Thanks Starsky. As always, appreciate the support.
I keep debating if I should go ahead and file D. Honestly, with H's latest about face it feels like a clear sign where his head is really at.
And I'm just sick of the whole thing. Not that D will make it any better but at least then we'd clearly be on a path and not this continuous reconcile/not reconcile roller coaster.
Also, I feel like I'm being played a fool right now.
If the current situation is a dealbreaker for you, that's something only you can decide. However I don't think you are seeing the "current situation" accurately.
Is it a dealbreaker for you if your husband is working in the same office as OW, not in any romantic contact with her or EA in any way, but he is failing to show remorse and failing to take the steps necessary -- at a pace fast enough -- to make you feel comfortable in the marriage?
Or is it only a dealbreaker if they have resumed their affair?
I did send him a text yesterday and he replied kindly. Then I asked him if he wanted to get together for lunch (Wonka also suggested) and he declined. He's really, really pulling back. I just have a sick feeling, Maybell. Things are different and I'm tired of the back and forth. He has been on again/off again with reconciling since day one. It's been nearly 5 months of this back and forth.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
It's definitely a dealbreaker if they've resumed the affair.
I'm undecided if it's a dealbreaker if he's just not moving fast enough for me. As I've said, it's been back and forth with him since day one. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it and as more time passes I keep thinking that it's becoming less and less likely that he's going to fully turn.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
That sounds like stinkin' thinkin' to me. You're making a lot of assumptions and you're focusing on him rather than yourself. There is a new dynamic in play (is this the 2nd or 3rd week she's in the office) and it has its own timetable.
If resuming the affair is a definite dealbreaker for you, that's fine. But shouldn't you be absolutely sure that is what's happening before you pull out the cannon?
If you're undecided as to whether his pace is a dealbreaker for you then that's a different thing. Look at the timelines of the people around you. You are FOUR MONTHS OUT from discovering the affair. You are barely three months into your separation (not counting the failed reconciliation). You two have yo-yo'd all over the place in a really short period of time.
How much time is your marriage worth? The average that's cited around here is one month of reconciliation for every year of marriage. I know you're really upset and just want the pain to end, but you've really got to put things in perspective. From what I can tell you haven't taken the time to focus on yourself and find your center. You're largely just reacting to things. Don't make life decisions while you're in this mental place.
I hope your ADs start kicking in soon (they did miracles for me) and that today plays out better than it started. I'm sure Wonka and Starsky have the best course of action for you but I am behind you and wish you the best. Just remember, marathon not a sprint.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
It's definitely a dealbreaker if they've resumed the affair.
I'm undecided if it's a dealbreaker if he's just not moving fast enough for me. As I've said, it's been back and forth with him since day one. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it and as more time passes I keep thinking that it's becoming less and less likely that he's going to fully turn.
OK fair enough. But think long and hard on this, because from where I'm sitting it's highly likely that he's in the second scenario up there, as much as you're frantically worrying that he's in the first. ^^
So glad at least I've learned to post here before making any rash moves. That's progress from before.
Regardless, I'm going to continue with my plans to do plenty of GAL and beef up on my home maintenance skills, both worthwhile no matter what. Have a friend who's a master gardener coming next week to help me with a yard maintenance plan!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
