now she needs to see that that man also has healthy limits and boundaries, and values himself enough to even possibly lose her over them if she doesn't end what she's doing.
This^
And keep in mind, she may not come back. That is the reason for learning to do things for yourself, and to become the better person for yourself.
Update on my past week...my W and I spoke on Sunday morning about the A and her lying (see past posts). I went out that night and saw some friends. The next night I went out again, but she called me to ask where I was. I told her I was running errands (I actually was) and seeing some friends. She asked if we could talk. So I went home. She got mad at me for linking in with some of her work friends (I had done this recently in case I needed to contact them to verify things my wife had said). She was very upset by this and asked if I was trying to get her fired.
She calmed down and she went off about the changes that I had made and how she was upset that it took her saying that she wanted a divorce for me to change. She continued to say that she doubts my changes will stick and that breaking into her phone demonstrated the life that lies ahead for her: a man who controls her. I reiterated that I am committed to this M, to our family and to our kids. But we need to have an honest and open marriage with no secrets in order to move forward. I did not “accuse” of the affair. I wanted to stay away from anything getting emotional.
Wednesday she called me as she was on her way to the airport. She had been planning to fly out Thursday and do a day trip, but her meetings were moved up to 8am, so she needed to leave early. She said work was stressing her out and that she needed a vacation. She texted me when she landed and even facetimed with the kids and me. She caught an early flight back Thursday and asked if I wanted to go to yoga with her. I should have GAL’ed but I said yes. After yoga, we sat and talked on the porch about life in general, nothing about our R. She talked more about NYC and why she likes it there but also said that NYC without kids is not reality. She knows where we live now is the best place for the kids. She said maybe she would do this job until the end of the year and then try to be more Boston based after that.
Saturday she was out with my D all day, and I was out with my S. I took him to the Red Sox game but then met my W for a concert with my D (my D wanted me to go). I did not want to disappoint her. My W and I did not sit/stand near each other. Sunday she went out early with the dog. I did not ask where she was. When she got back, she asked if I wanted to go to Yoga with her later in the day. Again, I decided to say yes. Maybe I should not have but it did allow us to just somewhat connect. We talked about the stress triggers in our life: kids, work, schedules, dog, a fairly incompetent nanny, etc..
So did I fully detach? Nope. But I did a little bit. Frankly, it is so hard to detach from someone whom I love so much. Did I GAL a bit? Yes. I went out a couple of nights. Did I buy some new cologne and some new clothes? Yes.
What lies ahead this week...I am taking my dad to dinner tonight so will be late. Tomorrow I may go out but need to connect with a friend about it. Wednesday I believe that she is traveling to NYC and Thursday I have a work party. Friday my W leaves for Colorado on a trip for a surprise 40th for a friend (I know this is not a lie). So we won't see each other this much this week anyway, which will give her the space that she needs.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I'm glad you guys are keeping things calm and civil, especially around the kids. Just an immediate pointer (that I think you already know):
That's THREE TIMES in just one week where she called, and you immediately responded -- including an "can we R talk?" request. It's important for you to NOT be at her beckon call during this stage! Mix it up -- respond occasionally, especially if it's a "me and the kids are doing ______, would you like to join us?" thing. But to her first "can we talk?" you should have replied "Not a good time; how about (and then suggest day after tomorrow)?" You are busy GALing, and not waiting around for her . . . remember?
Also, this is several times now that your wife has indicated that she's afraid you're going to "lord it (her affair) over her" if she returns to the marriage. Somehow, you have got to simultaneously continue to enforce your strong boundaries about being in a marriage where she is in contact with another man and then lying about it, WHILE communicating a CREDIBLE stance of "I can forgive your affair, if only you would end it -- now -- and come back and work on the marriage with me."
Right now, I see a woman whose OM is Plan A, and who is trying to keep her husband placated as her Plan B.
Finally, when she brings up her being angry that "NOW you make these changes!" . . . OWN THAT CHIT. "I know, I understand -- it shouldn't have taken the threat of a divorce for me to hear you, and to make some of the changes I know I need to make. All I can tell you is I GET IT, and I HEAR you, and at this point I'm making these changes for ME because I know there are things I need to work on in my next relationship. I HOPE that's with you, in some sort of brand-new marriage, but I'm intent on doing this regardless."
Or something like that, or even much shorter.
I can't stress to you enough, at this stage your wife needs to feel like she's losing you as her fallback position. She needs to feel a sense of "Oh crap, I've gone too far, Sho is NOT on board with this anymore, and he even seems to be capable of being the kind of husband I've been wanting, but he is NOT going to hang around forever while I figure this stuff out."
I don't see her feeling AT ALL that she may lose you. Now, she may not CARE if she does -- that's all going to depend on what kind of husband you were before, what kind of shared history you two legitimately have, and what her reaction is to everything you did for that 6-7 weeks during your "Show her a Better Sho" phase. But it's also your only shot.
Finally, when she brings up her being angry that "NOW you make these changes!" . . . OWN THAT CHIT. "I know, I understand -- it shouldn't have taken the threat of a divorce for me to hear you, and to make some of the changes I know I need to make. All I can tell you is I GET IT, and I HEAR you, and at this point I'm making these changes for ME because I know there are things I need to work on in my next relationship. I HOPE that's with you, in some sort of brand-new marriage, but I'm intent on doing this regardless."
Quote:
I responded just like this. She gets it.
And I hear you about GALing and not responding. I need to be stronger about that.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
It seems like you and I are dealing with same kinda stuff except my W and I are not sleeping in the same bed.
I like the advice Starsky is giving you. Now How to implement it better is the problem I have said all those things to my W that you said above and it just seems to make her madder.
Starsky, Maybe you could take a look at my thread and see how my and Sho's sitchs are the same and how they are different and offer some advice to me?
Sho, Sorry again for crashing.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Agree, I need to set my boundaries. I am not around tonight. Tomorrow I plan to go see a friend so I won't be around either. Today, I also told my W that I am booking a vacation with our kids in two weeks. She is taking off the following week and said she had not planned to be out for that week (would be two weeks out of the office if she did). I just want to show her that life is moving on with or without her.
What has changed in things she has said to me...she no longer wants to move to NYC. She said if she were single or if it was just the two of us, she would go. But with kids, that is a different story. She said it is not the right move for them. She also commented that her company has not provided her with a relo package and she knows they won't offer much more money, so it is not worth it.
What does this mean to me? I have no idea, so I won't even begin to project or try to get in her head. What I am writing this here then? Just to document it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
GALing and detaching has been very hard. No matter how much I try, I think about my W. At the work party last night, which my W did not attend, everyone was asking about her, commenting about my kids (who were not there but the people have met them many times) and how great my family is. All I wanted to do was cry. I kept thinking about her. It s*cks.
any advice out there? I know I need to move forward, but I am struggling. I know I need to detach, but I think about her and all of the fun we have all of the time. I look at her and want to hug her. Pathetic.... since she had or is having an A.
Where I struggle is by detaching, I feel like I am giving up on us.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I'm sorry, sho -- I can feel your pain oozing from your post. This makes me really sad for you and especially for your kids.
I'm not sure I have any specific advice I can give you, as to be honest I cannot relate. While I still loved my wife and wanted to reconcile while she was having her affair, I felt a lot more ANGER than I did wanting to hug her. Maybe it was the daily intel I was monitoring, but I had a much harder time with the "loving" half of "loving detachment" than I did the "detachment" part.
But you are NOT giving up by detaching! It is simultaneously the best way to protect YOURSELF while also giving you the best chance of re-attracting your wife. "Moving on" does NOT equal "giving up."
While I still loved my wife and wanted to reconcile while she was having her affair, I felt a lot more ANGER than I did wanting to hug her. Maybe it was the daily intel I was monitoring, but I had a much harder time with the "loving" half of "loving detachment" than I did the "detachment" part.
Same here.
Find the anger. Embrace it. And fight for your M and family, sho.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I felt a lot more ANGER than I did wanting to hug her. Maybe it was the daily intel I was monitoring, but I had a much harder time with the "loving" half of "loving detachment" than I did the "detachment" part.
Man, do I relate to this. I feel like the loving half is impossible but because of that I'm learning so much about myself and my tendencies. So the only way in know how to detach us to be cold and angry? I can do better and so can you!!
