I have to remember that H is a different person too. His journey has changed him in ways I have yet to encounter. I need to not push him. I need to have faith. Keep my big girl pants on as is said.
I am wishing that he would come to this wedding with me. I know it's nothing in the greater scheme of things. I was just hoping. It's ok. Will have fun with my friends in celebrating their daughters marriage.
Let it go. Be mindful. And live in the moment.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Starsky for your prayer. That touched my soul.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I guess I had thought this would move faster. His realisation would come quickly and the alien in him would be gone forever. I long to see those empty eyes gone for good. I hoped he would show his want for me immediately. Like waking to get to know me again NOW.
I realise this is all not possible - it's still his timeline- still his show. I am last in line and that's it. Must be patient.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
busting, It takes quite a while for the reconnection to take place. They don't magically wake up one day and return home and normal. Just as they gradually went into MLC, they will gradually start to wake up. As they begin to wake up, they are very fragile and will need to "feel" their way along w/reconnecting. When they return home, it usually takes 18-24 months before they finally, and I do mean finally, settle down and continue on w/life as a mature family member. Now, I will caution you on this, sometimes they return normal and then there are times that they will keep some of the traits they exhibited during the crisis. For example, if your h never chewed gum before the crisis and did it during the crisis, he may continue chewing it once home. Hopefully your h will continue to reconnect, come home and take some to settle down into his "new" life.
One thing, you will have a new marriage and you can't return to the old one. Both of you will be different and that means you both will be learning about each other again. Don't revert back to the old habits and expectations.
Give him plenty of time and space to wake up. Keep your expectations low or none at all and dig deeper for patience. It's going to take some time and this is truly the hardest part for the spouse because you are anxious to get the crisis over w/and yet, you are still on his timeline. Don't rush it or he will run right back up the rabbit hole and it will take even longer for him to come out again. Patience and more patience is what is needed during this reawakening period.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
busting, I am reading along and praying for you guys too. I think back to the two times my h came back home- it was too soon, he as not ready emotionally. i hope that he gets there for himself...but in the meantime, I am doing pretty good Hang in there.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
NLW and WBW thank you for your kind and supportive words. I am praying too. I am praying that he is getting ready to really do this and that he doesn't run back into the tunnel out of fear and that I have the good grace and wisdom to help him home.
I wanted to journal and update a bit.
H has continued to be relaxed and 'nice'. Not affectionate and not coming towards me in obvious ways but oh my am I grateful and humble for where we are now.
Last year at this time it was my D's bday and H refused to come- he instead went to visit OW. This year he helped me buy presents, plan the party and was THERE. Touch wood.
We had a few brief talks. I asked him if he will live like a married man.
The abridged version of the conversation is as follows (paraphrased):
H: well I am not going to have any relationships. I don't know about one night stands and I will want to go out and have people over. You used to control me and even question me when I was out with work people.
Me: (I say nothing in response to the one night stand comment) ok - well I see us moving forward from the same place, equal ground in trust and respect. I don't want to control you. I'm sorry if you felt that way. I would only want you in this willingly, not if you feel like you are sacrificing yourself. I would not want you to live a sacrificed life and I know that the commitment needs to be stronger than the fears. We will have fears.
You can do what you want. I am not stopping you. In a marriage though I want to be equal and I want my partner to be proud and happy to be married. Not sacrificed. I believe there are bigger issues to address in the future than you going out.
H: but I'm not moving in to the bedroom with you right away.
Me: that's fine- I am not ready for that either.
H: maybe there is some fear
Me: it's natural. I don't see this as a place for revenge. I want to move forward in trust and forgiveness. Not revenge and control. If you feel you need something else then you need to do that. I believe that if we are both working from the same place then we wouldn't do things to hurt or control each other. We may not yet be ready for that. This will take time.
H: anything can happen
Me: yes I agree. I would have to say though that I don't think either of us should walk on eggshells. I do know however that any kind of outside relationship, one night stand or not, would be a boundary for me. Your feelings matter and you are a priority, and my feelings matter and I am a priority too. I will not want people in my life that hurt me, my kids or my marriage.
H: we will talk more
Me: yes, ok.
I realize that some of this is to provoke me and some is fear and most of it is confusion.
In his actions, he is relaxed and much kinder than he has been in years and years. I had to travel for a few days and he drive me to the airport ( I didn't ask him too). I think his main LL is acts of service and I while I don't think he consciously trying to show me acts of love just yet I think the more he relaxes around me the more himself he gets.
I often wonder what a 'good' and healthy relationship is like. If me and h can actually have one... If I am capable of not smothering the love out of fear. If we can be friends again - if he will actually like me. I have doubted the reality of what we used to have. The past four years have changed so much about me and changed my memories as well. I forgot how much we used to enjoy spending time together. Maybe it was never real... We have both changed so much. The last conversation I had with him also showed me how far ahead of him I am. I am so done with the past and so ready for my next step.
I was pleased with myself for remaining calm. And I realized that this is who I am. It wasn't pretend and it wasn't passive aggressiveness. It felt good. Very good. No matter the outcome. Today my fears are less. Not because of h but because I truly feel free of him and I know I will be great with or without him.
Now, I am remembering that this takes time and is a delicate process. I think I have managed over the past couple of weeks to keep any expectations to almost null.
Remembering that this takes time. And I am last in line.
Last edited by bustingout; 08/11/1404:12 AM.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
We had a few brief talks. I asked him if he will live like a married man.
. . .
H: well I am not going to have any relationships. I don't know about one night stands and I will want to go out and have people over. You used to control me and even question me when I was out with work people.
. . . Me: I do know however that any kind of outside relationship, one night stand or not, would be a boundary for me. Your feelings matter and you are a priority, and my feelings matter and I am a priority too. I will not want people in my life that hurt me, my kids or my marriage.
Attagirl, Busting. I'm proud of how you stuck to your boundary, no matter how tempting this new warming of his is. Don't waver on this.
To be honest, his "one-night-stand" comment shocked me.
Lol it was a shocking comment ! I remembered reading job's description on reconnection though and she said that they will say things to provoke you (paraphrasing). So I figured this was one of those things...
I know MLCers are crazy but yeah, right, I'm going to say 'ok honey - go have your one night stand but just be back before 10pm -and be safe!'
He is scared and confused. He wants his family and he he doesn't know yet how except by trying to control the situation. He still does not see that he still has to look within himself - it the simplist and hardest thing to do.
Last edited by bustingout; 08/11/1404:34 PM.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
