I'm back from a long weekend up north by a beautiful lake with my s12, mom and dad, sister, brother and their spouses. We fished, boated, my son tubed, and just had a great time. The weather was perfect. A nice way to get away and do something different.
My s's phone did not get reception, and so I had him give W a call late Friday night from my phone. No big deal. Otherwise, still no contact except for trading texts about when s would be back. W gets him Monday thru Thursday or Friday this week.
Family can sometimes be weird. No one asked me how I was doing, or if there was anything they could do to help. But I was prepared for this from my Divorce Care class, family's just don't know how to treat someone going thru a divorce, and so they say nothing rather than do something that might hurt. I was able to open up a little to my SIL, which was helpful. But I just wanted my family to talk to me and not want me to just hurry up and be done with this. A little understanding goes a long ways.
I think our situations are a step beyond the "normal" divorce...are situations are truly, deeply wackadoo. And, this doesn't help any when it comes to finding friends and family members who can handle the intensity.
Honestly, when I try to reveal details to family members...I often get a very glassy-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights sorta look in return. This is a fresh he!! that they simply can't understand.
Come here for validation when you need it. We "get it."
I'm glad you had fun this weekend. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I think it is difficult for most families to figure out the right thing to say...if there really is such a thing. My Dad in his come back to reality talk had me in tears in about 5 minutes. He went through a divorce due to adultry himself and just didn't believe in sugar coating a thing.
The one thing I get more than anything is that everyone gets where they need to be at thier own pace. You could be reading the perfect book for you to help you deal with your situation but if you aren't at the right palce to receive what you are reading it won't help at all.
I would like to think that they were just wanting you to take your mind off of it and have as normal a weekend as possible.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat and LoisB. Wow, I just had an eye-opening conversation with W's sister, who is very close to W (they lived together since separation thru this past June 30th). Sister did not know about MLC, and it now is making sense to her (if MLC can make sense). Here is the piece she added for me:
W's father was very controlling for the 8 daughters (no sons) growing up (W is youngest of 8 daughters). Especially on weight. He would bribe, insult, and do everything he could to try and have the daughters to watch their weight.
Sister told me of a telephone conversation she overheard of W when she was a teen. A Boy made a telephone call and asked for her, and when she answered, he called her "Piggy" and made other insulting comments. She hung up, and when sister asked her if everything was alright, she just said "wrong number".
I know see more clearly why my W has low self esteem issues coming from her childhood. These issues are drawing her to the many men she is now dating. I never imagined she had this stuff coming up from her childhood, or its power, and she has never seen a counselor for dealing with it. I thought my greeting her every morning and saying "Good morning beautiful" to her for over 20 years would have healed her of this. But obviously not.
So my question is how best to help my W in dealing with self-esteem issues arising from her father's comments growing up? I cannot do it, but should I suggest her sister recommend counseling?
I would. Funny, I have the voice of my brother in my head even now. He would introduce me to his friends, this is my sister, isn't she ugly. Joking or not it really hurt.
That is the stuff that sticks with you, not the stuff your husband or boyfriend is "supposed" to say. You have to hope that she works on liking herself. It takes a lot of time, certainly not an overnight fix.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
(hugs Kat), thank you. I just feel nauseous of what I learned about my W's pain growing up. I want to go and hug her, and try and fix this for her. I KNOW, I can't do this, but I can pray for her that she be healed of the pain that was inflicted on her when she was young. When I spoke to W's sister this morning she was in pain from what her dad did to her too (she was crying when we spoke.) I am seeing too much pain around me.
Kat you are wonderful. You have turned the pain in your life and are helping others. I respect you so much for how you have handled this. Stay strong!
I know it can be hard to register some of the things people say and do under the guise of love. I want to help others and I try to be kind and honest. I know how hard this process is, regardless of the outcome.
I think you are getting what work your wife has to do and what work you need to do. Hopefully you will see in the end how much effort has gone into making yourself a stronger and better person and it will pay off.
I am cheering for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
A quick update. I have had no contact with W since S12 was picked up last Monday. But D17 will arrive at airport next Tuesday, after she has been in Argentina for 2 months. I am going to ask that we drive togther so we can hear all of her stories together. I miss the daughter, so it will be good to see her back safe and sound. After she arrives, she will be staying with W.
It has been 2 months already? It sure doesn't seem like it. I don't see anything wrong with that but don't be surprised if she isn't so willing. She might play the you didn't take her to the airport card. Hope she had a wonderful time.
Hope you are doing well also. thanks for stopping by my thread.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ah, what's a day without the chance of being a jerk? W texts me saying she has had a terrible migraine for the past 24 hours, and would I consider taking s12 to his football skills training later today. I texted back that I was busy and that I was sorry that she had a migraine.
Arggghhh! She has a history of debilitating migraines, and when she did I've always taken care of anything to do with our kids. Nothing seems to be working, neither being her friend nor being a disinterested jerk. When will this end? I'm sorry, a little venting...
