[gan]

Well DR finally arrived yesterday so I am getting my reading on…

There's been a bit of back and forth with H via email to arrange a time to meet. Trying not to read too much into his initial lack of reply to my reply about availability. I had to send a follow up a couple of days later to see that he got the message. Anywho, meeting up next Tuesday for a drink.

I'm getting anxious that he'll break some bad news….but then if he wanted to do that would he suggest a public place? I really have to work through how I might respond if he says something I don't want to hear (I know, validate). Everything just feels so contrived right now. I hate it!

[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te! Thanks for checking in on my situation, I've finally found your thread and yeah we have a lot in common. (unfortunately!)

My H too asked to meet up (after a few weeks of separation) and all I could think was that he wanted to tell me something bad. Turns out I was wrong, but it could have been that way for sure! He did say some things I didn't like, but that wasn't his reason for meeting. I think he simply missed me and was curious about what I was up to.

The advice I got from Ben2010 was great. Just go into it with a positive attitude. Definitely prepare yourself for bad news as well, with a plan for what to do/say if it turns the wrong way. But otherwise plan to have a nice time, look good and enjoy talking with your H.

It sounds to me like you are doing great, being very strong and taking control of your life. Keep us posted on what happens!!!

Hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa. I agree that positive but prepared is the way to go. Part of this journey for me is really starting to see us both as individuals (sounds stupid, but I think that was lacking before….I was too focussed on the R…the big 3-5, babies and all). I've come some length to understanding that he may (of his own accord) come to the conclusion that our M isn't what he wants. I actually think I accept this now. But gee, I'd really like the opportunity to try this M thing again with this new insight. Of course it may all fall apart when I am sitting across the table from him next week if he tells me some bad news!

[LisaB]

You are so much more in control than I am! We (H and I) have the same problem of not seeing ourselves as individuals, and I am having a hard time doing it still... and also accepting that he might stick with his idea that M is not what he wants. Well, he has only told me that 50 million times but I still can't accept it. I'm admiring you!

[gan]

Lisa - listen to the "Headspace on…Relationships" podcast. It's about relationships in general, not our particular situations but it helped me get in to a better mindset. https://soundcloud.com/search?q=andy%20puddicombe
(look for the Relationship one from the list)

I'm using the Headspace app to meditate - loving it!

[LisaB]

Thanks ganb8te! Looking it up now!

[gan]

Well, tomorrow is the big day. First real meet up with H since he moved out in early-June. It feels like the last couple of weeks have taken FOREVER!

[Elsa]

Oh ganb8te, I can only imagine how interminable the last few weeks have felt. I hope that the meeting tomorrow goes as smoothly as can be expected. Do you know the purpose? Is it just to catch up with each other?

Either way, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! (Although based on the time zone difference, I'll probably be asleep when your meeting takes place!)

[gan]

Just back from the BIG EVENT. Could really use some feedback and suggestions. Vets?

This is the first time we've had any contact in weeks (and first real meet up up since we separated). I greeted him with an awkward kiss on the cheek.

The first half was just catch up. The usual (how's work, how's family etc). He shared a little of what he was up to. On the whole he seems busy at work and just doing the same (surfing, ultimate frisbee). He's been sick with the flu a big chunk of the time. I tried to be light and PMA as I talked about what I was up to. Tried to mention the things I was doing outside work, since that was something that bugged him (me and my relationship with my work…something I am working on….for me). At one point I'm sure I caught him glancing at my finger and noting that I wasn't wearing my ring (I took it off just before out meeting…he doesn't wear his).

Then we went into deeper territory….His brother had a baby last week and there have been complications. I expressed my sadness at this and asked him to pass on my regards. Then I shared that my Uncle had passed away (came as quite a shock to the family). He expressed his sadness and asked me to send on his regards.

Then came R talk (he brought it up). He wants to forge ahead with separating our remaining bank accounts, paying off remaining joint credit cards etc. He said he feels sad about the way things are. Makes him sad seeing me. I asked "How so?"….then thought crap, validation moment…correction..."I mean I know what you mean, but I was just asking because I'd like to know what that means to you?" (not the best recovery). He elaborated a bit on the fact that we'd been together a long time. He said separation has been good and he's glad that I am happy. I said I wanted him to be happy to (which kind of acknowledged that he's not currently happy…even with us being separated). I agreed separation has been good - brought some new perspective. And then I did it….not sure if this was a poor choice…but I felt like maybe he was thinking I'd moved on and sometimes in the past he has said things that hints that he feels guilty about holding me back. I said something to the effect of "Just so you know….yes, I am doing ok…but my preference would be for us to find our way back to each other." He said something to the effect that he didn't share that perspective (maybe he said yet or right now?) He reinforced that he wasn't asking me to wait for him.

He asked about what my plans were re the rental house. I told him I planned to move at the end of August/mid-Sept and we had some discussion around what to do with the furniture etc. He asked me to be in touch when I firmed up dates and offered to help going through stuff. He decided to go before I had a chance to leave first. He did come round the table and touch my arm as he left.

[gan]

Questions/random thoughts:
1. I feel dreadful about the news about his brother's bub. We weren't super close but I would have wanted them to know that I was thinking about them and wishing them well. Thoughts on whether to contact them? (No one from his family have been in touch with me since we split…but then he's not that close with his family and I'm not that sure what he's told them).
2. In reading DR, I never did get a sense of whether it was good/bad/otherwise to let spouse know what we want (i.e that we want to work on our marriages). I've maintained NC for a good 2 months now so I don't think I am overdoing the pursuing thing. Should we make our position known to separated spouse while DB or no?
3. H did not offer up much opinion/feelings in which case it is hard to validate. It's like I have to ask a question so that he shares an opinion/feeling (but I'm weary of that since I know he sometimes gets annoyed when I ask questions). It almost would have been easier for him to announce that he wanted a divorce because then I could have said "that's not what I want, but I know you have been unhappy for a long time so I can see why you might feel that way" (note D for was not mentioned…but we need to be separated for 12 months before we can file here).
4. I'm assuming next step is more NC and GAL. I'm doing fine on those fronts. I can move on if I have to…but I'm not sure that this current approach is taking the R in the direction that I want. H seems sad…seems to recognize that I am happy and doing well…but currently wants to continue down path of separation. Is there something else I can throw into the mix? (More patience is probably they obvious answer).