Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Lifes Twists]

Matt, make sure that she knows she cannot enter the home without you prior consent. If she brings up the divorce agreement or anything to do with it make it clear to her that this is no longer personal, but a business transaction.That she needs to relay anything to do with it or possessions through her lawyer. I found out the hard way that an MLCer and their families will not respect even a written list of what is theirs and what is yours. Protect yourself.

In regards to everything including your daughter make a counter claim. In the mean time b the best father you can be and make them home a place of stability and security for your daughter. It will amaze you how she will chose that over the instability that her mother represents right now. I over heard my 15 year old tell a friend the other day that she would be staying in our home with me for at least the next three years. I would not have expected that a year ago.

[Mighty]

Hey Matt, sorry about the current sitch. I had a somewhat lengthy response, then erased it on accident. Jiminy Cricket! I don't like when that happens!

So- shortened version:

Please heed Wonka's advice. The l's get paid the big buck just for this reason. I know this is easer said than done, but you need to emotionally detach from this behavior. It is evident that she is reacting on emotion and will do whatever she can to hurt you when she feels appropriate. It does not mean it will always be like this, but the second she feels threatened, she will go for the jugular.

She knows how to push your buttons. Don't let her. Know that she is hurt and out of control inside. The more she can spew this and hurt you and try to control your sitch, she thinks it will make her feel better. I'm sure it wont last forever, as long as you don't feed the fire.

I am far from an expert on this, but I really feel that if you don't let your emotions drive you, you will come out way better. Even if she never does snap out of it, in the future, you will have the ability to view it as an observer and not a passenger.

Again, I'm sorry Matt. This is really tough. Hang in there. Remember that you are a target because they always want to hurt the ones they love the most. The ones they know they can hurt the most. If it were a stranger she were treating this way, the stranger would be over it, no problem-o. She does not know how else do direct her emotions, so this is control for her. Don't let her control your emotions. Check them out from crazy. Keep your head up.

[Matt165]

You are all right (thanks again Wonka as the voice of reason),
Luckily, I stopped myself from texting my W while I was so angry. Since then I found out that my D19 asked her mom for some help buying clothes for her first real job interview. My D19 has had to move in with her boyfriend because since her mom now refuses to help, she doesn't have a way to go to a job and get to college classes (she is starting at Community College) if she lives with me or her mom. Her mother refused to help her saying that she can't "afford" to help her. My W makes $8,000 a month and can very well afford to help her. She is angry because her D19 doesn't think she is doing the right thing in getting the D and also told her mom how unfair she thought it was that she won't pay for private school for her sister. Her father also told my W that she shouldn't help her as she's "over 18 now" and of course she will listen to him. Never mind how badly he screwed her and her brother all their lives.

Wonka, I don't think my W is fit to have custody of my D14 half the time. As little as a few months ago, she told me that "some days I don't even want to live", needs AD's to function and will be working late almost every night leaving my D home alone (which she has been doing so far when she has had custody, those times that she just didn't leave her most of the time at her mothers). She has told me that when she is called to work out of town she will leave my D with "friends" from work. That's not right. The details of the custody on her decree makes it obvious she doesn't care at all about what's best for our D but what SHE wants. My W is running her life only on emotion, she lets how she feels from min to min decide what she is going to do. That's no way for a parent to be with a teenage girl. Before she left, she and my D only interacted by yelling at each other. How long until that starts up once again?

The next time I need to see my W is Sunday when I pick up my D. In the mean time I am going to look into this other school and the local (to me) school district. I now know that my W was trying to get as much from me before having to finalize as she could. As soon as she figured out I was no longer going to just let her have whatever she wanted, she went and did this. She has now shown herself for who she has become. She has just abandoned our older D. Made sure my younger D couldn't go to private school because she doesn't want to be bothered picking up and dropping off and has now reneged on everything we spoke about when coming to a D agreement. It's one thing to renege on things like she wasn't going to go to a lawyer or file and a week later does exactly that. That kind of thing she has a right to say she "changed her mind". When it's about a final D decree, when I let her have certain things, agreed to others, she doesn't have the right to change her mind (like she did about ever leaving me so I would get a vasectomy and 12 weeks later want a D and wouldn't even try and work things out) and think I will just ignore it and let her get her way once again.

I have been played by her for the last time. Yes, she's in crisis but she has made stupid, selfish move after stupid selfish move. To push her D19 into having to live with her boyfriend and not bat an eye because, as my D19 says, W would rather her live in sin than with me. To punish her for not being happy that mom will now be able to find her joy, is to much. To call me and pretend that she was going to discuss where our D should go to school when she had already put it as a demand in her decree was just scummy.

I am going to let myself relax a bit and really think this through before I make up my mind how to proceed. I do know I need to protect myself and decide what truly is best for my D14, not while angry and upset but after I'm sure it's because I'm doing what I think is best for her.

[Matt165]

Another thing I was thinking...when W called Friday, she also spoke to me about some very personal health problems (cervical polyps being removed, bleeding due to this, etc.), was actually sounding like she wanted someone to talk to, someone who knows her and cares about her. All the time knowing that she had reneged on almost everything we had agreed on because she was pissed and lost her temper. My oldest D19 said that she knew that her mom was thinking of changing her name back because "it sounds better" (after her first name). Never mind that she will have a different name than her D's, that she has used that name for 21 years, that she has never used her maidien name since living in the state we live in now, that she will need to change her license's for work, the sheer amount of work she will need to do. I know her, this is like when she stopped wearing her ring, she got angry about something she thought I had written in another blog. She got angry, decided to stop wearing her ring and stop sleeping in our bed that second and once she had decided this, she was done. No matter that what she read wasn't even written by me, she didn't even bother to say why until months later. That's what she does. Pure emotion. She gets an idea in her head and not even the truth can change how she feels.

I really don't think I can stand any more. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive the way she has totally stopped thinking about anyone but herself. How she has allowed herself to be swayed from doing what she knows would be best for not just her and I but for the kids as well, by her father; a man that she knows screwed her own mother, brother and her in his D. Hid money from me because he told her that was what she needed to do and how proud he was that she had done it (after telling me that she didn't believe that I would do anything that "horrible" even though people told her that I would and me assuring her I would never do such a thing). I get that he is the one who screwed her up to the point where she finds herself now but shouldn't that just be a reason for her to NOT listen to him? Yes, I know she isn't thinking clearly because of her crisis but still, how will I ever be able to look at her again without seeing her as the person who she has become? How can I ever trust that she won't just go through something like this all over again, next time she is "in transition"?

A D may just be a piece of paper but the way she has gone about this is just so nutty. Making agreements and then "changing her mind", just like with the vasectomy, like changing her mind is totally fine no matter how important the decision while me and what happens to me makes no difference at all. (Like leaving me with a negative balance in my checking account before she left). Will she ever "wake up"? Will she ever understand the damage and pain she has caused so many? And the $1,000,000 question....will I even give a dam if she ever does?

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

I would suggest you talk to your attorney about getting a parenting agreement in place and on the court record as soon as possible. In it you can spell out things like what happens when wife has to go out of town, who daughter stays with and who makes the decisions. I am going through this process myself right now. Your attorney will draft one with you. It will look very heavy handed at first. Let it. Your wife will demand changes regardless of whether it is easy on her or hard on her. By being hard on her at first your lawyer can steer it into what is good for your daughter, not what is good for the wife. Once it is on the court records then you will have better control on your daughters situation.

[Matt165]

Hi everyone,
Vegged out last with the dog. Texted a bit with both my D's and my D19 is very excited about job interview today. She texted that it went "well" but this was her very first job interview EVER so she isn't sure. I gave her lots of positive feedback as I can sense she is down on herself now. I told her she is the "greatest person I know". That she has overcome much caca in her young life and has dug herself out of even her self made messes well and that I really mean it when I say how proud I am of her. She spent her years from about 13 to 16 with a mom who was clinically depressed and a dad who was so busy trying to take care of it all that I didn't have as much time nor energy that I should have for her. Of course she acted out and that was the biggest thing my W and I fought about our entire M.

L called today to ask about what my D14 wants to do about custody, if she would rather live with me or her mom. I told him that I need to speak with her as up until now I had just tried to do what my W had suggested thinking that she would be reasonable. I know Wonka that you don't think it is good that I get her into this sitch at all. The thing is, my W has told me she wants me to back "forcing" her to do what my W wants as when she was D14's age the "best memories I have of my dad was when he forced me to do things I didn't want to do". Well, I can say that, judging from the R she has with her father now, that didn't work out so well for her! The sheer detail in the decree about what my D14 can and can't do, from holidays and where she will spend them, to exact times that she be picked up and dropped off (not taking into account school activities, friends events, anything) is ridiculous. She is old enough to decide if she wants to vacation with me or her mom whenever that comes up. The decree says that I must tell my W exact dates for summer vacation by April 1st! From reading the decree you'd think my D was an infant or toddler! My W is so afraid that my D14 is going to be angry at her and she actually has good reason to feel that way. But that is her problem, she decided that her own wants and needs come before her d's. She needs to own that! She needs to understand that she hasn't acted like a mother for years now and no amount of rewriting of history can change that. I have thought about this and I actually think if she stays with her mother, the rigidness will backfire big time and be hurtful to her. Her sister went through such a dark time because of how her mother acted towards her, I need to do everything in my power to prevent this from happening with my D14. Don't get me wrong, I will allow her to see her mother whenever she wants. In fact if she wants to spend a holiday with her mom over me I will have no trouble with that. It's how my W wants to force her to bend to her will that I see as the problem.

I just got a call from my D14. Seems her and her mother and my W's step mother are at my HOME!They need to get D's birth certificate and let themselves into MY HOME!! I asked my D if they are taking anything but the BC and she said "Just some of mom's clothes..". My W has got to stop coming into my home and taking anything!Time to call my lawyer...again!

[Matt165]

Just got home as I left work early because my W was in my home without permission. I got here and she was already gone. She took not only D14's birth certificate but also the fire proof safe and ALL it's contents! So far I see that she took several other items such as vacuum parts, silver platter (i would have given her that but she had no right to take it), clothes, and who knows what else! I called my L and only got the paralegal and she doesn't think my W can do this but she has to check with my L! No way that before she has the decree finalized by the courts that she can do this! This is TX dang it, a man's home is scared! I can shoot a stranger for just being on my land but here I have this soon to be not even having the same last name person and she gets to take what she wants??

I want the safe and it's contents back. She does not have the right to keep my D's SS cards, birth certificates, etc. She just doesn't! I am waiting for the L to get back to me and I will see what I can do! She was with her fathers wife (OW who broke up her family as a child and whom she has started calling "mom"!) and I sure don't want that bi%^h in my home, even with me here! What is with the sense of entitlement that these MLCers have! She left this home. She has her own home, she has no right to do this, at least as she so likes to say "moral right"! I am done with Mr. Nice guy. I will be disputing everything she has put in the final decree she thinks she will get from me! Goodness, I want to call her and give her a piece of my mind!!! I am going to try and calm down now. I was going to go out tonight but I'm so angry right now I don't think I should! Maybe I will go and get new locks for the doors (someone I work with suggested I do that but fool that I am, I didn't listen!) and put them in. Of course my D14 will always have a key and I don't want to have to tell her not to let mommy in! That just isn't right but again this illustrates just why I don't trust her to have custody of my D14. She used her as an excuse to enter my home without my permission and that just shows how low she really has become!

[pbetra]

Matt,

just reading of your experience & it is enough to make someone pull their hair out. Crazy! I'm no expert but think you handled it the right way re: lawyer. She has trespassed & she has stolen property ... I just don't know how that 'pans out' from a legal standpoint. Pity re: the locks - you may have to change them going forward. Do it soon I think - no telling when W may be back ... may be never, but its hard to know the inner workings of the erractic MLCer mind!

Give your D14 a set of keys & tell her that the only people who have new keys are you both & no one else. It's just the way it has to be at the moment - & you are not able to go into it/ or elaborate.

I do hope you do something to give your anger expression if the anger lingers on. These people can make us sick.

Take care, p

[pbetra]

re: I don't want to have to tell her not to let mommy in!

Maybe someone here can advise?!!

- Can YOU say that you have been advised that it has to be ...
- Right now certain issues are taking place & unfortunately, Mom can't enter the premises at this time & especially when I am not here. It won't be forever - but it has to be this way right now ...

Maybe something like that?!!

[Matt165]

Wow pbetra,
I was just posting on your thread while you were posting on mine! My D14 was there the last time my W had her fit of rage because I politely asked to keep a clock we had bought! All I did was say I would like to keep this and before I could answer she went nutty and ran around, took the laptop and said she would take this if I took the clock, went on a rage in front of both the kids and her best friend (who looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole!). I think that is why my D called, to let me know her mom was there! She see's how crazy her mom has become and it is so sad. I just hate to put her on the spot when she has the key and her mom wants to come in my house. It will have to be done as I will not leave my D14 without a key to the ONLY HOME SHE HAS EVER KNOWN until her mother moved out a month ago.

My W said that D doesn't hurt kids, it's how the parents act. Well, so far she hasn't been acting in a way that is anything less than hurtful!