I am the prize

[daring]

I recovered the day pretty well. I feel sometimes like I am the one going crazy lately- I think I may be too attached to H's rapid cycling.
So as expected he asked me an hours yet what was wrong- I said I'm just really nutty and I'm taking things personally that I shouldn't. He said there wasn't anything he had said directly to me today and I said you're right this is my issue. He accepted that answer and then checked in with me later to make sure I was ok.
As much as he maybe grumpy or angry, I know it's not truly directed at me and I have a choice how I respond. If my self esteem is down I take the things he says and does to heart, even if he's teasing. I had done a great job of stopping that before but got caught up these last few days. I'm glad I responded the way I did to him and accepted my part of the issue as it seems to have broken the cycle for now.

So the other thing going on is S12 really doesn't want to go to his house ever. She says it's not home, she doesn't like it and she doesn't want to go. I try to help, and H tells her he deserves to have his time with them too. But at that she it's hard to force it. He's really trying to connect with her- took her out to dinner tonight for some time. She's usually daddy's girl but is really upset at his choices. I mentioned that maybe we need to reconsider the idea of H and I switching off at the main house for time with the kids. He said no- he's not going to have me leave. He knows this is hard one everyone, he just doesn't know anything anymore.
I don't press when he says those things, but the timing and context often seem as though he wants to consider coming home but just doesn't know.
Could be hope on my part but I do think that's in his thoughts he just has no idea how to dig out of the hole he's in.
I'll keep the door open but no pushing- and keep working on my own sanity!!

[daring]

Oops that was supposed to say d12 in last message.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow, your exercise program sounds quite intense, daring. Good job!

Do you ever hang out with the others in your group after a session and just talk? I've found doing this to be very helpful for me. Maybe even consider joining another "less intense" group. For example, a hiking or book reading group would offer much more time for verbally connecting with others... something we all need, especially when our spouse is orbiting!

I think I may be too attached to H's rapid cycling.

You are, but this is understandable. Your goal now is to not ride his roller coaster. If he goes up 10, you should only go up 5. (or less) When he drops down 10, you drop less than 5, because you're detached... you are the lighthouse! (pssst... here's a little secret... he knows this!)

Back away... he'll still be there.

he just has no idea how to dig out of the hole he's in.

None of them do. Yet, many of them will make it. Your goal is to outlast his crisis. It really is up to you.

I'll keep the door open but no pushing- and keep working on my own sanity!!

I love this! You got this, daring.

[daring]

FY I love the roller coaster analogy of only going up and down half or less- that makes it more doable to imagine I don't have to be perfect just less up and down than him. ( I'm a bit of an overachiever so this gives me a more realistic goal).

I do chat after exercise sometimes but frankly my schedule is pretty tight so adding anything else in is tough. Two of my staff at work are also close friends so that's an opportunity to talk and interact with non- aliens.

Interesting happenings today yet again- H was driving me back up to work to pick up my car since I left it the other day when I got sick. He told me he was looking at a house for rent today. I asked if he had found better rent prices and he said yes a little.
Then told me D12 had asked him at dinner about holidays and how that would work. He told her we would figure it out but as she's noticed we've been doing things together as a family most of the time.
Then he said " as my counselor says, I don't know why you don't think you're married- you're just sleeping somewhere else but still do everything as a family". Counselor also suggested to him that if we needed help to figure out the kids so we can move on ourselves we could go to counseling together. He told her no, we don't have an issue there. Then as he's talking to me he said again, it's all just a mess.
Few minutes later he said you've been great, I just want to make sure I acknowledge that. Then as he's dropping me off he said- are you ok with doing the holidays together this year? I said I'm ok with that, at some point it may be too much but for now I'm ok.
Then in my office he asked if I needed anything othr than a new husband- I said I don't need a new husband. He said you obviously do this ones broken. I said I'm broken too. Then he hugged me and said I'm sorry, I really am.

So thoughts on all this- he's acting like he did the two previous times he said he was going to seek a D, like there's no hope. I'm not necessarily fearing the D, I understand that doesn't have to mean the end, I'm more concerned about why he seems to have this downtrodden view. Maybe it's part of the rapid cycling, the progress toward the tunnel exit, or even his own counselors prodding which is sometimes helpful and sometimes not.
He obviously doesn't want to let go completely as he's asking to do holidays together etc. He just seems to be in a place where he thinks he will never get free from and be able to have a relationship. I know this is part of the whole MLC journey but these moments for me are the scariest.
All I can do is keep shining as the lighthouse on my rock and manage my own ebb and flow so that it's not so affected by him.

[ForeverYoung]

The roller coaster analogy was from one of the wise vets here. (can't remember who)

Then as he's talking to me he said again, it's all just a mess.

Ok, here's the secret to making it through this... You accept the above as your present reality, and realize it won't be like this forever.

Then in my office he asked if I needed anything othr than a new husband-

Part of being the Lighthouse, is showing strength. My W used to tell me I should find a new W too, and I once told her:

"Don't you dare tell me what I should want. I can take care of myself, thank you."

And as you know she is still here.

Remember, YOU are the strong steady one in this relationship, H is the one spinning. Use this FACT to your advantage.

He obviously doesn't want to let go completely as he's asking to do holidays together etc.

My W makes future plans for "Us" too. This is a good thing. Again, use it to your advantage.

[daring]

Ok FY- I got this!!

Need to stop spinning with him and unhitch my wagon. He's traveling this week so that helps.

I think he's hitting some pretty big emotional " aha" moments. He's seeing the impact on the kids ( before he said they'd be fine because we are good parents).
Yesterday as he was getting ready to leave house I asked what was wrong as he looked down and he said " just everything". Told me to give the kids hugs for the week while he was gone. He started to leave and I said " Hold on- you need a hug". When he let go after a long hug I saw he was crying and I told him to take care of himself and don't let work get him down.
ILY almost came out if my mouth, not on purpose but because it felt natural at that moment, but I didn't say it. Glad I didn't as he needs no pressure/guilt right now.

Time to regroup while he is away. And it's countdown to less than 2 weeks for my girls cruise!! I so need this vacay- wahoo!

[daring]

Well it has been an interesting week thus far, I believe God is giving me a 2X4 to slow down and take care of myself.
Monday evening I came down with an awful GI virus. Sick all night and in lot of pain. I texted H since he's out of town just to let him know I might go in and would have my mom watch the kids.
He texted multiple times that night and yesterday morning to check on me. By about 2 it got worse again so I had S19 take me to the ER. Got fluids and eval to make sure it wasn't anything else. S19 had just dropped me off and I was fine with that but I guess H gave him a hard time for leaving me there by myself ( that was sweet). H texted and called several more times to check in.
This morning I went back to work but probably shouldn't have- was feeling very weak. H called and said I sounded terrible- I told him I was going to go home in afternoon and rest. He asked if I needed him to come home to help me and I said no I'm good ( again very sweet).
I'm working on feeling better and appreciating that he is being attentive- it makes me feel good.

[daring]

So- WOW! My H just basically told me he is in MLC.
He's out of town still and has been checking on how I'm feeling.
Then all of the sudden sends a text saying " why is it that MLC has to last the whole middle of my life? I need to find a job I care about again. I need to balance things better".

I sent back a text saying it's not a quick process, I agree that having a job he cares about would help a lot, and that he's working on the balance and it is hard so be kind to himself.
Tried to validate as much as I can but not try to fix it for him. I also said I'm here if he needs to talk. He said thanks but he has no room for feelings right now.

Definitely processing through that MLC tunnel......
Go to the light, go to the light, your W is waiting as your lighthouse on the other side!!!

[Matt165]

I'm routing for you daring! I really, really hope he is close and makes it through! This is a very hard time. He is on the edge and things could go either way. My W got there at one point and something stupid and meaningless drove her back deeper into the tunnel and she has never come out. It was probably the death nell of our M. He is still not understanding his feelings, not sure what he wants. He see's his family but he also saw his family before and still bombed you. At the time of the bomb, he probably was so SURE that was what he wanted. Now he isn't so sure but remembers the feeling of being sure. He needs to get to the point of wanting his M and family as much as he didn't want it before. He can get there, just be careful and keep up the good work. You seem to be doing really well. Just be aware that something you think is safe can turn everything around, so be careful!

[ForeverYoung]

So- WOW! My H just basically told me he is in MLC.

This IS huge. Yay!

I think you are validating and encouraging H perfectly. Keep it up, but also allow him his space.

I also said I'm here if he needs to talk. He said thanks but he has no room for feelings right now.

This is a clue that he wants more space. He knows you are there for him, allow him to come to you. He will.

Matt is correct, H is still likely to flip flop a few times here. Kinda like when he moved back home, and then out again. Don't let this trip you up or send you crashing. Just continue to be the steady rock in his life. The one he still cares for, and continues to feel comfortable enough to confide in.

Oh, and don't forget to leave that light on!