I would no longer pay for ANYTHING she uses to conduct her affair, and I would let her know that. She can get her own phone (she has her own income), as even wayward-wife-paid cellphones are really good at communicating with daughters.
That can wait for next week to discuss however. You should begin to (if you haven't already) document any ways she is spending assets on her affair.
Starsky, I have been reading through your story (still a while to go). Where I am, you seemed to struggle with how to draw the line and say "we cannot work on our M if you are having an A" AND wanting to show her that you were the "better choice". Looks like you turned the corner where I am. I believe that I gave my W a glimpse into the new Shodan and that I am the better choice with the previous 6-7 week but I still struggle with that. Did I do enough for long enough?
I know she sees D as the way out. She asked for one and is having an A. Cannot get more clear than that. I am not sure she is prepared to tell the kids this (or even mention separation to them since se gets enough of that with her work travel). She has mentioned separation a few times, which seems counter intuitive to making this work but then again, I need to set her free, right? Only when she somehow comes to her senses will we start working on our R and our M.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I believe that I gave my W a glimpse into the new Shodan and that I am the better choice with the previous 6-7 week but I still struggle with that. Did I do enough for long enough?
It's 6-7 weeks longer than I did it.
When my wife made the decision to fall into her affair, our marriage was at its WORST, and *I* was at my worst! (just go back and read the posts earlier than May 2007) Although I'd always been a good husband, I had slowly began -- intentionally -- NOT meeting my wife's needs, because I was tired of her not meeting mine. I was distant, and surly, and moody and not even as good of a father as I was capable of. I'll always have to live with the knowledge of knowing that I had contributed to the dysfunctional marital environment enough that my wife (who's a VERY traditional girl) would even CONSIDER adultery . . . much less commit it.
So I had to basically "design/build" my "Plan A"/"Plan B," on the fly, but with the help of some great folks here. I had to simultaneously (and quickly!) try to show her my changes, while coming down hard legally and financially and try to bust her affair.
You had WAY more of a head start than I did, Shodan.
I should really add to that, that I had the double (and probably even trickier) challenge of "How do I give her even GLIMPSES of a 'new-and-improved Starsky' (Plan A), without sending the message that I'm condoning her affair?"
Because if you're reading my sitch, you'll see that i NEVER WAVERED -- EVER -- from my "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary, I came down HARD financially, eventually even legally (filed for divorce) and I even decided to lay a "NO DECEIT" boundary.
So THROUGH all of that, I had to still give her glimpses that I "got it," and that if she did decide to end her affair and come back to the marriage, she would find a MUCH better Starsky, who was willing to work on my part of our issues and who was willing to forgive. (which we could do an ENTIRE THREAD on, as it gets too overlooked around here, and I rarely talk enough about it)
You've already hit on, on your own, one of the key ways you let her see that (through your interactions with your kids, and then also with others), but it's a challenge to be sure.
Dr. Harley recommends that you do "Plan A" for at LEAST 6 months, and recommends that men do up to 12. Personally, I didn't have the stomach for enduring that kind of ongoing deceit, and damage to my family. That's the main reason I pushed as hard and as fast as I did. If people feel they can do it for a year and still not have their family's finances, emotional and even medical health suffer, then I have no problem with that. I couldn't do it and I have actually found that MEN have a harder time doing it longer, not the other way around. Because in-your-face, unrepentant affairs are downright emasculating.
I am not going to waver. But if my wife plans something, i say no thanks and GAL but my kids want me to go with them. I don't want to hurt my kids. Also, what about family dinners at night? Do I just not do them anymore, or should I do them with the family but only be "nice" to my W. Do I ask her about her day, her trip to NYC?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I would continue with the "neighborly niceties." If your W isn't comfortable with family dinners, then she can go elsewhere. Or she can sit there and stew in her uncomfortableness if she so chooses. No need to alter your usual family togetherness with the kids.
My H and I - when he was still involved with OW - attempted to do some things together with the kids, including cookouts, because S8 would ask. It often (okay, every time) ended up leading to H cake-eating. Sigh.
Maybe don't borrow trouble just yet by projecting alllllll the "what ifs." I think you have a VERY strong handle on where you are and what you feel is best for this sitch. Sometimes, planning for every "what if" accidentally gives you expectations. I don't think that's what's going on here. But I do know we could spend a day talking about what COULD happen. And the one thing we didn't think about will be the ONE thing that will come up.
Go with the flow this weekend. Trust yourself and all you've learned here in just the past few days. If she offers for you to go with her and the kids and you WANT to go for the kids, go. But I'd at least plan a time or two to get out of the house alone to GAL and handle your "exit strategy" just as Starsky has detailed.
Remember this is all soooo new, so it's hard telling how things will be. Focus on the few things you know you need to do FOR SURE. You have a great "gameplan" prepared.
You are confident, (neighborly) nice and quite the busy man all a sudden, who is a little mysterious and GAL now. Be cordial and friendly (but not too friendly).
I'd play the conversations by ear. I don't think it hurts to wear a smile and ask how a day was if it comes across as natural.
Remember: "I don't want any of this, but I won't stand in your way." That overriding thought may help guide you in making decisions on how to react/respond to things this weekend. Starsky may have a different opinion, but that's my .05 (as always, adjusted for inflation).
Will be thinking of you!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, you rock. I think I just needed a pep talk. I admit, I am afraid what she is going to say. Might my calling her out on the A force her to dig in her heels and ask for the D, or a S? That definitely makes things harder.
But I cannot control her. I only can control myself.
Rock on!
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Nope -- wouldn't change a word, Train -- that's great advice.
You will do just fine, Sho. You seem to have EXCELLENT instincts. Trust them, and know that you do NOT need to make ANY decisions this weekend. These things tend to move slower than you might think.
Remember she is also AT LEAST as nervous about seeing you - and about how the weekend will go down - as you are about seeing her. She has feelings, too. Lots of them.
The difference? You've been mulling this over, and you've developed a plan. You're A LOT more prepared than you probably feel. And that's going to help keep you calm and centered.
Starsky's right: you have incredible instincts. Trust yourself.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
