1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

I'm with all of you that I just need to back off and let this play out. It seems there's nothing more I can do. Ultimatums do not work with H and I'm 1000% sure would create a ton of resentment (as if he doesn't have enough towards me already) so I don't think I can realistically threaten D if he does not change jobs. Not to mention, I'm just not at that place yet where I'd follow through.

I saw H this morning when he dropped off the kids and I think I was able to maintain a convincing friendly detachment. He seemed to linger a bit and chatted some. So at least I feel good that what was likely our last interaction before he sees OW at work on Monday was a positive one. I think for now I will not contact him again until he reaches out to me. Just back way up and let him figure this out and hopefully even make him wonder a tad where MY head might be at.

I also agree it's a good time for me to regroup and reground myself. I have noticed that whenever H starts moving toward me I get so fixated on him that I start slipping on GAL. I need to get back on it and get back on rediscovering me. I definitely keep losing myself in the relationship, probably have been for years, need to fix that.

[Train]

Smart girl.

Now stick to that plan.

[mdu]

My sister in law just updated her facebook cover photo to a big family picture including me, H and our kids. My stepson's fiancé just sent me a picture of her wedding invitations (wedding is in earl October). Two more very painful reminders of our very broken family. Unfortunately not only was I convinced we were firmly on the reconciliation path I think a lot of others did too. I really think we were until this latest development with OW moving. I keep thinking what horrible, horrible timing but maybe it's for the best. I'd rather things completely implode now than 6mos-1 year from now when he could be home and things would be even worse for the kids if he left again.

I have not reached out to H since yesterday morning and really have zero desire to. It continues to amaze me what a mess he has created with this OW. I updated a couple of friends on this latest development and they, of course, think I should just leave him. I'm not at that point yet but am feeling a tiny bit of ambivalence creeping into me.

I just don't see how things can work out under the current circumstance. It took H months for his feelings for OW to die down enough for him to start to have room to start feeling for me again. Now they're going to get all kicked up again and there won't be a way for them to get away from each other so they can die, so they'll keep getting kicked up. The only hope I think I have is if somehow her presence turns him off. That maybe having her right in his office will kill the fantasy, especially if she starts applying any kind of pressure. Even though she may have eliminated the distance barrier to their relationship the fact that they work for the same company is still a barrier for anything long term. While she doesn't report in to him because he is so high level their relationship would likely still be considered unethical. I imagine one of them would have to leave the company if they were seriously interested in trying to pursue a long term future.

I actually feel sort of bad for H. As I write all of this I can imagine the stress and anxiety he must feel over her coming. Of course, he also maybe terribly excited about it, thinking that she's doing it for him and feeling extremely flattered. But my gut says he's probably overwhelmed and freaked and not in a good way. Either way, it just becomes clearer and clearer that backing off and giving him space is the way to go. Ideally, if I talk to him, I would be so detached I could empathize with how stressful this must be for him. I think that would be a good stretch goal for me, lol!

Interestingly, at the moment, I feel pretty calm about the whole thing. 'Let it Be' is now my theme song :-)

[mdu]

More journaling...

I know I should probably let go of expectations but I can't help but imagine how this might play out. One thing about H is he's very expressive, not verbally but in his demeanor. When I'm re-attracting him it's very easy to tell. When he's pulling away it's very easy to tell too. It's a very attractive characteristic when he's into you but very painful when he's rejecting. I keep imagining that OW likely has not seen this side of him. If he decides that he is truly going to try to push her out she maybe quite shocked and hurt by his demeanor towards her. I'm sure she thinks she really knows him inside and out but I can guarantee she so does not. On the other hand, if he has a warm demeanor towards her no doubt that will fan the flames for both of them.

I really think he would like to do the right thing and reject her but I'm not confident he is able. Obviously, he let himself do the wrong thing by getting involved in the first place. But now it's out in the open (his parents and older son know he had an A) and I really think he does not want to continue to demonstrate such a destructive, hurtful choice, especially to his older son who is getting married soon.

These next few weeks are going to be so telling. I could see things coming to a head quickly, i.e., if he is rejecting towards her and she gets upset and/or tries to put pressure on him I think that could really turn him off. On the other hand, if he continues to pull away from me that will be very telling as well. I think if he wants to be with her he will likely move to divorce rather quickly so he can try to save some moral ground with his family and especially older son. Of course another possibility is she may not be interested in him at all any more, although it's a little hard to imagine that her motives for coming here have zero to do with him.

There are so many possibilities, I know I shouldn't speculate, it will just make me bananas. Hopefully dumping it all here will enable me to let it go somewhat. We will have to see each other next Saturday for a kid exchange, I think that's good so I have a chance to get a vibe from him in person.

[mdu]

Already feeling like the day is a struggle to get through. Not feeling anxious, sad more than anything. Sad that things are in such a horrible, horrible place. And extremely disappointed in myself for my contributions. I know I need to forgive myself and just try to do right going forward.

H may seriously pick this OW over me. It's a very real threat. It makes me feel like such a loser.

My mantra right now is "No pressure, no pressure, no pressure." I cannot put ANY pressure on H. I am 1000% confident that will push him right into OW's arms. I have a sense that was attractive about her/their relationship --- that it was super easy, fun and she didn't pressure him for more in any way. But more importantly, if I pressure him he *might* pick me but I would always wonder if he truly wanted me or just caved.

I flip flop all around. I feel so badly about myself but then I get angry at him for what he did. Then I get calm and realize that despite all my flaws he has many too and he really does not deserve any of my thoughts or attention right now. He needs to figure this out and do some earning back into the M.

I think the right place for my mindset to be is somewhere meddling this all. Acknowledge that I have done wrong, work like heck to change that. But also strong in my resolve that H needs to fix this mess to my satisfaction and I shouldn't settle for less just to have him back. He needs to recognize his contributions and do the same work I am trying to do.

Today, I must fight any thoughts about H or OW and just focus on myself and my kids. So off I go, not letting myself get back on the BB and ruminate about this until late afternoon (~ 6 hours). Little goals ;-)

[mdu]

Tough, tough afternoon. It's amazing how much my mood goes up and down in just one day. Is that normal?

H has pulled way, way back. Hasn't texted me all day and nothing yesterday either. I'm not contacting him. Feeling very much like the ball is in his court. I keep thinking that he is going to test things out with OW this week. Yuck, makes me so sick, sad and heartbroken. I know I shouldn't speculate but how can I not? Also keep feeling like this situation is quite hopeless. If we saw each other I feel like I would have a fighting chance. I know he's still attracted to me and as long as I keep things light I know he enjoys our interactions. But we actually don't have much opportunity for this anymore, the kids don't have any more activities right now which brought us together a lot previously but not now.

I just can't get over how dramatically things have turned for the worse. I can't believe that OW has actually moved and will be working in his office. It's unbelievable how far things have gone. I'm just so utterly shocked. It seems so brazen of her no matter how you look at it.

I keep thinking about him saying that he doesn't think we should hang out with the kids because he's afraid it will confuse them. Two weeks ago we spent a full day (his birthday) all together and it was a non-issue. Now suddenly it's an issue...hmm

[Barrybran]

Mdu, I understand that you're confused, frustrated and hurt. You've come so far and you're back to square one. Reading these last few posts I feel as though you've forgotten the DB principles and what brought you to that good place. I feel as though you're dwelling on the negative and mindreading like crazy instead of getting back on the PMA horse and giving yourself a fighting chance.

You screwed up, plain and simple. There's no hiding it. You know it, your H knows it, we know it. It's not the end of your story. You KNOW what you did to attract your husband so you KNOW what you need to do to re-attract him. Sure, it will be more difficult; OW is permanently in the picture and your H will trust you even less after these recent outbursts. You can do it though.

As the others have said, OW is nothing to you. You're allowed to have feelings and you're wise enough to know how to control your thoughts and actions. You have a deep understanding by now that focusing on yourself brings positivity to your world.

Let's get back on that horse. Think of all the things that make you worthy to be with. Also, understand how your husband feels when you react the way you do. Control what you can control and let go of what you can not. You know this stuff. You know your husband. You've got this, mdu.

[mdu]

Barrybran, thank you so much for you post. I can't begin to tell you how helpful the feedback is and how very much I appreciate you and each and every person here who continues to read my story and try to help me along.

Here's one thing that I keep stumbling on when reflecting upon the latest outburst with H. The thing is, the conversation went badly from the getgo because he was not remotely interested in dealing with this latest challenge. He was DEAD silent on the phone and then when I tried to put it back on him by asking if he had any thoughts around how to help me feel safe he basically gave me nothing, just: well, I'll go to work and that's that. I was totally unprepared for ZERO solutions from him. I was so anticipating this conversation and to get nothing from him when we had been connecting so much, it was really a big letdown. Then I started the questioning because I thought somehow that would draw things out. As I said, he's a horrible communicator. I thought I just need to somehow get it out of him. But that didn't go well either.

I guess my point is that I was really, really trying to do the right things. But somehow it still all went wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses but I just don't know how to deal with him, seriously. In some ways I'm a little baffled how I would handle the situation differently. I guess my only option would have been to get off the phone as soon as he had no solutions to offer? I honestly don't know and it worries me. I honestly don't have this level of challenge around communication with anyone else in my life.

[Oxford1]

Barrybran, thank you so much for you post. I can't begin to tell you how helpful the feedback is and how very much I appreciate you and each and every person here who continues to read my story and try to help me along.

Here's one thing that I keep stumbling on when reflecting upon the latest outburst with H. The thing is, the conversation went badly from the getgo because he was not remotely interested in dealing with this latest challenge. He was DEAD silent on the phone and then when I tried to put it back on him by asking if he had any thoughts around how to help me feel safe he basically gave me nothing, just: well, I'll go to work and that's that. I was totally unprepared for ZERO solutions from him. I was so anticipating this conversation and to get nothing from him when we had been connecting so much, it was really a big letdown. Then I started the questioning because I thought somehow that would draw things out. As I said, he's a horrible communicator. I thought I just need to somehow get it out of him. But that didn't go well either.

I guess my point is that I was really, really trying to do the right things. But somehow it still all went wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses but I just don't know how to deal with him, seriously. In some ways I'm a little baffled how I would handle the situation differently. I guess my only option would have been to get off the phone as soon as he had no solutions to offer? I honestly don't know and it worries me. I honestly don't have this level of challenge around communication with anyone else in my life.

mdu,
Sorry to see that you are almost back to square one. I am glad you admitted you slipped backwards with the way you have been communicating with your H. I too do that with my WW.
I sat down and figured out when I do it..
1) when I get mixed messages from supporters on what to do (not from DB Forum, its been great)
2)when I start to feel connected to my WW again and she does something to push me back
3)when OM is in town and she is hanging with him (As a friend...

What I realized today is that sometimes our mouths take the negativity off of the OP and put it right on us.
For example today my ww was rushing me when we were at the gym (yes we live together), I said don't rush me for "him", she said I just don't want there to be an altercation with him (oh great she and he have altercations)
So I like an IDEEOOT said "Boy he has you on a really short leash doesn't he? She responded (here is where her frustration with him became focused on me) Oh yeah not as short as the one you had on me for 30 years...

Get my point. Sometimes its best not to say anything and let them wallow in their own mud!

Good Luck
Ox

[Barrybran]

I was totally unprepared for ZERO solutions from him. I was so anticipating this conversation and to get nothing from him when we had been connecting so much, it was really a big letdown.

^This is an expectation and you know the power of those by now.

Then I started the questioning because I thought somehow that would draw things out. As I said, he's a horrible communicator. I thought I just need to somehow get it out of him. But that didn't go well either.

Your situation is a little different because your husband has responded to a little coaxing. You went beyond "a little coaxing" though, didn't you? Have you read the squirrel analogy? Your outbursts are like trying to grab the squirrel as it goes to eat.

I guess my only option would have been to get off the phone as soon as he had no solutions to offer?

Exactly! A short, pointless conversation is better than one where you fly off the handle at him. It's a lot easier to move forward from neutral territory than it is to do so from negative territory. If you feel yourself losing control, get out of that situation pronto. You can always go back to it later.