My confusing story

[Atsbaby]

Thanks ss06.

I'm feeling sad that I don't get to talk or see that side of the family. MIL is pro marriage and last I talked with her she said she was praying for a miracle.

I'm struggling to detach. I did good over the weekend, and really enjoyed that he wasnt happy with me not being my "normal self."

I think because I see him everyday and I'm struggling to get away, because of the kids. S10 has football practice 3 nights a week. I take him and H meets us there, but then comes to our house for an hour or so before going wherever.

Last night, at practice he would joke with me and talk to me about the practice (football is his life, which is part of our problem), but he did struggle at times with eye contact. Side note: I set up a boundary that if he was to have a conversation with me then we had to have eye contact...this was before I found db and realized the shame or guilt he was feeling. H even used my nickname when he talked with me, which I was taking as a good sign, another baby step.

When we got to the cars, I asked if he was coming back to the house to have dinner with us and he said he would come back to the house, but he had a big lunch (lost eye contact, so he lied). Whatever...

When I got home, I quickly ate and then left to take the dog for a walk. When I got back, unfortunately H was curled on the couch with D. He stayed for another 15 minutes, but I tried to avoid him.

Tonight, when we got to practice, I sat away from him around other parents. I tried to ignore him and not look at him. S got injured and H talked to me a few times. Then once again he came home with us. I made dinner and let him talk about football. Then when I finished eating I jumped in the shower. H knocked on bathroom door as soon as I came out of the shower, and then appeared 5 minutes later to tell me about his dad (which is whole other story, but probably the cause of the MLC).

I'm wondering though if H is suffering from MLC. H meets a lot of the criteria and I've been reading on the MLC board, which a lot sounds like him, but lately he hasn't been in the fog, or so it seems. I'm just tired of feeling so confused and lost with him. I know I need to GAL but my schedule currently is making it hard, plus it have the kids ALL the time.

I know, continue to read DR and create a plan for me to enjoy my life...easier said than done!

[Atsbaby]

So I get home tonight from school and the dog runs up to me, I glance up and see H. I have a smile on my face and say hi in a cheerful voice. H says nothing and has this angry look on his face, ok.

I take a deep breath and walk to my bedroom to put up my bag. I had stuff ready for dinner, except the meat, which H had sitting on the counter. I began cooking dinner as H searched through piles of mail for specific stuff. H ignored me and refused to look at me until I called the kids up for dinner.

Out pops Mr. Hyde! H was more quiet at dinner but did talk and joke with the kids, limited contact with me. I began picking up stuff and decided I'd take the dog for an early walk tonight...then H begins telling me about his conversation with uncle and football stuff. I praise him for getting the connection made, and he blows it off.

I'm so tired of these stupid mood swings with me. I'm still trying to detach, but I have noticed the correlation between no sun and sun! I had cloudy days because I do struggle more.

One day at a time...my new mantra!

[Atsbaby]

Today was better for me. I struggled to focus on other things, especially a test that I have due at midnight! Just can't read my boring text book while I'm trying to read other things to fix me and save my marriage.

A friend called me today to check up...I was bad and had been complaining to her, this time I totally stuck to what I was doing and left out all the negatives of H. When we work it out (PMA), I don't want her to have negative feelings about him, plus she's my kids godmother!

The local children's hospital is putting on a health camp, so I signed the kids and I up to go. Unfortunately s football practice got moved to the same times. I had to drop s off at H work. On the way over, I tried to make myself happy and we sang and played games in the car. I was in such a good mood, I'm sure it threw off H!

As my d and I left for the hospital, it was like God was talking to me through the music...I heard Bruno marz never give up and maroon 5's new song map (which is about someone walking away and the lbs following a map that leads back to them...feels like what I'm doing).

When d and I were done, I had to go to another football practice to take team pics for the coach (they practice where s does). I jumped out of my comfort zone and talked to parents of some of the players we had last year...I'm usually the shy quiet parent. Hopefully H saw this.

Once again H came home after practice, I began working on my test and H sat down on the other couch. H began talking to me about work and then about his gagging his ears (yes, I know), but he did surprisingly make a comment that he didn't want to go too big in case he wanted to seal the holes later! I listened intently and validated him. I attempted three times to take the dog on a walk, leaving the conversation first...finally succeeded on third try.

I think I'll count this night as a baby step, especially compared to last night. One day at a time!

[Atsbaby]

Did good today. I had a work meeting for 2 hours...actually can't wait for school to start, too much time to think! I stopped by my moms and helped her with some shopping until my dad brought the kids home from the zoo.

Kids and I decided to rent movies and enjoy ourselves this evening. H came home toward the end of one movie, which was really sad (Heaven is Real...good movie btw). I wasn't my cheery self, but when we switched movies, I made sure to enjoy it, even though I wasn't interested in it. H was in a grumpy mood. No real contact with me or the kids. He finally opened up a little about a training he had tonight and only 2 people showed.

Then about an hour later, H dad called saying he needed to go to the hospital...diabetic who does not take care of himself. Let me tell you how much THAT made H happy!

I wish I could have gone with him to show support, but he did not ask, and I only said let me know if you need anything. Hope this isn't one of Gods ways to work more into H life, cause I think he may break!

[Atsbaby]

Today was good, even though I had to keep reminding myself to NOT think of H.

H never called to tell me about FIL...wasn't really expecting it, but was concerned. Mowed the lawn and then went to my brothers for some family time with them and my kids. Enjoyed playing in the pool, dinner and then rented a few movies ( yes we got more movies after watching the previous ones all night!)

H called kids and briefly talked with them. He called back 5 min later to talk with me. Double checking on time to get them. I said when ever you want them. H then ranted about d getting up late and grumpy if he came too early, blah, blah, blah. I validated and said they would be ready...he seemed to want to pick a fight. Complained how d didn't want to talk with him on the phone...no s***! She wants you at home!!!! I ignored this and took the opportunity to ask about FIL...they sent him home, but then he told me how horrible and off the rest of his day was...I again validated and quickly jumped off the phone.

Until tomorrow....

[Atsbaby]

H looked horrible this morning. I wonder if he's even getting sleep?

I was surprised when he told me he would take the kids shopping for school shoes...what? You want to be an actual parent and not just play with them? Still a little shocked, but very grateful for one load taken off...and I told him that!

[Atsbaby]

Another baby step... Had an exam due Thursday and H asked how I did! Wow...he really wanted to know if I was doing well in school

[Atsbaby]

I was in the shower when the kids arrived home with H. Shortly after I got out, H entered the bedroom. I still hadn't dressed and he remained in there, not really looking, but I'm sure he was using peripheral vision...I guess this is a good sign. It's been 3 1/2 months since we've had sex...not sure about him, but for me it's been too long!

I was able to joke with him and tried to be relaxed around him, being validating and listening to his story about a meeting he had tonight. He seemed very relaxed also, almost like the guy I married.

H says he's been eating healthier, not watching tv and doing homework. I really want to believe him, but I'm still thinking there has to be ow. Who is he talking with about everything else going on in his life, cause it's not me!

Just feeling a little lonely after having a good convo with him. We'll see what tomorrow brings...usually a different guy!

[Atsbaby]

H just end texted me randomly...I usually don't hear from him unless it's regarding the kids, which I have currently!

H: I have a ton of stuff to get accomplished this week. I have 3 coaches to train, parents to train, weigh-ins wed, my team project is due for school & pigskin this weekend...one of those weeks!!! Need to find some stress relief...so be patient with me this week please. I need all the help I can get

What does this mean? H wants my help or just trying to vent?

I was bad and called him. It went to his vm, so I just said I didn't think I could really help him, but if he needed to talk or vent I was available.

Did I do the right thing?

[Atsbaby]

I think I screwed up!

Trying to make H feel less stressed and it went down the wrong path. I should have stopped texting him, but got sucked right into it!

H was asking about ways to de-stress and I told him physical exertion was best (like exercise, running, sex etc.) he then joked about doing it himself, but i didn't respond. Then H responded with "I just can't run out and go get it."

Then my DA says you are still married...which leads into a convo regarding atty and how the courts frown on this, blah, blah, blah.

Then he apologized about being in the bedroom last night when I changed...why can't he just snap out of this funk and come home? I'm trying to be strong but I'm failing miserably. I keep looking at these baby steps and keeping hope only to feel pushed back into my nightmare that is becoming a reality.

I really could use some support and guidance.