I appreciate your message as I has so much anger and pain when I found out that the decree had come in the mail and how cold my XH sounded over his text messages about how my priorities where messed up. He seems up and down that it is confusing. To make matters worse, I drank that night at a bar with my friend and she and I ended up hanging out with the waiter. Nothing happened but my XH found out about it and was pi$$ed. He knew about it that whole night and didn't say to me for 2 days. Apparently the waiter used to work for him and text my H to let him know and asked if it was okay to talk to me. I thought he was done with me and on Friday night when he confronted me about that night, he asked for my wedding rings back. I brought them to him and he just went off on me about how irresponsible I was and stupid for going with a stranger. I apologized and said that I thought he was done with me and I wasn't thinking. He then told me he knew about it and was testing me to see if I would come clean and us have a clean slate but I didn't and all I do is hurt him. He told me that I'm the reason why he failed his kids and that's one of the biggest reasons why he wanted the divorce. My XH then told me that I needed to spend more time with my boys and mom as she is getting sicker from the cancer and that I need to fix myself. He also said I hurt him so bad that he is numb and can't get things straight which is why he is leaving for 2 weeks after his kids leave and that this is too small of a town where he knows a lot of people and he wants to move out of town. I did all the wrong things - tried to justify my mistakes, asked for another chance and cried. I went home got little sleep and I sent him a text if he would meet me so I could talk to him. I just wanted to apologize in person and he agreed. We met up at Starbucks and he began by saying that he hates being angry with me. He then waited for me to say what I needed to say. I apologized for hurting him and making him feel humiliated and for behaving recklessly. He said he didn't want me to get hurt and affect my boys and he didn't want anything to happen to me. He said he was still fine seeing, texting and me like for coffee. H I apologized for ruining our chance for a new start and he said I'm not taking that off the table. He then said let's go for a short ride on his bike and he also said that I could hold him. The ride was nice and when we got off he pulled me in for a hug and then a kiss on the cheek which I went for his lips. I apologized and he said it was fine. We hugged again and this time he kissed me on my lips. We didn't text again till the following day. I just wished him and his kids a good day. Well while I was at the store with my S 12, he dropped off my mail at my apartment and saw that the name inside had my 1st XH last name and my XH sent me a text asking how long it was like that. I told him that it was labeled like that since my S 16 got his mail there first. He gets jealous I think but this is crazy all the moods my XH goes through and I can't read him. A 2x4 is needed please
Last edited by CSan00; 07/21/1411:38 PM.
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
A lot of things about what you’re going through remind me of my situation. It’s a tough place to be in, particularly when you’re inclined to take on a lot of the blame yourself and don’t see a lot recognition or remorse in your spouse. Based on your description, I’m just not seeing a lot of responsibility on your H.’s part. The idea that somehow you’re the reason he failed his kids strikes me as a particularly profound twisting of your situation.
One thing I’d suggest is reading over your post again and noting how much you’re apologizing. It seems to me that you’re apologizing a lot for both specific and general things, and you’re often doing so in response to him getting upset with you for a whole range of stuff. Are these all things that you should be apologizing for, or are you apologizing more to keep him happy and so that he’ll hopefully see that you’re contrite? A lot of what you’ve said reads to me like your XH is trying to dominate or manipulate you (testing you is a big concern) and like you’re trying to placate him or withdraw your feelings. (I say this largely because this is what I do and a friend called me on it recently, so I’ve been thinking about it – feel free to let me know if you think this isn’t the case.)
You may also want to consider that if you were to get the fresh start you want, what would have to change in order to make things work. This can be hard – I’ve been thinking about it myself and facing down the idea that things can’t stay the same is hard, particularly when I know that at some point I may have to rock the boat to get what I need. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be DBing right now. I’ve been trying to validate what my H. has been telling me as much as possible (sometimes by apologizing for what has hurt him), leaving my concerns out of the conversation for the time being, and working on myself and some of the things that have bothered him in the past that I think are worth fixing for myself. But I have a running list of things that will need to change in the back of my head, and sometimes (not always yet) it helps me keep a bit of perspective on what’s going on and the fact that there are two of us in this relationship and two of use that helped to get us here.
It also sounds to me like your H. is looking to trap you or get you into a confrontation somehow. He seems to be taking any opportunity to berate you that he can. It might be worth considering whether he’s doing this (not even necessarily intentionally) to keep you off balance and blaming yourself – it may make it easier for him to justify his actions, paint you as the crazy one, or just keep you acting in ways that work for him.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Meghan, you're right that my XH has not really owned up to his part in our M ending. He only acknowledges that he chose not to speak up. As for the apologies, I have done that a lot as I do feel they are warranted and sincere however even my XH has told me that I don't need to apologize anymore. And about the manipulate/dominate, I reread my post and yeah big time I see that he is using me as the scapegoat for the whole thing. I don't know if part of this has to do with the PTSD he is dealing with but it's like he wants to punish me? As for what would have to change on his behalf in order to have a fresh start? I think forgiveness would be a huge one and be more flexible or tolerable of others faults and ways. I'm sure there's more but I have just been focusing on my faults and areas of improvement. Thank you for your message and I am definitely thinking some more about our interactions and questions you asked. Reminds me of Shrek with the layers. I appreciate it Meghan
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
Well my last thread is at 100 so with that I am beginning a new one since now I don't think there is anything to do more for the M as it was filed yesterday and it will be finalized in a month. Today will be filled with packing. I am just so exhausted but I can rest when I am done or like they say when I'm dead
I posted on your other thread, as per your request for me to check out your situation. Dang, that thread was still open. Can you check that out or do I need to retrieve it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What is the PTSD of your h's you keep referring to? And what is there about your past that would trigger his PTSD?
I'm confused.
But before I finish your thread, there's one thing that is very clear.
You do what you know you should NOT do, and you repeat that a lot.
Not sure how I can help you if you deliberately do what you know won't help, like reaching out to your h, who is divorcing you and saying in every way possible that he wants out and feels pressured and does NOT like it. I mean, if that won't stop you from contacting him, that amount of clarity, what will?
Don't do what does not work. That's a simple thing to grasp. It's not easy to DO, but it's not complicated to understand and you really have to get a grip.
You know you have to detach and you know that requires GAL
but all I see are your reasons for staying stuck, and NOT doing what we or the books suggest. No program helps - if you don't follow one.
STOP contacting him. Period. GAL for real. THEN, in time, see where things go.
here's the "math" of it. your consistent changes + sufficient time = change HE can believe in. NO WAS returns to a marriage they left, ever...........
unless
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before. How are you showing him that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
which I shouldn't have done as I should just back off as he doesn't want a relationship and I need to respect his space. I have literally lost count of how many times you have said this^^ exact sentence before. CS, you need to learn some restraint.
Seriously. How many times are you going to go down a "cheese less tunnel" before you change your behaviors? If the term "cheesless tunnel" is strange to you, read the DB or DR books again and more carefully.
He has not initiated contact since the MC and that should be an indication that it was too much for him especially with me crying during it. I need to let go
of course it is an "indication" that it's too much for him, especially added to the fact that HE SAYS it is. Plus you cannot handle contact with him in person anyhow.
Next time this issue comes up THINK IT OUT BEFORE you act. What is the most likely result of you reaching out to him again?
His desire to reach out to you, via the MC, was possible a "cover his bases" thing and that's it.
I would have simply listened and then LISTENED some more and if pressed for an answer,
reply that you need time to process this new information.
That's it.
Do you have a good counselor? I think if you truly had a higher self esteem and believed in your heart that you are a good person and a lovable person,
then other people's opinions would not change that. Work on the self esteem b/c that's the main basic belief you must have, to rise above the smoke from others opinions.
Their data about you is not real. It has either never been true, or it's no longer true. So don't let it inside you.
If you feel that it IS true data, that you really are NOT a good person, then work on that.
Become the woman you were meant to become. (That requires professional help and there is no shame in that!)
If you feel you ARE a good person, then don't let false data inside. Let it roll off your back.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, you give such clear, powerful advice. I read your replies to others and learn so much. If you have a chance to check on my thread, I would appreciate it. I value your perspective a great deal.
(Sorry to hijack your thread, CSan. Listen to 25! She's nailed it for you. Look inward! That is where you might finally find peace and love for yourself.)
Hi 25, You really wacked me with a 2x4 and I needed it. In not following the program, I hurt my chances w my XH and did more of the same going down cheeseless tunnels. I do see an IC however not as often as I should due to money issues. Nonetheless I have quite a few books on self improvement to work on my self confidence. I haven't always felt like a bad person it's more of feeling like a failure. I I understand that my perception is very skewed when it comes to myself which is what I am working on with my IC because she thinks I am too hard on myself and expect perfection. I picked up DR again and restarted my notes. I did buy watercolors, paint brushes and paper to start painting like I used to. Sorry to digress, I do have to work on thinking before acting as being impulsive has caused more problems than help. I've seriously got to dig deeper and love myself.....I did contact my XH on my remaining furniture at the house and left it at that. He replied back politely and we will get it done this week. Other than that I have occupied myself with my kids, working and getting our apartment in order. I don't want to be the person others think I am just be a good person and like myself. I'm really glad you looked at my sitch and advised me
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
25, you give such clear, powerful advice. I read your replies to others and learn so much. If you have a chance to check on my thread, I would appreciate it. I value your perspective a great deal.
(Sorry to hijack your thread, CSan. Listen to 25! She's nailed it for you. Look inward! That is where you might finally find peace and love for yourself.)
I'm having trouble finding your exact thread.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why?