History: Married 25 years to wife, first marriage for both of us. Daughter is 22 and son is 14. I was diagnosed with Parkingsons Disease 8 years ago and own my own business since 1986.
In March this year my wife came to me and said she did not love me anymore. After a night of intense talking we decided to see a C and have been going since then every 2-3 weeks.The C recommended 5 Love Languages and we both read the book and worked on filling each others tanks. I am a touch person and W is a Acts of Service person. For the first couple of weeks she made an effort and I also did by making bed, cooking, doing things on her list etc. She tried harder in our sex life but more importantly sitting or laying close to me and we seemed to be getting closer. Then about end of March she started shutting down and going to bed early, not wanting me to come in so she could sleep better. I told the C that she seemed to just "squeeze" me in when she could.. not just sex, but attention. I really screwed up by going to the local Casino and hanging out there on those nights she did not want me around (I felt). I NEVER hung around women or chased them, just started gambling with a few guys I met and continued. Two weeks ago today, she confronted me about the Casino and showed me the bank statement she had printed with $7000.00 worth of withdrawls. I admitted to doing it and the next day was our C session where I admitted to going and said I would not go into the place ever again. The C asked me why I did it and I explained that W was cold and I was bored, bit mainly upset she had no time for me. The C asked W if she thought she had contributed to me going and my W said, yes, she did not really want to deal with me in bed or any where else for that matter. C said try to talk about daily things around house etc an we have a meeting with C in 2 weeks.
Got home from C and W said get out of the bedroom and sleep on the sofa in the basement family room. For the first week I begged pleaded, cried, had anxiety attacks in front of W and really pushed her further away. Last week I read Dobsons tough love and although it is for A in marriage, I thought the idea of opening the cage and backing off was a new way to try. I told my W two days ago that I am opening the door of the cage, that I want her to be my W forever, but I will not be crying or begging her to stay with me. I told her she married me 25 years ago cause she thought she should, and that I did not beg or cry for her to do it then. Then 2 days ago I came across this site and read every thing I could.. Same basic idea that you work on you and let the spouse have the space they want and detach from them. So I am doing it two days in...
My biggest question is this. I have been promising W to buy her a newer car as she drives a 15 year old car that is worn out. Obviously she throws it in my face that the 7K I spent at the Casino could have done that. I agreed that I was selfish, vindictive and should have gotten her a car. Today I received a nice portion of money for a project that I am selling a customer in my business and have it pretty much ready to go. My W knows that I have been working on this customer to buy it and knows the money was supposed to come today which it did. Question is: do I buy her a newer car since the in house seperation? It seems like a gift or buying her love based on what I read here and in Dobsons book, but I promised her the car when the deal went through.. This was prior to the in house seperation but I am sure it will put her into orbit if she does not get one..
ANY and ALL comments or advice will be great. I am holding to the 37 steps and I am being cordial but not calling her or bringing her anything when I go out. I am not nasty to her, just trying to detach.
The best way to answer that is, probably. You agreed in the past to buy the car and I believe you said the money coming in was supposed to go towards that. Or really the $7k was. Would buying a car bring your closer to your goal of fixing your marriage or would not buying a car bring you closer? I am not advocating the idea you can buy her love. It is just that if you made a commitment, it is best that you stick to it.
Remember, a good chunk of her frustration and cause for kicking you to the couch was wasting the $7k on something (in her eyes) as frivolous and wasteful as a casino. You have a chance to partially redeem yourself on that one.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
W came out to my office and cried and said " so is his how it's gonna be" ? I asked what she meant and she said what are we doing? I told her that she made the decision to be separate under one roof and that I was giving her space. She cried and said she didn't like it and did not know where to go from here. I told her that I was simply respecting her request for space and offered nothing else. She went into the house and was sobbing terrible as I walked through the house to go to the bedroom. She asked me why I did not want to include her in dinner plans I had with the kids and I just said I am not putting on a public show... I again said I respect your request to be left alone and she went into a sobbing tirade about not knowing how to fix us. She talked about lack of sexual satisfaction in the past and asked me how we can fix that and the marriage. I just told her she has to want to fix it first.. Very civilized talk.. She went in bedroom and sobbed loudly as kids and I went to get into car. My S asked what I said to upset mom and I said nothing and S asked if mom could go with to dinner. I went back in and asked her to go with to make the kids happy.. We had a nice dinner... Kids are going away tonite with neighbors... My plans are to go to my room in basement and read.
Kids went out and W and I had a two hour discussion. She said she is confused and doesn't know how to fix R. I really need some feedback on what to do with DB phone consultation, have you gone through it? Should W and I both do it? Together or separate? I really think after talking to W tonight that she would try to fix the marriage. She talked. A dozen times about not knowing how to love me or forgetting how to love me. We go to a C and it seems to not be going forward, if it is it is at a snails pace.. Both W and I agree on that..
Would like to move forward in R with W.. How do I proceed?
I would schedule an appointment with a coach ASAP! If she's willing to work on it and you are two, knowing there's a long road ahead and some of it is painful, then do everything you can to work on it and to me that's talking to a coach.
I have not gone to casino since.. I have acknowledged that I can't change W, just myself and my reaction to her. I have moved into another bedroom and given her all the space she wants. I am not being needy, do not cry in front of her, and do not beg her..
They aren't available for download, but you need to order them asap in order to come up with a strategy and understand the concepts that we describe here.
Case in point ...
"I am trying to work on me every day."
How? What specific changes are you making? Don't be vague. Also, it would help if you listed your M problems more in detail.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
