There are some common patterns with those who have MLC. most of them had inadequate childhoods, and at least one emotionally unavailable parent (usually two as one loving parent is enough) This gives rise to a lot of problems. Their coping skills are focused on surviving emotionally as children and they usually fail to develop the flexibility of character to cope with the big stuff life throws at them further down the line.
Paradoxically they can appear to be very upright and good people pre-MLC That is their coping strategy, to be 'good' Then it doesn't work any more. Others here have a history of drug use and over-drinking as strategies, and some are revealed to have had a string of affairs.
Whatever it is, the coping mechanism no longer works, and they reject their former life and plunge towards a saviour.
I think it is the more rigid characters who remain stuck in MLC: those who say, at any point, 'is there something the matter with ME' may be the ones who come through it all.
This isn't the whole MLC story, but it is a short narrative which might help.
My H recognizes his mom's coldness is an issue with HIM as an adult. He even called himself "too needy" shortly after BD #2.
(He recalls vividly when she was leaving the house in a hurry one day. She backed over and killed the dog. She rushed inside and yelled : "someone come get the dog- I killed it. I'm running late to work!)
Whoa.
Keep being a fabulous mom, GB! It's the most important thing we can do, I think!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
My h mum is cold to emotion, except she hugs, goodbye and hello.
She buried her best mate of 40+ years " it's just another day and its a part of life " with nil nada blank emotion even cold could have been said of her. She was completely shut down, the talk was even far removed from normal. It was bizarre looking in from outside.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Gb I am there with you. I find it so hard to wrap my head around the fact that h thinks it is so easy to move on.
My h and OW used the same words. I broke him. She is going to fix him. She saved him. Notice how there is no action on h's part. He is a non-participant in his life.
I know from experience that the allure of being a savior can be powetful. I met h a year after his divorce from w1. I believed what he said about her. She never believed in him. She beat him down. Blah blah blah. At the time I didn't know anything about codependent relationship.
I find it odd that OW kicked her h out many years ago for his drinking and now is with h and believes him when he says he only drinks because of me and will stop for her. Clearly she is just as deluded as him. And she admits that h is in mlc. What does she think that makes her.
In your case I don't know if gf is deluded/blinded... she is just not developed yet. She doesn't have enough life experience to really see what is in front of her.
Your attitude and positive thinking will help you and the kids come out the other side of this ok.
Wonka it was helpful to read your perspective . It sheds light on some very confusing things.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
So, Wonka, how do you think you can tell the difference between those with real internal angst who seek ow, or those who have ow ready and willing? Do you think there is a combination of both sometimes?
None. All MLCers experience internal angst in some fashion and how it's externally expressed is very individualistic to each MLCer.
It doesn't matter if they have OW ready and willing or seek them out. This is just simply semantics. The outcome is the same however you slice it: Acquiring OW/OM.
Originally Posted By: beatrice
There are some common patterns with those who have MLC. most of them had inadequate childhoods, and at least one emotionally unavailable parent (usually two as one loving parent is enough) This gives rise to a lot of problems. Their coping skills are focused on surviving emotionally as children and they usually fail to develop the flexibility of character to cope with the big stuff life throws at them further down the line.
It is not always that case. In my situation, I felt powerless, helpless, and deeply wounded when my parents divorced at the age of 11. It was an acrimonious divorce in which I had a front seat to some of the nasty stuff that tore me apart emotionally.
At the onset of my MLC, my coping skills began to break down imperceptibly and then its a downward spiral from that point and on until I began to come out of the fog in starting the reintegration process. I was a kitty kitten MLCer and I think a lot of the kitty kitten MLCers do get to the other side quite successfully.
I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.
Wonka - I did say that the inadequate parenting isn't a universal! And interestingly (and sadly) you did have a late childhood trauma (divorce) that impaired your coping skills.
I believe most people who have a MLc have poor coping skills, usually from their childhood, one way or another.
I do know one poster who had a pretty mean MLCer who worked though it - however he wasn't mean for a very long period.
I think the very mean ones have particularly bad coping skills
H's girlfriend says she has rescued him and h says she saved him. Yet, he says he cannot stand to be alone. I realize there is no answer to the unanswerable, however, is this just distraction? She rescued him from responsibilities? Fatherhood? Does someone going through MLC really think they get a do over on their life?
Apparently, as that has been the going theme from my H. He has said time and time again how he needs to "wipe the slate clean" and "needs a fresh start". He has to start from scratch and that's why the D is so detremental.. he needs it NOW. The OW in my case is exactly that.. someone to "rescue him" from the responsibilities a husband and father typically have. She is the polar opposite of me. Divorced, no kids, financially and I'm sure in other ways irresponsible (did a background check which revealed numerous liens and judgments against her). So she is nothing but a good time since nothing phases her. No ounce of responsibility necessary when hangin' with her, yet he comes home and there's bills that need to be paid, kids that need to be raised, a house that needs to be kept. Who wants that when you can just press a button and it all goes away and all that's left is fun!
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
I find this discussion very interesting. I do find Wonka's evaluation of who can make it out the other side sad ad my h is definitely one of the mean ones. It does fit however as he has very poor coping skills and began drinking and using drugs in early teens. When things got very stressful that is what he returned to.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I have yet to see a Jekyll/Hyde MLCer to come out of this process to the other side. I think they're too stuck, too angry at the world, and too self-righteous to even contemplate on undergoing some introspection. Oh my! That would turn their "reason" for leaving upside down and they'd have to admit that they're wrong. Nope. Not happening. Their ego-filled pride prevents them from doing so. Unfortunately.
Deep down I fear that this is my H. He is too prideful to admit he's wrong. I wonder what category my MLCer falls in, the Jekyll/Hyde, the meek or somewhere in between. He definitely was Jekylle and Hyde after BD, and now has mellowed out but I'm so early on that I'm not sure what he'll remain as.
One thing I do wonder about Wonka is the MLCer that flip flop with what they want vs. those that remain consistent with their desire to go. So far in every reconciliation story I've read the MLCer has expressed verbally some form of doubt or confusion as to what they want. They have all said to their W in some form or another that they need time or need to figure things out. The one thing H has been consistent with is only "speaking" about his need to leave but never "speaking" about confusion or uncertainty. He has expressed those thoughts through his actions(#1 sign is hiring an atty 2 months ago but still not filing) but has yet to say those words. Not sure if anyone in his state has ever come out to the other side.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Knowing there isn’t anything we LBS can do to “fix” them, it is still helpful to recognize the coping skills that were not learned early on. Then we can bring that knowledge to ourselves, and inventory our own coping skills. Also, try to do better for our kids for their futures.
My kids are S17, S17, S15 and D13. Old enough to know too much, but too young to have to.
My S17, was the lucky guy that had to walk police officers into the MB where H was passed out after an OD/ suicide attempt. S17 can’t unsee that.
The kids have asked me things like, “Why does this happen to people?” and (scarier) “Will this happen to me?”
I tell them I certainly hope not. They all see IC, but there isn't any guarantee that it will be enough.
I think the thing for me, is to have the awareness that I must continue to teach my kids where their happiness is found, inside. Be an example through this crisis, that we can cope, and we will be happy, regardless of external circumstances.
I am teaching them not to confuse “pleasure” with “happiness”. Pleasure is put on, temporary. Fleeting. Happiness is a state of being.
I'm teaching them to recognize the signs of depression, which can be vastly different in men than commonly thought. And to remember to never be ashamed to ask for help.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
