My poor way of communicating was saying very little. Also, not hearing and acting on what she was saying to me. It was a bad point in my life and I only trying to stay above water.
You are the second person to mention the jedi mind trick to me.
We were very active together. What attracted us to each other was our work ethics, athletic activities, what we did to have fun and directions we wanted to go in life. We both were work hard, play hard mentalities. I loved the fact that we could share decision making or taking the lead in the relationship. She loved that I could make her laugh - something she says she does not want from me now. She was not controlling or submissive - she was more of an equal, a partner.
I just make my kids. That is a great thing they wrote in their father's day cards to me.
My problems started happening when everything was rough with health and work, I stopped letting her take the lead in our life and hearing what she had to say to me.
She does not want a legal separation. She wants greater space from me.
Not sure if turning the questions back to her will work. I tried that and it only aggravated her more.
So in the sitch where she does leave, takes the children and gets a lawyer - what are my options? I know I can drop a letter at the school saying the kids cannot be pulled out without mutual consent. But what about other things?
Don't wait to see if it happens. Get legal advice now! You need to know your rights as a father where you live. Take necessary steps to protect yourself and your kids. Definantely tell the school of any changes. If I were you, I would call any credit companies to get your name off any charge cards she uses. Separate your money into a private account now, and have the remaing account for the household expenses. Follow your lawyer's advice in how to further protect your property.
I know this may sound a little cut-throat, but we read where it happens every day........WAW takes LBH to the cleaners!
One thing I see that H's seem to have in common is fear of making the W angry. You cannot afford to allow that fear to get a grip on you b/c it paralyzes. You have to show your confidence, strength, independence and decisiveness. These are traits in men that most women admire, but more importantly, will help you stand tall in the eyes of your children.
I believe the LBH should not act as though he is a victim who is waiting in fear to see what his W's next move may be. It will cause you to give off those vibes and not only cause more disrespect from her, but will affect you self-confidence. So I encourage you to get active in "living" a life apart from her. Do no allow her actions/attitude to hold you captive in a situation where you feel completely powerless. There is one area you have power and control....and that is "you". In the past you may have never made plans without consulting with her first. You would not have dressed up and went out while leaving her home with the kids. You need to change all that immediately.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not looking good. I have called a few L to talk to about my sitch. Threats of leaving with the children and getting a L keep coming. I need to find out my rights. I am practising LRT. I do not bring up the R, but she keeps bringing up how me being around is killing her and making her a bad mom. She seems to despise me completely and blame me for her unhappiness. She says she is not angry, but when she talks she tenses up and her face turns red. I am confused about this and wonder what is best for the kids.
You have talked to a few lawyers but still don't know your rights?
She is using threats to control you and get you to leave the home. You don't cause her to be a bad mother. She causes her to be a bad mother! She's really digging for stuff to get to you now. Maybe she's right, maybe she's not being good to the kids. Anyway of knowing? Have you seen it first hand?
I suggest you stay away from her as much as possible, at least until you get a lawyer. Have you taken any action to protect yourself financiall, as I previously suggested?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have called a few lawyers. Explained my sitch to the legal admin and waiting for call backs or playing phone tag.
I do stay away as much as possible, are only interactions now are when we are with the children. The only way to be further away is to leave the home.
She sees changes in me but they are not enough. She still does not like how I communicate.
She is not a bad mom.
She keeps telling me there will never be a deep emotional connection between us. She also says I will never get from her what I need emotionally.
Part of me wants to go to a mediator.
I have talked to a lot of people who are divorced with children and all of the children have issues, even one of her friends who married someone with a child deals with the child having eating disorders and self-mutilation. I do not point any of this out though. She seems oblivious to these situations or thinks it will be different.
She also says she feels everything is a competition with me. That I am competing with her, and have to be better than her. This completely confuses me. I am not intending to compete with her on anything. We do a lot of the same activities but I do not bring up these things. She feels I compete with her for the children. I am not doing that. Playing with my kids is one of my brightest spots of the day. I get lost and have fun with them and it is the only time I feel unconditional love.
I think this post rambles and is disjointed but it is stuff I need to get off my chest.
I have talked to a lot of people who are divorced with children and all of the children have issues, even one of her friends who married someone with a child deals with the child having eating disorders and self-mutilation. I do not point any of this out though. She seems oblivious to these situations or thinks it will be different.
She also says she feels everything is a competition with me. That I am competing with her, and have to be better than her. This completely confuses me. I am not intending to compete with her on anything. We do a lot of the same activities but I do not bring up these things. She feels I compete with her for the children. I am not doing that. Playing with my kids is one of my brightest spots of the day. I get lost and have fun with them and it is the only time I feel unconditional love.
Don't concentrate on the kid aspect of it. You don't want her to come back to you out of guilt. And besides the one thing those other kids didn't have that yours do is... you. Be the best parent you can be. You need to show them that no matter what else is going on in your life you are going to be there for them. You're the father and they count on you. And definitely don't let your W hold you back from being a good parent.
You mentioned your dissatisfaction with marriage counseling so I am going to urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach now. Our coaches are highly specialized professionals who know exactly how to help you learn to say and do the things you need to do to get your marriage back on track. Call me to discuss our Divorce Busting Coaching Program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
W definitely is not holding me back. The children cry when I am away on travel. They have said this at the dinner table. When she is on travel they are not affected as much. I am being the best I can be as a parent. I am there when they need me. They know why I love them. I have a routine I use with them that I found out is very similar to something Shirzad Chamine does with his kids. Actually his book for team building and performance has been good for me. I am a team lead and it was recommended for team development. It is a little new agey but I like it. The book has info that helps with relationships.
Hi And. I've read your thread. This is what I see. WAW in an A - not sure if EA or PA. She is spewing constantly at you. She is trying every technique to make you out as the bad guy so she can justify her leaving, and justify her actions.
Don't buy into it. Don't believe a word she says. She's in a total fog.
You cannot reason with her. In Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman it states: "The emotional mind takes its beliefs to be absolutely true and so discounts any evidence to the contrary. That is why it is so hard to reason with someone who is emotionally upset: no matter the soundness of your argument from a logical point of view, it carries no weight if it is out of keeping with the emotional conviction of the moment. Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and 'proofs' all their own"
So therefore, I repeat, do not believe anything she says. She will spew all sorts of stuff. You need to put on a really thick spew jacket, smile, tell her "that must be hard" and walk away.
Be happy, content, calm. Be a loving father (for the kids' sake).
She will probably escalate the spewing before she hits a wall. Hold your ground.
Oh, and you need to detach. It's very hard to do but absolutely necessary for your own survival in the next while. For that I recommend the following:
Copy this article, paste it into your word processor and edit it to be in the first person and with the name of your W where required. Delete any irrelevant phrases. Make this your detachment mantra. That helped me a great deal, although it's still a daily challenge.
Don't move out. I may even suggest going to bed in the matrimonial bed before she goes to bed. If she tells you to get out then just roll over and go to sleep. Take back your life. You're not doing anything wrong. If she doesn't like it she is the one who will make the decision to sleep in the other bedroom.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
