[/b] Just so I am clear, are you suggesting she may be bi-polar? OR are you saying she's at the age for MLC? OR both? And also, how does that affect your choices in this situation?
In other words, is the A more understandable to you if she is bi-polar? (I know some bi-polar women act out that way).
Would the "diagnosis" change your course of action?
I think its both honestly, but even if it were one or the other .. even neither... it does not change how I feel nor what I would do. At this point I can not control what she does, nor will I ever be able to, I can only worry about me and try to be the H she would be foolish to let go.
I have spent the time we have been seperated working on me, I lost about 20 lbs ... better job, I DJ'd 3 nights a week (Thurs/Fri/Sat) and I dropped all but the Friday nights ... still paying off some bills with that gig (This was a sore spot as it left her alone alot ... I have apologized for this and know it was a mistake to be gone) So one difference if you were to reconcile, would be that Her love language of time together, would be "spoken" more b/c you'd make more time for her?
And you feel certain you have communicated this to her?
I dropped 2 nights when I was under the impression we were trying to reconcile (OM still in the picture and I didnt know) I have told her all those nights I was away thinking I was giving her the $$ she wanted when all she really wanted was me there is one of my biggest regrets. So I think I have been fairly clear on this.
So now I have taken a stance to not apologize or engage in talks about the past .. she loves to rehash ... and I just dont see the point.
I hear you and a lot of MC's just rehash and then cement all the problems in one's head. But the Spouse who was unhappy enough to leave to have a PA, needs some reassurances that if they return, the marriage will not revert to what it was.
They won't come home unless they believe the marriage they left, can be better/different than before. So how are you demonstrating that?
[color:#009900]I have changed, temper is better, not completely as I slip here and there but its been better and me going to IC was a big part of showing her I am trying to change me ... without broadcasting it. I go on saturdays and she usually asks me how it went, what we talked about .. I don't really let her into this part much and just tell her I am working on things and its not an overnight fix. (Alot of my IC is about how to find the identity I lost .... the anger thing seems more her fabrication as I allowed her to press my buttons and had no exit strategy .. I use that tactic now and its helped
Also, next time she brings up the past, you can adopt one of the following "mantras" that tends to help things, without escalating. Just some suggestions.
Example 1 is when she brings up something painful to HER, which may have at least a thread of validity in it.
"W, I'm sorry I hurt you. IF I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Example 2 is for when she brings up something you do not recall at all, or very differently.
"W, wow I don't recall it that way at all - but I"m sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Example 3 is when she brings up something that you have discussed ad nauseum and which you are certain you have already apologized for AND worked on changing...(so she can feel assured it will not happen again, which is a legit desire of hers)
"W, I know we've discussed this before & I've said I"m sorry about that. But I am happy about the changes I've made and now I'm just working on creating a better present and future. How are YOU doing these days?" [/color] Wow, GREAT advice and something that I will start using NOW ... this forum is what I really needed, just wish I was here months ago .. may be to late but I am not throwing it in just yet.
she has been texting me all day telling me about her work, the stress she is under and I have replied with the validation tips from this site.
Good for you. Some will advise differently about what approach to take when an OM is around, but read the Div Busting/Div Remedy books and find what is authentic for YOU to do with this.
My DB coach said to "Listen like a lover" (validate/support, show interest) and I found that it helped A LOT.
Granted, if the topics had been inappropriate, like h complaining about OW, I would not have done that.
But when h shared about work or interpersonal family issues, I definitely wanted to bond with him. And I did and it did help. He felt more relaxed around me and in time, we built on that.
I will keep adding as we go as that seems to be the way things work here .. thanks for the site and the ear.
Keep up the good work.
I am going to post a letter next, and you see IF any of it resonate with you.
It may not, but reflect on it, okay? It's just to help you see what role you played in this, if any. [/quote]
Thank you 25yearsmlc , that letter did touch home and one I will need to read a few times ... this thick skull of mine, hard to unlearn all the bad traits that have piled up over the years.
I do and have taken responsibility for my part in this .. even told her as much last night ... interesting part of that conversation .. and a topic she has brought up a few times as of late. I think she has noticed mt 180's ... she stated last night as she was starting to get upset that now I have fixed some of the issues that someone else gets to reap those benefits that I learned at her expense .... I used to firs back "That could be you" but I have long since stopped saying that and just let it go. I read somewhere here the WAW doesn't really want me but hates the idea of be being with someone else ... I did assure her there was no one as I am concentrating on me and still have alot of work to do but I am happy with my progress so far.
Great stuff and letter. I can relate. My WAW for the last 6 months or so of our marriage would complain about the things that were lacking, flowers, romance, love notes, etc. I would do those things and then fade off. She shared when she left that I would do those things just so she could get close enough again, only to then have me stop doing them once she got close. So I see the logic and how the heart can harden with time.
I can say that I can't say that I felt blindsided by her dropping the bomb that she wanted to separate. A part of me had been drifting away by some of my needs not being met either. I found reasons in myself to blame her for me withdrawing (seems pretty common) and it was justified in my eyes at times too.
When my wife and I separated, I went on a full court press to win her back and while it worked initially, a wise female told me that it was actually doing more damage because those were the things she wanted all along.
In many ways, I tried harder when I lost her and I could see how females can look at it as a game. Gaining that trust back and willingness to give it a chance unfortunately won't happen until she is ready no matter what we do. The more we push, the faster they run. It hurts like hell because even detached, most of us LBS want nothing more for reconciliation.
I was doing well today, happy with wishing her a good day and leaving and not engaging. She had been texting me around lunch for the past few days (Just sharing work talk and I was validating and doing well) ... today nothing till about an hour ago asking if I was going to be at the free mediation consultation at 6. (Phone call last night was not wonderful but I did not slip and argue with her) I guess deep down I was hoping she was going to text me telling me she cancelled the appt. I wonder if the call last night was her way of wanting me to talk her out of it ... I know I know .. I am thinking about it to much. I only replied that I had one errand to run, pick up our S and I would be there at 6 .. her reply was a "Ok Thanks" Ugh
I am going to need some help to get through this mediation thing with a cool head ... I know they are set up like a fast food chain and couldn't care about the lives that are being destroyed as long as they can sell their flat rate fee. I will put on the poker face and get through but I hope the finality of it all gets to her. She seems to be on the fence a bit lately ... but her pride will hinder her actually admitting she is making a mistake.
Detaching won't happen over night. It's a skill that needs to be fine tuned with experience. So, don't be so hard on yourself when it's not coming or happening as you'd like. They'll be slip ups but just get right back on the saddle and continue.
I agree with Rayzzz that flaunting your idea to move in with a female friend did nothing to help your cause. It may have boosted your ego to see her reaction to it but then what? You only reinforced that you are not a safe spot to land. We don't do things to purposely get a reaction from them like making them jealous, especially. You're a friend that's respecting her autonomy and freedom to make up her own mind not an enemy who's taking every opportunity available to jab at her. Next time you want to say/share something consider if it will bring her closer to you or push her away. If you find the urge to blurt something out of feelings, check yourself because it may be resentment trying to make it's way to the surface.
Consider going to a counselor if you haven't/don't already. Work out your issues in a safe, productive manner. And definitely, definitely start on DB coaching to get solid advice from the experts. I just had another one today and it had been three weeks since my last one. A lot of negative stuff crept up and made a home in my head in those three weeks. Talking with Chuck help get me back on track. Even with the possibility/reality of OW he was able to get me focused and solution oriented again. I use him for R advice and I see my IC for me.
Thank you 25yearsmlc , that letter did touch home and one I will need to read a few times ... this thick skull of mine, hard to unlearn all the bad traits that have piled up over the years.
WHILE it's hard to "Unlearn" bad habits, it's also harder to do it if you have no positive role models. Do you have any? If you do, talk to them! IF not, find some. It's so much easier to make the changes stick when you know what TO DO, as opposed to just knowing what Not To Do, (which many of us learned as kids when we saw our parents fight, retreat, not communicate and NOT resolve conflicts,)
...so a lot of us know what NOT to do, but what we all need as much, is to learn how to handle things that come up in life, with a healthy loving approach.
Life throws more curve balls at some couples than others; and some couples are subsidized financially or emotionally, by their families, in ways that greatly lessen the every day tensions. So it's not how many conflicts we face, but how many we resolve, that matters.
I do and have taken responsibility for my part in this .. even told her as much last night ... interesting part of that conversation .. and a topic she has brought up a few times as of late. I think she has noticed mt 180's ... she stated last night as she was starting to get upset that now I have fixed some of the issues that someone else gets to reap those benefits that I learned at her expense ....
Understood^^. NO WOMAN is going to enjoy the idea that her mate has, for instance, finally decided to "make time" for a r, but not with HER...and IF she believes the changes are real AND that they will last, it'll be awfully difficult not to wonder about her choice to leave. (And you want her to wonder...a lot.) Being annoyed at the start, is no reason she won't second guess her choice to leave and you want that second guessing!
I used to firs back "That could be you" but I have long since stopped saying that and just let it go. You can express understanding of her frustration. Your words herein were self deprecating and that's not a bad tone to take. You can say "Well, better late than never...??" OR "I wish I'd made these changes earlier too, b/c I LIKE who I'm becoming, but all I can do is go from this day forward..."
and then drop it. But validating her commentary seems appropriate, b/c it sounds valid, don't you think?
I read somewhere here the WAW doesn't really want me but hates the idea of be being with someone else ... Wow, Stop mind reading. How can someone apply a clause like that in the statement above, ^^^ and project it onto other couples? Yikes! I've never seen such a sweeping and dangerously negative presumption here.
WAWs' don't generally want to see their h's with OWS, but we don't KNOW if they want their h's back or if they want their h's back changed, or what.
EACH situation is different - even when they have things in common, there are NO "one size fits all" generalizations.
I did assure her there was no one as I am concentrating on me and still have alot of work to do but I am happy with my progress so far.
I suggest you not even bring up the concept of OWs. Just stay in your sandbox working on you, and monitor for results.
Sounds as if you have had some positives in your situation.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I regret letting the possible female roomate out of the bag .. she asked and I told her ... I think I am not going to move for other reasons and will try to atleast slip it into a conversation just to try to remove that nugget.
I have been seeing an IC and its been going well, she is helping me deal with finding my own identity and stopping the overthinking things out of my control.
So we went to the free mediation appointment (I just got home actually) I actually will chalk this up as a minor victory for me. I arrived early as usual with my son ... she was there a little early for her but appeared visibly nervous/on edge. I actually printed out the 37 rules and was reading them just to get myself in a more controlled state given the circumstances. She asked what I was reading and I just told her something I need to read and left it at that, then I put it away and asked her how her day was .... she was short and out of habit but not really looking like she wanted to talk asked me how my day was .. I told her it was a good day and shared a pretty funny story that had happened .... she was taken back .. I think she expected me to be hostile during the meeting and I was actually being pleasant .. not overly happy .. but just in a good place and content. Meeting went as I thought ... just some basic info and rates and what to expect ... and we left. I put my son in the car and turned to her and told her goodbye and to drive safe ... she gave me a weird reaction then said "What we are not going to talk about this?" I calmly replied ... "Not right now I need to get our S home, fed and showered we can discuss later" and off I went .... She was mad ... not sure why .. I think she may have been looking for a fight to justify the separation ... how knows .. I was not going to let it get to me. Baby Steps
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
