Taking it day by day part 2

[Meghan]

I think now that you've given him this clear chance, it's time to get back to the lawyers. If he can't take care of what was agreed upon, this is something that needs to be dealt with, especially if it's affecting your kids.

Given that he's not paying, I'm not sure about the smiling and chatting him up when he engages you. It seems to me that being friendly to him could send the wrong message when he's not meeting his obligations. I might back off from the friendliness a bit more and be a bit cooler and removed, but not hostile. He should maybe feel the consequences of his actions, both in terms of finances and in terms of the fact that there's an OW.

I'm still pretty new to this, though, so I think a vet would be better able to weigh in.

[Georgiabelle]

TO,

I think you misinterpreted h's semi pleasant nature for genuine civility. Yes, the text was a waste, however, I don't see any harm. You tried to use logic and that just doesn't work. Back to the atty:-)

[T384]

Right that's where I get so confused.

I need to be clear and concise with my actions because I don't want to come off as a cold bitch but I almost feel like me being 'normal' with him at practice let's him cake eat. We have a good time talking at the games and practices and then he leaves and goes to his other life.

If he engages me and asks about things maybe I should give shorter responses with less smiles and laughter? These are my only opportunities to show him the new ME so I struggle in how to act.

Someone help! Lol


Yes GB - you're right (my phone now auto capitalizes your initials btw haha). I thought with him being friendlier that we might be able to have one thing figured out between us. I hate to spend more money to get what he agreed with me. But I guess this is the wayward part right?

[Meghan]

I think a lot of us tend to have a hard time letting go of the person that we thought that we married. This makes it easy to assume the best of them - that they will be or are being civil, rational, engaged, helpful, and all of those wonderful things. So we want to believe they'll engage with us in productive ways and we continue to act around them like we always have, because it's worked to a degree in the past, and it's hard to let that go.

Maybe it's important to remember that this person is not the person that you think he is, and won't respond as you expect. I don't know that the email did any actual harm, other than maybe highlighting how he isn't meeting his obligations, but allowing the lawyer to deal with this new version of your H. is probably the best bet for financial matters from now on, at least until you have some evidence that he's consistently meeting his obligations.

[T384]

Ya definitely. Another lesson learned.

If I could just figure out how to handle the new H.

I want to come off as if, that he's the fool for leaving. But I don't want to behave as the doormat who you can sh*t all over and I'll still be here smiling for you at the boys events lol

[Meghan]

I totally get it - I have the hardest time figuring out how to handle my new H., and it seems like there are so many things to account for in terms of dealing with him.

I suspect that you can probably find a way to be both the things that you mentioned. Consider this: what if the woman that he's a fool for leaving also happens to be a woman who's strong, in control of herself, and knows her value enough to stand up for her needs and the needs of her kids? I don't think they're necessarily mutually exclusive.

[T384]

Right but how does that woman act? I'm working on figuring that out

I think that woman would benefit both of us

[Georgiabelle]

In regards to being a woman he would be a fool to leave, I believe it really means to be your best you. Focus on you and the kids. Laugh. Live your life with integrity and grace. Be pleasant and take the high road. Show your kids that you are their rock. Work hard. Be in the moment ( I struggle with this and an getting there )

Now, here's the kicker. I think some people are in such a place they can't even see what the person they are leaving is truly like. Kind of like that *make them want to come back to x*. If they can't handle responsibility and don't want any, that is a moot point to a certain degree. To the WAS. At some point, they may see their loss. However, you building a wonderful life, being an incredible mother, and living your life with grace and integrity...... That makes everyone see that you are the prize:)

[T384]

Thanks as always GB. I hope to be as strong as you are. And I agree. I think no matter if I was made of 24k gold H wouldn't see me for anything than what HE wants to see me as. Like you said, you can't make someone that doesn't want to be a parent be one. That rings so true more and more each day. However - he thinks to this day I'm keeping the boys from him. He is fighting (supposably) for 50/50. This is where I'm like WTF.

I just want to be the person that is strong intelligent and most importantly does not stand for the way H is treating the boys and I. I don't want his little teenage bimbo thinking that this is behavior that I will tolerate for my boys. I will be fighting like hell for what I feel is in the boys best interest when it comes
To H and the boys. He can hate me for the rest of his life but someone has to look out for the boys best interest. I expect him to get over nights. My famil and friends think he wil keep up with it for the first couple months and then give them up.

Ok back to working on that strong independent woman.

GB. I think of you often (in a totally non creepy internet stalking kind of way). The boys and I sing and laugh in the car. And I always think of your words about having laughter and enjoying the moment with your children. We do so much more of that now. We always have but we really do now. So thank you for reminding me of what's important

[Georgiabelle]

Aw, thanks TO. That really made me smile. There is nothing like the laughter from your kids, right? I have heard my entire life how strong I am and while I am very humbled by that compliment, everyone can be strong. . Sometimes people just don't know it yet. I'm nothing unique in that regard. Some people just choose not to reach for their strength. We are all just dealing with the deck of cards we are dealt. Where is my royal straight?????:)

It's like I was telling a friend the other day. There really are only 2 choices in life- live or not. Let's take option 1:)

You are setting a great example for your boys. You pointed out something that I think of often. I don't want my boys to think we treat women or anyone disrespectfully. That is something I grapple with how to best handle. You are fortunate to have your Dad and he sounds like a great role model for your boys. That's fantastic!

You really are doing well. I know it's difficult not to focus on OW, but it's a waste of energy. It's all about you and your boys. Keep it up!