Look at your last sentence, mdu. Mind reading is bad enough, and now you're talking about basing something as potentially life- and family-changing as a DIVORCE on it???
I'm not running to the court house to file right this minute, Starsky. I won't make any decisions until I have more information than just mind reading. Just in a bad place with things.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Why don't you use this time that you're in a bad place as a respite from worrying about him, the marriage, the future, and focus on creating your own life for your own enjoyment? Not everything has to hinge on him, right? Take some time to examine what makes you happy to be you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Agreed, Maybell. That's exactly what I just discussed with my new IC. I really want to forget about him and the A for a while and just focus on me.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just had a very depressing conversation with H. Had to talk about some kid logistics stuff and it's just so clear that it's back to all about the kids again. I'm not fighting it, just going with it. Just so heartbreaking how only 2 weeks ago we were in a dramatically different place. I guess I had hoped he would reach out one day this week and speak to me about things with OW in the office or his supposed IC appointment or *something* to signal that he's still interested in trying to work it out. It's just amazing what a dramatic negative turn things have taken. I really, really need to just let it go.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I guess I had hoped he would reach out one day this week and speak to me about things with OW in the office or his supposed IC appointment or *something* to signal that he's still interested in trying to work it out.
I think he is giving you a definite signal. Do you think that maybe you aren't getting what his silence is saying? Are you hoping I say to you "don't mind read?"
I have been where your husband is. I felt suffocated beyond belief and yet hoped she would get the message and leave me alone. I felt like if I was too nice even though I didn't want to get back into a relationship, that she would take that and make something out of it. My guard was up even when she kept the conversation light and easy. I'm sure she thought that I didn't think she was pressuring me with light breezy calls.. She was WRONG.. That is exactly what I was thinking..
Remember, these are only the feelings he would have when he feels suffocated. Once he gets some air and can breathe again, the suffocated feelings go away.
Now, he wouldn't want to be suffocated again, so he will shy away from any possible reminder that it could or may be happening again.
You HAVE to take the pressure off. Take the pillow off his face.
How? How do you think you can take that pressure he feels off?
He isn't going to come right out and tell you that he feels suffocated UNLESS you force his hand. He is secretly hoping you "get the message." because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You seem on the verge of forcing his hand. I can tell you the answer if you do that.
What he is not aware of is that once the pressure of feeling suffocated is gone, that his feelings may very well start to change. The problem here is that he or we won't know if they are going to change until the pressure is completely off.
I have noticed that you have either stopped to see him or called him every day this week. I realize you think that not saying anything and just talking about the kids or whatever is not putting pressure on him, but your posts of when you talk or text or have contact with him leads me to believe that he is just cringing that you are one moment from starting up again. I have even wondered if you are finding some excuse to contact him every day and think that you are disguising it as "something with the kids"..
So, if I wonder that and I don't even know you, don't you think he also senses the very same thing? It is still pressure to HIM even if you think it isn't.
I've mentioned a bunch of times that pursuit has been a tough topic for me here bc *some* pursuit worked in the past with H. Maybe not this time, though. Maybe he's further gone now.
I have no need to get in touch with him over the next several days except Saturday when we will need to arrange a kid exchange. I'll be sure to keep a distance.
I have definitely significantly slipped in my focus on myself & self care. I need to force myself back on that horse, I'm obsessing over H and I'm sure it's showing. I keep mentally telling myself I need to GAL and I think 'ugh, I don't feel like it'. So here's my GAL list for tonight/tomorrow: *make zucchini bread *play a game with the kids *read with the kids *play chess *get up early and run *fill out and mail my passport renewal *get on top of work list! *get gas for the grill - BBQ with my bro & his family tomorrow night
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
More GAL: *just signed up to volunteer next Tuesday when H has kids. Will have to make dinner plans or something for Wednesday night when he will also have them *call local MBA program to ask about auditing a course (need to do this tomorrow!)
Something just dawned on me...sometimes I think I wallow in my misery thinking that somehow that will punish or prove something to H. I know that sounds crazy but I'm just putting it out there because the thought just crossed my mind and I think it's an important one. It's like if I go off and be happy, despite what's gone on (and maybe still going on with him/OW), it will make it seem like I'm letting him get away with something. Meanwhile, all I'm really doing is making myself miserable when I could be working on making myself happy.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
