wants.

Whatever. I spent about 6 hours at the RH this pm doing maintenance work but she wasn't there. Left at 9 & went home.

I'll just carry on here at home.

A couple of days ago she was crying and said, "I'm done." I told her things would get better but she to me to leave her alone and she continued crying as I left. I don't really know what she's done with. The RH? Our M? Life? I didn't ask. Maybe I should have, but the timing didn't seem right. She stopped kissing me good-bye since then. Just a hug. I think that flood in the basement put her over the top. She blamed me for it because I didn't fix something she told me to fix. It's fixed now, but too late. I totally disagree with her that I'm to blame but I'm not about to start arguing with her about that. I tried arguing my case but she's locked into her own beliefs. We'll get the insurance company to fix the damage.

Now she's moved into one of the largest rooms in the RH - very nice. She likes it. Hopefully that will improve her outlook on life and she'll cut me a little slack.

[PeterV2]

I haven't heard from W in 2 days.

So earlier today I sent her a text saying I haven't heard a word from you in 2 days, and I'm a little worried. Are you ok?

So just now I got a text from the staff member at the RH who is doing the night shift in W's absence saying W texted her and to pass the message on that she's ok.

I find it strange that she didn't respond to my text saying she's ok but went through the staffer. I guess she just wants NC with me while she's away. I have no idea where she is.

I know I just need to detach and GAL, but I thought we were progressing fairly well, until the flood at least, when she said she's done.

I'm in a bit of a panic. This is very difficult.

[PeterV2]

I feel like sending her a text asking her why she couldn't just respond to me instead of going through the staff. And to ask her where she is. But I feel that constitutes pursuing. She'll be back tomorrow or the day after (I hope). We can discuss her behaviour then if she's still on board.