I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[Eatsma]

Hey - those are good starts. I like your list.

You've got it written down here. Is it somewhere in your house where you can refer to it?

Addiction stinks. Sounds like you know it. Sounds like you're dealing with it. Good for you.

You're working on you. I like it a lot.

Good luck.

[DBinSF]

Jeez.. I REALLY need to stay off Facebook. I look at photos of her about 25% of the time and it just tears my heart out -- all the ways I hurt that loving and lovable woman.

Will I ever forgive myself and move on?

[Maybell]

Start with where you are. Don't try to eat the elephant or you will crash. What you've already got is a good list.

There are many other things you COULD do, but at some point you'll feel like all you're doing is focusing on your weaknesses. Identify your strengths and beef those up too. They're just as much a part of you.

[DBinSF]

Ha. That's what my shrink said today too... "Focus on your strengths. Build from there."

[Eatsma]

Great advice. Hard when you're having a hard time seeing your own strengths, but as Maybell points out - don't try to eat the whole elephant.

I've got some journaling to do!

Seriously - good luck DB. At the very, very least, know that you're making yourself a better man, and how could that be a bad thing?

[Maybell]

25years, if you get a chance could you please check out a new poster 2times2many? She is in a unique position and needs someone with your precise skill set to help her work through her thought process.

Thanks!

[MrBond]

"What else can I do? "

The main thing you can do is to stop asking "what else can I do".

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you, MLP. I honor your story and everything you're going through. I have two good friends here in the Bay Area who have undergone similar betrayals with men who have not had ANY remorse and simply moved on with their OW. I know from their stories just how deep that rupture can be.

I'm trying to begin to look at this entire experience as an opportunity for me to FINALLY learn to be the man she (or anyone) could trust. To be the man who gets affirmation from WITHIN, rather than from anything bright, shiny, and new.

I'm 2.5 months out from D-Day. Not very long, yet an eternity. And I'm FINALLY at the point where I'm ready to ask, "What is the work I need to do?" rather than "How do I get her back?"
What does it look like? What is the "the work" I do tomorrow morning? Or tonight? Or in my interactions with my clients?

This ^^^ is a breakthrough, one which I hope you'll follow through with...


Right now, it looks like this:
- Zero Coping Behaviors (aside from Facebook and LOTS of calls to my support network), so no drugs, dating, sex, porn, masturbation, or shopping, and nothing more than social drinking.


Since I"m Not familiar with the SAA rules, I'm not sure about the reasons for all of these prohibitions. So please pardon my ignorance, but what's with "No shopping"? I mean, Are you a person who shops in a bad way? And What is it about "self service" that creates problems for you?

- Daily Meditation and Rituals (15 min Vipassana and reciting a "Live Honorably" thing I wrote, dedicated to be ancestors)
- Therapy 2X weekly
- 12 Step (Alanon and SAA) as often as I can go
- Daily calls with my sponsors in each program
- Support to two female friends who have been betrayed and left by their partners


These ^^ seem like good ideas and habits.


Are there other practices you all recommend? Daily readings? Special retreats? I'm going full-court-press on this.

YES ---for while you are not in a couple (which would then mean I'd suggest Retrovaille)

but as an individual, I highly recommend a personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") which is in Philadelphia, PA. It is an amazing LIFE CHANGING experience.

It's not to confused with other programs that have similar names, -- this one in Philadelphia is THE workshop I'm referring to. A PhD runs it, a well regarded PhD designed it with several other family therapists, and the "team" that helps, is well qualified to aid people going through it.

It's a workshop for individuals who have baggage or obstacles that are hindering them in relationships, or their careers, and or, who simply want to gain clarity in their lives, with a "plan of action" and support.

It's deep & profound and yes, life changing. I've been to 3-4 different workshops and retreats, and can say without reservation that EE is the best one out there.

Also it is in alignment with Div Busting principles.
That's mainly b/c it is solution based, NOT all about your childhood history and just rehashing the past or feeling victimized by others.

I'm a bit concerned that with your "addict's mind" you may overly label things in a way that makes it seem as if you are not responsible for your choices, and you know as we do, that you are.

Make sense?


I will NEVER be happy if I don't dig this out at the root. I will NEVER honor the pain I have caused this woman if I don't do the work on myself.


True, so don't forget to do the work...

Should I write a blog post about the affair and post it for all the world to see?

NO. When you make amends you are told NOT to make amends "When it could injure others" and that is what a PUBLIC announcement would do. It's a ploy to get rid of your guilt at HER expense. The more people who know of your cheating, the worse it is for HER (and your chances of a reconciliation EVER).

You are trying to get rid of your discomfort. You want YOUR PAIN to end...

Learn to sit with your pain awhile so you don't go off and "DO SOMETHING!!"...sometimes the best thing to do is sit on your ass, STFU & THINK.

Should I come clean and apologize publicly?


NO --- and see above for why and PLEASE post here BEFORE you do or say or write anything to her or about her or in public, Seriously....like I said, none of know for sure how to get your gf back IF it is possible but we ALL know ways you can blow your chances for good, so use us a resource BEFORE you do that, okay?.



Should I own it and provide some resource for other men who might be thinking of straying?

What else can I do?

Thank you,
DB

I think posting here about how you feel, and what you have lost, and what you are learning about yourself and life, can have value.

But that is service to others, not a tactic to "get her back" --- b/c as you say above, and I Hope you will recall it often,

it's not about getting her back, it's about You becoming a man who could deserve a woman like her coming back.

See the difference?

[Ss06]

25yearsmlc, is it too soon in our relationship for me to say ILY? Because I do. I aspire to think like you and find myself saying, "hmmm, she'd totally call me on this right now. Ok, let's not do that."

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc, is it too soon in our relationship for me to say ILY? Because I do. I aspire to think like you and find myself saying, "hmmm, she'd totally call me on this right now. Ok, let's not do that."

aw shucks, ain't nothing others didn't give me some years back...

So I'll see u on your thread!!