Sleep helped, but I'm still angry today. Last night was a jerk move on H.'s part and I'm super unimpressed with him right now. On top of that, it feels like he has all of the control. I need to keep fostering this detachment so it's easier, and spend more time on me so I react less. I'm pleased I didn't react in front of him last night, but it took ages for me to calm down and get to sleep.
I have to admit that there was a moment last night when I just wanted to tell him that he shouldn't come back at all. I know this wouldn't be good for saving my marriage, which I still hope to do, but it seemed like the preferable option in the moment. Being here by myself has meant moments of loneliness, but the freedom - both to do what I want and from the tension and tiptoeing around another person - have been surprising.
I spent the morning out on my bike and at the local thrift store's super sale and was thinking about work things and plans for the future. There was an undercurrent of H. there, but I made sure to focus on me and to do more of what I wanted. I decided that if he's willfully not around, I'll go ahead and pick some pans and a shower curtain without his input. Not that these are big purchases or anything, but it seemed like a bit of step for me. If he doesn't like them then too bad so sad for him.
For the rest of the day, I'm going to make a tasty dinner for myself, watch a movie, and work on a puzzle. We always did puzzles at the cottage, which I loved, so I bought one today and will get started on it. There might be some sewing involved, too, and I stocked up on candles so I can light some and read and meditate by candlelight tonight. I'm looking forward to it.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Actually, I do think anger is a healthy place to be (as confirmed by pretty much everyone else that I know).
If nothing else, it feels like a step on the road to detachment. When I'm sad I'm worrying and wondering and allowing him to have control. When I'm angry I care less about what he thinks and do more things for myself. I'm not out to get him or anything, and I still treat him well, but I feel like the detachment is easier when I have some anger.
I've been concerned that I've been letting myself be stepped on by H. He has all the control, and there have been many times recently where I feel like he's been pushing my buttons. Last night was probably the biggest example, but there are many others.
If this relationship is going to work, we both have to change. He doesn't have to change now, and I get that he wants to see changes in me first. Feeling angry reminds me that change needs to happen for both of us and that if it doesn't, I run the risk of sacrificing myself and keeping myself unhappy for someone who won't take responsibility for his issues or work with me to change.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Today is feeling like it could be a sad day. If nothing else, it's starting out that way.
H. not coming back leaves me feeling like he doesn't miss me, which was the idea for his trip. It still leaves me worried that he's there making plans to leave, which would be really hard.
On top of that, I'm angry. I'm angry about how he handled telling me he wouldn't be back when he said. It feels like another example of him trying to push my buttons, and I wonder who this person who is so unlike my H. is.
I'm also angry that it's clear that while he's away he's getting up early and actually doing things - going places and seeing people. That he hasn't done these things has been one of my complaints for years - one that I've raised with him. I'm left feeling like I was never worth doing these things for or with, since clearly he's doing them now, which is not a great feeling.
On top of that, I keep having thoughts about his online friend. I thought I'd been doing better with that, but lately they're back quite often.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Today was another okay day - some work, some shopping (polishing up the wardrobe and the apartment just a bit), and some cooking and relaxing doing things I like to do. On the whole, it's been nice, although I'm somewhat behind where I'd like to be in terms of work and really need some ways to buckle down and improve my focus.
I think that over the past few days I've been feeling more myself than I have for awhile now. It's been refreshing to just do what I want to do. It's also easier to identify what I need and want when I'm not tiptoeing around someone else or feeling the tension or resentment. I've even gotten into some new habits - doing all of the dishes before I go to bed, lighting candles in the evening (just stocked up on more today), and reading in bed before I go to sleep - nothing big, but it feels like it's making a difference and grounding my days a bit more.
There are, however, things that I'm struggling a bit with. There are still moments of remembering that H. may come back only to leave again. I'm still tempted to try to check his email sometimes to see when he switched his return ticket, and also to see if he has any others booked (I won't - if nothing else, my moral compass won't let me, and I don't know that I'd want to know anyway). That said, I'm finding it even harder to trust him after this latest thing.
I'm also still feeling freaked out about his online friend. If he's not seeing family or friends much, like he says, and not really out often or talking to me, he could be spending vast amounts of time with her online, maybe even in person if she's managed to get herself there. I can't know, though. I'm trying not to imagine the possibilities, and the thoughts creep in a lot less than they did before, but I don't love that they're still there. And yes, I kind of want to check his email around this too, but I won't. The same things are holding me back.
I did talk with two friends recently who've said that they've seen changes in me, particularly over the last few weeks. They're hard to see from my vantage point, but one friend has told me that I seem a lot more positive, confident, and independent, and that she's noticed that I've really worked on improving myself and getting out more. She thinks that it's made a difference for me and says I seem a lot happier and more comfortable in my own skin.
The other friend, who I talked to right after I got H.'s IM about pushing back his flight, later said that I was a lot more calm and rational dealing with the issue than I would have been even a few weeks before. Although I'm still emotional, he thinks I'm dealing with things a lot better and that my perspective has shifted. It was nice to get that validation and to know that, if nothing else, other people were seeing the changes.
Last edited by Meghan; 08/02/1403:29 AM.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I can see your changes from here! Would you consider making sure he saw you in a thong today? Or would you just go about your business being awesome?
I drove almost eight hundred miles today through intermittent rain storms of varying intensity with my three kids in the back. It was the perfect metaphor for this journey we're all on. Sometimes it was just overcast, which is great driving weather; and when that happened, sometimes the kids (the inner voices) were noisy and at odds with each other, and sometimes they were quiet. Some of the time I drove through downpours but could see clear sky ahead or to either side, and sometimes it was a gentle rain. Sometimes I got through a deluge to find that the scenery had completely changed, that I'd left mountains and leafy trees to travel through flat pine-lined roads.
That's where you're at for a while. The weather is shifting around you, but your responsibility is to not crash the car. keep up the good work!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell: Right now, I'm more inclined towards general awesomeness and working on me (although awesomeness has included some wearing of nicer things recently, so the thong thing's not totally out of the picture - it's nice to feel like I look good and I'm making the most of the results of the "my marriage is in trouble diet").
The more I act awesome, the better I genuinely feel, even if it started as an act - fake it 'til you make it, I guess. Dancing around the apartment to classic rock, singing out loud, wearing nice clothes and makeup, and taking care of all the things that need taking care of around here have left me feeling a lot better about myself and a lot more able to cope. Gotta keep this up.
I really like your excellent trip metaphor. It's so easy to lose sight of the big picture and the whole journey, particularly when it feels like you're battling heavy weather and just trying to stay on the road. I'm trying very hard not to crash, and paying attention to what I need to do to stay on the road. I'm also keeping an eye open for upcoming things that could knock me off course a bit. I'm really going to put in a lot of effort to keep up these things when H. is back, because even from here I can see how easy it would be to fall back into old patterns. And, if nothing else, I like this version of me a whole lot better.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Maybell: Right now, I'm more inclined towards general awesomeness and working on me (although awesomeness has included some wearing of nicer things recently, so the thong thing's not totally out of the picture - it's nice to feel like I look good and I'm making the most of the results of the "my marriage is in trouble diet").
The more I act awesome, the better I genuinely feel, even if it started as an act - fake it 'til you make it, I guess. Dancing around the apartment to classic rock, singing out loud, wearing nice clothes and makeup, and taking care of all the things that need taking care of around here have left me feeling a lot better about myself and a lot more able to cope. Gotta keep this up.
I love everything about this! In the really bad months, I started buying bra and panty sets just to feel sexy for myself.
It sounds like you are rocking GAL. Way to go!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Journaling: I managed a few days of feeling relatively okay, but H. comes back tomorrow and I fell apart a bit this afternoon. I'm still angry and frustrated, but also sad and upset. Despite all of the things that have happened, I miss my husband and want to save my marriage. Thinking of the good times and the idea that this could be over are both really hard.
I don't know what will happen when he gets back. After three weeks of almost no contact, I don't know what to say to him. I don't even know if I want to be here when he gets in or not. It feels like I'm going back to feeling like every decision is make or break, which is really not a good place for me to be. Hopefully being aware of it will help keep me from going there.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
keep up the good work!